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29Quotes from ‘Dungeons and Dragons, Anyone?’

The Goldbergs: Dungeons and Dragons, Anyone?

320. Dungeons and Dragons, Anyone?

Aired April 6, 2016

Adam convinces Coach Mellor to let him be team captain in gym class. He betrays his friends by picking the jocks first, causing the two rivaling squads to battle it out with the game the nerds know best – Dungeons and Dragons! Meanwhile, Erica decides where she wants to go to college but encounters resistance from both Beverly and Murray.

Quote from Erica

Erica: Dad! Wherever you are sitting or eating in this house, come to my room immediately. It's an emergency.
Murray: I was both sitting and eating, so this better be worth it.

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Quote from Coach Mellor

Coach Mellor: Let's do it. Tomorrow, you'll be the team captain, and you can choose all your nerd friends first.
Adam: Sounds great, except for the part where you called us nerds.
Coach Mellor: Losers it is, then! Tomorrow, the hierarchy of the physical-education world will be turned upside down, and all you dregs, dipwads, and dweebs, rejoice!

Quote from Mr. Glascott

Murray: Okay, compromise. The moron boys can get the hell out, but my little peanut, she's going to school in Philadelphia.
Mr. Glascott: I get it. I got a bird. She's my princess. If she flew away, I don't know what I would do.

Quote from Barry

Barry: What's with the getup? Is there, like, a sports musical you're starring in?
Adam: Little production called gym class, and Coach Mellor's letting me be the leading man.
Barry: He made you captain? This is a game changer. You got to pick smart.
Adam: For sure. First my boy Sirota, then Dave Kim, Tiny Tyler, Lanky Hank, and the foreign-exchange kid who knows nothing of our customs.
Barry: No! This is the only time you'll ever be captain. You can't pick the wienies. You got to pick the winners, earn their respect. This is a defining moment for you, bro.

Quote from Pops

Pops: I can't get over it. He throws a party in his dorm room after specifically being told not to.

Quote from Pops

Murray: All right, look at this movie. That's what college is. Do you want Erica to end up in a hot tub with an elderly businessman?
Pops: Okay, you're kind of taking some of the tickle out of the movie for me.

Quote from Barry

Adam: Just go away. This is hopeless.
Barry: That's where you're wrong. The only problem is, you guys don't speak the same language. You speak lazy-eyed nerd, and, like me, you speak awesome, all-star athlete.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Even though I'm ripped like you, my body has also been infected by my brother's crippling geekery. I tried to fight it, but it's too powerful. And it's led to this.
Adam: Dude, you created a D and D character?
Barry: Lord Big of Tasty. I wanted one ready in case you asked me to play, but you never did.
Adam: I just assumed you didn't care.
Barry: Point is, if this crazy-jacked bro can learn how to play D and D, other super-shredded bros can, too.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: I'm going to Carnegie Mellon with Erica.
Erica: No.
Beverly: We're gonna be roommates.
Erica: No!
Beverly: We're gonna sneak in a hot plate to cook ramen soup.
Erica: Never!
Beverly: And then we're gonna rush the same sorority.
Erica: This is a nightmare.
Beverly: And I'll be her mother and her sister.
Erica: Kill me.

Quote from Beverly

Erica: What is wrong with you people?! Seriously, I get no respect! No respect.
Beverly: That's exactly what Rodney Dangerzone says. See? We are on the same team.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Coach Mellor: Using these state-sanctioned calipers, I will rank you by weight and girth. Let's grab that flab.

Quote from Beverly

Erica: Mom, insanely great news. I'm gonna do what you want and stay in state for college.
Beverly: In state? That's where I live.
Erica: Yes. Good. CMU it is.
Beverly: Where in Philadelphia is CMU?
Erica: Um, Carnegie Mellon's only like a little bit west.
Beverly: How far west?
Erica: Pittsburgh.
Beverly: Pittsburgh?! No. Too far. You're the worst daughter in the world.

Quote from Erica

Erica: Come on, Mom. It's a great school with an amazing music program.
Beverly: No, you're gonna go to JFA right here in town. We discussed this.
Erica: I am not going to the Jenkintown Funk Academy.
Beverly: Oh, so now you're too good for the Funk. Huh.
Erica: Yes, the Funk is in a mini-mall between a dry cleaner and a balloon shop.

Quote from Beverly

Erica: Come on, Mom. Even Mr. Glascott said CMU is perfect for me. At least hear him out.
Beverly: And then undermine and overpower him. Okay. Sure thing. Set that meeting.

Quote from Pops

Pops: I'll go, too. College is a nonstop party.
Murray: You never even went to college, Al.
Pops: Yes, but I just watched "Back to School" with Rodney Dangerfield. It's about this delightful old scamp who goes back to school, and it's hilarious, 'cause let's face it, a guy that old doesn't go back to school.
But he does. He goes back to school but good.
Murray: Are you done?
Pops: I don't have to be.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Coach Mellor: Picking teams has been the same since the dawn of physical education. The awesome jocks choose kids in descending order of athletic ability. What is the problem?
Adam: The problem is the rest of us suffer. Turns out, gym class will determine how society views us for the rest of our lives.
Coach Mellor: People really think that?
Adam: Of course. Don't you realize gym is the most important class there is?
Coach Mellor: Well, I know that. It's just, when the English department doesn't invite you out for bowling night, it really gets in your head.

Quote from Pops

Mr. Glascott: So you came to voice some concerns. I hope you're here to keep this conversation civil.
Murray: I'll do what I can.
Mr. Glascott: Gotcha. Uh, I'm still not sure what the gentleman in the corner is doing here.
Pops: I'm considering going back to school myself.
Erica: Ignore him. He saw a movie.

Quote from Pops

Pops: I don't see any hot tubs in the dorms. Are there hot tubs in the dorms?


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