Adult Adam: [v.o.] It was now decision-making time. And for my dad, the only choice was how to save money.
Murray: Okay, it's time for Murray's menu rules. Remember, no prime cuts, no fancy sides, no out-of-season vegetables, no market price, no salad bar, no items in French, no dry-aged anything, and, most importantly...
All: No appetizers of any kind, 'cause that's how they screw ya.
Geoff: Does that include a nice soup?
Murray: Are you for real? Is he for real? You're gonna eat a little meal before you eat a big meal? How many meals do you need?

Erica: How is it my fault that every guy in our school is an unbearable moron?
Lainey: That's another thing. You gotta stop calling everyone a moron.
Murray: Morons! You're being too loud! Find another house to stupid up.
Barry: Oh my God, you're just like Dad! Way to go, Mur-man. Years of calling everyone on the planet a moron has poisoned your daughter's love life, and left her cold and alone.
Murray: So you're telling me that I've raised a daughter who doesn't want to date dumbass high school boys? I think I've done my job.

Beverly: Helen Cutler's son was in a wrestling match once and his head popped right off and now he lives his life as just a head.
Murray: There's no such thing as just a head! You need organs to live.
Beverly: Well, tell that to Helen Cutler as she's carrying her son around the grocery store like a football.
Murray: Well, where's his heart?! You need a heart to function.
Beverly: It's in his neck. He's got a little neck with organs in it.
Murray: Oh, so now he's got a neck! What else has he got? Maybe a body?!

Murray: It's supposed to say babby. I love you babby!
Pops: What the hell is a babby?
Murray: I'm the babby!

Murray: I'll tell you what's happening. This schmuck lives in Philadelphia yet he roots for the Dallas Cowboys. Who does that?

Beverly: Look at all the amazing people you're with.
Adam: Yeah, I didn't know Martin from Martin's Aquarium did all this stuff. He plays jazz, sailed around the world.
Erica: Yeah, and that guy from Vantresca's Tuxedo climbs mountains and volunteers at the zoo.
Beverly: Here it is, Mur. Behold.
Barry: "Hobbies: Watching The Weather Channel and 'getting comfortable.'" Hmm. He nailed it.
Beverly: This is all you wrote, Murray?
Murray: What? I only had a month to think of stuff.

Marvin: Classic tale. There I was, minding my own business in this mystical shop on the outskirts of Chinatown, when, suddenly, this ancient man popped out and asked me if I wanted to buy this rare and exotic pet.
Beverly: Ooh. Like a sassy, colorful bird?
Marvin: Better. A Mogwai. And so, naturally, I handed him $6,000.
Pops: Are you nuts?
Marvin: That's not even the worst part. You see, these (as Gizmo) Mogwai (normal voice) are "super-high maintenance." You can't get them wet, no bright lights, and if you feed them after midnight, they become these bloodthirsty monsters!
Pops: Who would buy a pet like that? Who?
Murray: No one! That's who! It's from Gremlins.

Alex: Many apologies, sir. We'll rush out another order.
Murray: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where are you going with that?
Marc: To throw it out?
Murray: No, that's a waste. Pack it up. We'll take it to go.
Marc: You want to take home the meal that wasn't yours?
Murray: Yeah, yeah, yeah! You're gonna throw it in a big garbage bag. Why don't you put it in a little doggie bag? We'll take it.

Beverly: You will never guess who I just saw during my power walk/power sit and eat Sbarro at the mall.
Murray: Tip O'Neill?
Beverly: No.
Murray: Mr. Belvedere?
Beverly: TV character.
Murray: Quick Draw McGraw?
Beverly: Cartoon.
Murray: Waldenbooks?
Beverly: That is a store.

Murray: Green light, people! Green light! Why aren't you moving? Son of a [beep]! You're letting him in?! He's part of a funeral! That could be a hundred cars! What kind of crossing guard crosses one kid at a time?! You got to group 'em and herd 'em!