‘Dungeons and Dragons, Anyone?’
Season 3, Episode 20 - Aired April 6, 2016
Adam convinces Coach Mellor to let him be team captain in gym class. He betrays his friends by picking the jocks first, causing the two rivaling squads to battle it out with the game the nerds know best – Dungeons and Dragons! Meanwhile, Erica decides where she wants to go to college but encounters resistance from both Beverly and Murray.
Quote from Erica
Erica: Dad! Wherever you are sitting or eating in this house, come to my room immediately. It's an emergency.
Murray: I was both sitting and eating, so this better be worth it.
Quote from Coach Mellor
Coach Mellor: Let's do it. Tomorrow, you'll be the team captain, and you can choose all your nerd friends first.
Adam: Sounds great, except for the part where you called us nerds.
Coach Mellor: Losers it is, then! Tomorrow, the hierarchy of the physical-education world will be turned upside down, and all you dregs, dipwads, and dweebs, rejoice!
Quote from Coach Mellor
Coach Mellor: Using these state-sanctioned calipers, I will rank you by weight and girth. Let's grab that flab.
Quote from Beverly
Erica: Mom, insanely great news. I'm gonna do what you want and stay in state for college.
Beverly: In state? That's where I live.
Erica: Yes. Good. CMU it is.
Beverly: Where in Philadelphia is CMU?
Erica: Um, Carnegie Mellon's only like a little bit west.
Beverly: How far west?
Erica: Pittsburgh.
Beverly: Pittsburgh?! No. Too far. You're the worst daughter in the world.
Quote from Erica
Erica: Come on, Mom. It's a great school with an amazing music program.
Beverly: No, you're gonna go to JFA right here in town. We discussed this.
Erica: I am not going to the Jenkintown Funk Academy.
Beverly: Oh, so now you're too good for the Funk. Huh.
Erica: Yes, the Funk is in a mini-mall between a dry cleaner and a balloon shop.
Quote from Beverly
Erica: Come on, Mom. Even Mr. Glascott said CMU is perfect for me. At least hear him out.
Beverly: And then undermine and overpower him. Okay. Sure thing. Set that meeting.
Quote from Pops
Pops: I'll go, too. College is a nonstop party.
Murray: You never even went to college, Al.
Pops: Yes, but I just watched "Back to School" with Rodney Dangerfield. It's about this delightful old scamp who goes back to school, and it's hilarious, 'cause let's face it, a guy that old doesn't go back to school.
But he does. He goes back to school but good.
Murray: Are you done?
Pops: I don't have to be.
Quote from Coach Mellor
Coach Mellor: Picking teams has been the same since the dawn of physical education. The awesome jocks choose kids in descending order of athletic ability. What is the problem?
Adam: The problem is the rest of us suffer. Turns out, gym class will determine how society views us for the rest of our lives.
Coach Mellor: People really think that?
Adam: Of course. Don't you realize gym is the most important class there is?
Coach Mellor: Well, I know that. It's just, when the English department doesn't invite you out for bowling night, it really gets in your head.
Quote from Pops
Mr. Glascott: So you came to voice some concerns. I hope you're here to keep this conversation civil.
Murray: I'll do what I can.
Mr. Glascott: Gotcha. Uh, I'm still not sure what the gentleman in the corner is doing here.
Pops: I'm considering going back to school myself.
Erica: Ignore him. He saw a movie.
Quote from Pops
Pops: I don't see any hot tubs in the dorms. Are there hot tubs in the dorms?