TV Quotes

Barry: Next category, busting balls. Come up with three insults for how short Andy is.
Andy: Oh. No, we don't have to do-
Barry: Go!
Matt: Andy is so tiny, he uses a sock as a sleeping bag. When Andy plays mini-golf, it's just called "Golf." Did you hear Andy died? He was bungee-jumping off a curb and the dental floss broke.
Andy: I feel completely humiliated.

Adam: Fine. Tell me how bad you wanna hurt him.
Andy: Well, he's rude, inconsiderate, and destructive.
Naked Rob: He did unspeakable things in my BVDs.
Adam: Say no more.
Matt: He soggied my cotton bottoms.
Adam: What part of "no more" don't you understand?
Matt: He freckled my Fruit of the Looms.
Adam: I get it.
Matt: He skidded my scanties!
Adam: I have a full picture!

Matt: Ah. I see what this is. He's going through the five stages of grief. First stage is denial.
Barry: Wait, so once I get through the five stages, I'll feel perfectly fine again?
Matt: Well, yeah, but healing takes a long time.
Barry: Let's do this, Matt Bradley! What's the next stage for me to race through?
Matt: I guess anger?
Barry: Gahhhh! I'm very mad! Next.
Murray: Uh, bargaining?
Barry: Give me $5 for this hockey stick.
Matt: That's not the kind of bargaining I'm talking about.
Barry: Do you want the stick or not?
Matt: Sure?
Barry: Okay, great. Next stage.
Matt: Uh, next would be sadness.
Barry: Pass. Next.
Matt: Uh, I guess all that's left is acceptance.
Barry: Great, 'cause I accept your gift of this meat tube and gum-flavored soda.
Matt: I kind of meant that you have to accept that it's done with Lainey.
Barry: I will never accept that. In fact, I'm gonna go get her back right now.
Matt: That's 'cause you're obviously still in denial.

Barry: Attention, JTP.
All: JTP!
Barry: The time has come for a Barry-o-lution. I don't have time to explain what that means, but I am guaranteed to be the sexiest man in all of Jenkintown after my awesome transformation.
Matt: I think you should be happy with the way you are. You're amazing, man.
Barry: Save your kind words, Matthew!

Barry: Now we take our yard back. We're in a real-life turf war, JTP, two rival gangs going head-to-head, just like in that movie "Colors."
Matt: I don't think this is anything like that.
Barry: We were there first, and they came and took our backyard. What's different?
Matt: "Colors" is an incredibly real and poignant movie about socioeconomic factors that created a political tinderbox within-
Barry: Now you get it! We're in a real-life war, just like in that movie "Colors."
Matt: Guys, we live in the suburbs of Jenkintown. It's super offensive to compare our-
Andy: Bro, just get on board. He's not letting this one go.
Matt: Fine. We're in a turf war.

Matt: Why don't you just, like, tell him?
Barry: With words to his face? Are you serious right now?
Matt: Just open your heart and be like, "I love you."
Andy: Now, when you say "I love you," do you really mean not talking to him for a year, but he just knows?
Matt: No! I mean, say the words.
Geoff: Now, when you say "Say the words," do you really mean go up to him with the intent of saying it and then chickening out and screaming, "Stop trying to control my life!"?
Matt: I'm talking about actual words or even a hug.
Naked Rob: Now, when you say "hug," do you really mean rough horseplay that ends with me getting tackled through drywall?
Matt: What is going on in your homes?

Barry: JTP, I've gathered you all here today to ensure young Geoffrey doesn't get ditched for a super-hot guitarist. They shared a microphone!
Naked Rob: Oh, that's bad.
Andy: So intimate!
Matt: It's like Frenching under a waterfall!

Matt: I'd like to also throw my hat in the ring for the role of Erica. I mean, feel how soft my hands are.
Barry: Fine! You can all be Erica.

Erica: Hey, dude. What's all this?
Matt: Oh, I'm spending the summer following the Grateful Dead, so I'm loading up on some GORP.
Erica: GORP?
Matt: "GORP." Stands for "good old raisins and peanuts." It's the go-to meal for Deadheads.
Erica: So, you're basically living in a van, eating crappy trail mix?
Matt: Totally.

Barry: Thanks for coming to the weekly meeting of the JTP.
All: JTP!
Geoff: First order of business... It's almost Matt Bradley's birthday, and I...
Barry: No one cares about stupid Matt Bradley and how embarrassingly old he's getting.
Matt: It's true. No one likes to be confronted by their mortality. Let's not make a big deal about it.