Murray: Okay, compromise. The moron boys can get the hell out, but my little peanut, she's going to school in Philadelphia.
Mr. Glascott: I get it. I got a bird. She's my princess. If she flew away, I don't know what I would do.

Erica: And you, why are you even here? You're a teacher.
Mr. Glascott: I'm here to guide you away from dating Atkins. Yeah, I'm pretty sure he's an adult man living amongst the student body as an undercover cop.
Carla: Like "21 Jump Street"?
Mr. Glascott: Mm-hmm.
Geoff: That makes sense to me.

Beverly: Oh, the teachers' lounge! Oh! [Chuckles] So beautiful. I'm home.
Mr. Glascott: Well, well, well. The rumors are true.
Beverly: Hello, Andre.
Mr. Glascott: [Laughing] Oh. I've been waiting for this moment a long, long time.
Beverly: Thank you so much. I've worked really hard to get here.
Mr. Glascott: Not to support you. To destroy you!
Beverly: What?!
Mr. Glascott: Well, maybe not destroy, but to be cold and distant. Doesn't really come naturally to me. I'm really a people person. Everybody says so. But after all the times you made the teachers' lives hell, did you really think that we were gonna accept you as one of us?
Beverly: It wasn't personal. I was just doing my job as Mama Bear.
Mr. Glascott: Well, the bear's got no claws now. [laughs] That's right! We got the claws!

Adam: Okay. How about the band geeks?
Mr. Glascott: Do you even play an instrument? No, you don't. So what makes you think they're gonna just welcome you into their unique and beautiful fold?
Adam: Uh, maybe the Goth kids?
Mr. Glascott: The Goths? They would eat you alive. Seriously, I heard they eat cats and stuff.

Mr. Glascott: Mr. Goldberg, since that little paper is more important than life-saving CPR, maybe you'd like to stand and share it with the rest of us.
Adam: Ballsssss. To be clear I did not write this. "Dude, when did Emmy Mirsky get so dang foxy? I mean, holy boobs, Batman! Look at those sweatshirt puppies." Again, I did not write this.
Mr. Glascott: Oh, that sucked. My intention was to teach you a lesson about note-passing, but instead, I just made us all feel wildly uncomfortable. Let's just move on to Chapter 6, okay? Female reproductive? Nope. Class dismissed.

Mr. Glascott: And that is how you perform CPR on a man. Whoa, Mr. Goldberg, what is that you have there? Is that another note?
Adam: What? You just-
Mr. Glascott: You know the rule. If you get caught with a note, you have to stand up and read it out loud so that everybody can hear it.
Adam: "Hey, Adam. Who's your favorite teacher? I know mine's old Glascott. He's hip like us. Dude just gets it. Did you know he's in a funk fusion band called Funk and Games? I heard he's playing at the farmer's market this weekend." I can't read any more. I'm just gonna eat it.
Mr. Glascott: You can't eat paper! It'll plug you up!

Mr. Glascott: Oh, speaking of my screenplay, I mocked up a poster to help sell it in the room. These are twin shoe salesmen/detectives, Jeffrey Sole and David Alan Brothers.
Murray: If they're brothers, why do they have different last names?
Mr. Glascott: If you read the script, you'd understand.

Mr. Glascott: I'm referring to how Lainey got accepted into the Savannah College of Art and Design.
Lainey: I think Mr. Glascott might be mistaken.
Mr. Glascott: No, it's right here on official stationery.
Barry: How is this the first I'm hearing about this?
Lainey: Well, I must have gotten in this very second. Yay!
Mr. Glascott: No, this letter says you got in over a month ago.
Barry: That's impossible! Lainey would never hide something so big from me.
Mr. Glascott: Yes, that would be a terrible betrayal that would rock the very foundation of everything that you hold dear.
Lainey: Read the room, dude.
Mr. Glascott: Roger that.

Mr. Glascott: Are any of you familiar with the International Correspondence School? You may have seen their catchy TV commercials starring America's sweetheart, Sally Struthers.
Murray: Don't.
Mr. Glascott: Ooh, look. In just two short years, you can get a degree in TV/VCR repair.
Erica: But I don't want to fix TVs.
Mr. Glascott: Well, luckily, you have a bunch of other options gun repair, child daycare, learning the personal computer.
Murray: We're seeing the same thing you are. You don't have to read it out loud!
Mr. Glascott: Interior decorating? Cooking? Art? Air condition and maintenance? I mean, what does this school not have?
Murray: A campus.

Mr. Glascott: Okay, students, even though we warned you all not to watch that terrifying TV movie, apparently everyone in this school did, as well as 100 million other people. Therefore, we are going to have an emergency meeting entitled "The Day After 'The Day After.'"
Coach Mellor: Of course, the gym is booked, so it'll be "The Day After The Day After 'The Day After.'"
Mr. Glascott: So, Wednesday.