Murray Goldberg Quotes Page 1 of 36

Quote from Dinner with the Goldbergs

Adult Adam: [v.o.] It was now decision-making time. And for my dad, the only choice was how to save money.
Murray: Okay, it's time for Murray's menu rules. Remember, no prime cuts, no fancy sides, no out-of-season vegetables, no market price, no salad bar, no items in French, no dry-aged anything, and, most importantly...
All: No appetizers of any kind, 'cause that's how they screw ya.
Geoff: Does that include a nice soup?
Murray: Are you for real? Is he for real? You're gonna eat a little meal before you eat a big meal? How many meals do you need?


Quote from A Chorus Lie

Erica: How is it my fault that every guy in our school is an unbearable moron?
Lainey: That's another thing. You gotta stop calling everyone a moron.
Murray: Morons! You're being too loud! Find another house to stupid up.
Barry: Oh my God, you're just like Dad! Way to go, Mur-man. Years of calling everyone on the planet a moron has poisoned your daughter's love life, and left her cold and alone.
Murray: So you're telling me that I've raised a daughter who doesn't want to date dumbass high school boys?
I think I've done my job.

Quote from The Most Handsome Boy on the Planet

Murray: I didn't even like the stupid movie. Dumb little alien. All he wanted to do was go home, then he turns all white and crusty like an old dog turd. He loved that boy, but still he had to leave. I don't want to talk about the damn movie any more.

Quote from A Wrestler Named Goldberg

Beverly: Helen Cutler's son was in a wrestling match once and his head popped right off and now he lives his life as just a head.
Murray: There's no such thing as just a head! You need organs to live.
Beverly: Well, tell that to Helen Cutler as she's carrying her son around the grocery store like a football.
Murray: Well, where's his heart?! You need a heart to function.
Beverly: It's in his neck. He's got a little neck with organs in it.
Murray: Oh, so now he's got a neck! What else has he got? Maybe a body?!

Quote from DannyDonnieJoeJonJordan

Murray: It's supposed to say babby. I love you babby!
Pops: What the hell is a babby?
Murray: I'm the babby!

Quote from Bill/Murray

Murray: I'll tell you what's happening. This schmuck lives in Philadelphia yet he roots for the Dallas Cowboys. Who does that?

Quote from Fonzie Scheme

Beverly: Look at all the amazing people you're with.
Adam: Yeah, I didn't know Martin from Martin's Aquarium did all this stuff. He plays jazz, sailed around the world.
Erica: Yeah, and that guy from Vantresca's Tuxedo climbs mountains and volunteers at the zoo.
Beverly: Here it is, Mur. Behold.
Barry: "Hobbies: Watching The Weather Channel and 'getting comfortable.'" Hmm. He nailed it.
Beverly: This is all you wrote, Murray?
Murray: What? I only had a month to think of stuff.

Quote from Jedi Master Adam Skywalker

Marvin: Classic tale. There I was, minding my own business in this mystical shop on the outskirts of Chinatown, when, suddenly, this ancient man popped out and asked me if I wanted to buy this rare and exotic pet.
Beverly: Ooh. Like a sassy, colorful bird?
Marvin: Better. A Mogwai. And so, naturally, I handed him $6,000.
Pops: Are you nuts?
Marvin: That's not even the worst part. You see, these (as Gizmo) Mogwai (normal voice) are "super-high maintenance." You can't get them wet, no bright lights, and if you feed them after midnight, they become these bloodthirsty monsters!
Pops: Who would buy a pet like that? Who?
Murray: No one! That's who! It's from Gremlins.

Quote from Dinner with the Goldbergs

Alex: Many apologies, sir. We'll rush out another order.
Murray: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where are you going with that?
Marc: To throw it out?
Murray: No, that's a waste. Pack it up. We'll take it to go.
Marc: You want to take home the meal that wasn't yours?
Murray: Yeah, yeah, yeah! You're gonna throw it in a big garbage bag. Why don't you put it in a little doggie bag? We'll take it.

Quote from I Rode a Hoverboard

Murray: We're never eating her food again.
Beverly: Well, China Garden's not an option, so where else you gonna go?
Murray: We'll go to Bamboo Palace downtown. Come on, guys. Let's go.
Beverly: You'd never drive into the city during rush hour.
Murray: Oh, I will for this.
Beverly: Well, then I'll have you banned from there, too. Banned from Chinatown entirely.
Murray: Then we'll switch to Indian food.
Beverly: Your stomach can't handle the spices.
Murray: Then we'll get Sushi!
Beverly: Raw fish? You don't even like raw carrots.
Murray: Then we'll get Thailand food! That's right. Food from wherever that is.

Quote from Mama Drama

Murray: Green light, people! Green light! Why aren't you moving? Son of a [beep]! You're letting him in?! He's part of a funeral! That could be a hundred cars! What kind of crossing guard crosses one kid at a time?! You got to group 'em and herd 'em!

Quote from The Dynamic Duo

Murray: Let's get something straight, little missy. Graduating from Penn State is the greatest accomplishment of my life.
Erica: Too bad, Dad. I'm going to Carnegie Mellon.
Murray: You are going to Penn State. It is cheaper, it's more affordable, and it costs less.
Erica: That's the same thing said three different ways!

Quote from Parents Just Don't Understand

Murray: What kind of college has hard candies lying around?
Beverly: You don't know! There could be a lobby with a dish.
Murray: Are you watching that S.O.B. Phil Donahue again?
Beverly: He did an expose on choking hazards, Murray. Did you know that hard candy kills more people than smoking?
Murray: That gray-haired bastard. All he does is make you worry.

Quote from So Swayze It's Crazy

Pops: Mur, would it kill you, for once in your life, to make an effort?
Murray: Fine. Tell me some stuff about the girl one.
Pops: Well, Erica's heartbroken because she's in love with a boy who's not interested in her anymore.
Murray: What boy?
Pops: Geoff.
Murray: The kid with the giant head?
Pops: No.
Murray: The one with the teeny head?
Pops: Who are these people?

Quote from The Darryl Dawkins Dance

Adam: You don't understand. Optimus was murdered in cold blood.
Murray: The Greek exchange student staying with the Applebaums?!
Adam: No, that kid's name was Nico. I'm talking about the robot I like from the cartoon.

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