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45Quotes from ‘Baré’

The Goldbergs: Baré

418. Baré

Aired March 15, 2017

When Lainey gets accepted to fashion school in Georgia, Barry considers abandoning his dream of being a doctor. Meanwhile, Adam and Erica are annoyed that Murray is more loving towards the dog than them.

Quote from Murray

Erica: I can't believe you, dude! How could you save the dog over us?
Murray: It's a dog! She doesn't know from fire alarms!

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Quote from Barry

Barry: Step 1, take my GED, graduate tomorrow. What's next?
Beverly: Four years of pre-med at college.
Barry: I'll do it in six weeks. Done. Next. What else you got?
Beverly: Actual medical school, which takes another four years.
Barry: I'll knock it out in a month. Boom! Cutting out hearts and playing God.
Beverly: But to be a cardiologist, you need to do a residency at a hospital, and that's at least another two years.
Barry: I'll do it in two days. Done! Where are my golf clubs? Dr. Tasty's ready to save lives.

Quote from Barry

Barry: So if I got to choose between being a regular-aged doctor and being with Lainey, I choose her.
Beverly: Stop. What are you saying?
Barry: If it's between saving millions with my doctoring or saving one with my loving, then I choose to let millions die.
Beverly: But I was looking forward to letting my friends ramble on about their boring sons, and when they asked me about you, I'd smugly say, "He's a doctor."
Barry: Not anymore.
Beverly: But I was gonna get personalized license plates that say "Doc's Mom" and steal all your cream samples and bother you on family vacations when I find a weird bump.
Barry: Not anymore.
Beverly: Honey?
Barry: Goodbye, tongue depressors. I guess I ate all those Popsicles for nothing.

Quote from Adam

Barry: Well, I was crazy wrong. Good thing you went to the hospital for a second opinion.
Adam: The first and only opinion! Seriously, what's wrong with everyone?

Quote from Barry

Barry: Doctoring!
Murray: Oh, no! Why?!
Barry: Just checking your reflexes. Patient lacks muscle response and also see highly agitated.
Murray: Damn right I'm agitated! You just hit my knee with a hammer!

Quote from Murray

Murray: [snoring] [gags] Oh, God! What's happening?!
Barry: Patient's throat seems red and inflamed, especially that dangly part in the back.
Murray: Stay away from me! Damn it! Come back and get the remote I just threw at you.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Okay, I've decided I'm either gonna be a doctor for the Phillies or the president's personal brain surgeon.
Mr. Glascott: Hey guys. I heard the amazing news.
Barry: That my idea for Barry Goldberg Appreciation Day has been approved by the school board?
Mr. Glascott: I told you they said no.

Quote from Mr. Glascott

Mr. Glascott: I'm referring to how Lainey got accepted into the Savannah College of Art and Design.
Lainey: I think Mr. Glascott might be mistaken.
Mr. Glascott: No, it's right here on official stationery.
Barry: How is this the first I'm hearing about this?
Lainey: Well, I must have gotten in this very second. Yay!
Mr. Glascott: No, this letter says you got in over a month ago.
Barry: That's impossible! Lainey would never hide something so big from me.
Mr. Glascott: Yes, that would be a terrible betrayal that would rock the very foundation of everything that you hold dear.
Lainey: Read the room, dude.
Mr. Glascott: Roger that.

Quote from Lainey

Barry: Okay, fine. But you can't go to that school without me and surround yourself with all those fashion boys.
Lainey: Fashion boys?
Barry: Yeah, they're all stylish and tan and love dancing the night away with each other.
Lainey: I really don't think you have to worry about fashion boys.

Quote from Erica

Erica: Okay, very important question. On one hand, Florida has beaches, but on the other hand, Georgia has peaches. So it's beaches versus peaches. See my predicament?

Quote from Murray


Murray: What is this? Why are you talking to me?
Erica: For school. I'm trying to decide between Emory and Miami. They both have awesome music programs.
Murray: Oh! I can actually help you with this. Neither.
Erica: You're telling me you'll pony up for a designer dog bed but not your own daughter's future?
Murray: Yes.

Quote from Erica

Erica: Guess what, nerd. The dog is definitely Dad's favorite.
Adam: Oh, you saw Lucky's new waterbed, huh?
Erica: It's a waterbed?! I don't even have one!

Quote from Pops

Barry: Pops, you've lived an impossibly long time. Tell me an old-timey story that reassures me a long-distance relationship can work.
Pops: Well, I once dated a Tunisian woman named Marwa. We would swim in the warm waters of the Mediterranean during the day and become one on the beach at night.
Barry: So it can work.
Pops: It did, until her father chased me around an open-air bazaar with a scimitar.
Barry: Why did I go down this incredibly long road with you for nothing?
Pops: I'll be honest with you, kiddo. When I started that story, I didn't remember how it ended.

Quote from Pops

Pops: No! Don't look at the boy surgeon and get some fakakte idea.

Quote from Beverly

Barry: Mother, you relentlessly and unrealistically support my dreams more than anyone, right?
Beverly: Mmm. Of course I do, Pumpkin. Not to overstate it, but I'd like to bottle you up and sell you at Bergdorf's.
Barry: That's why I need your help to make sure I become a fully licensed and accredited doctor before Lainey leaves for college.
Beverly: Um, Boopie? It takes years to become a doctor.
Barry: But Doogie is 16 and already does that thing when he yells "Clear!", then shoots lightning into some dude's heart.
Beverly: That sounds fun. But you're still just a boy in high school.

Quote from Murray

Erica: Just admit it Lucky is your favorite child.
Murray: You're just upset 'cause I won't pay for some fancy out-of-state school.
Erica: No, I'm upset because you don't care. If Lucky was going to college, you'd be a hysterical mess.
Murray: Don't be a moron. There's no such thing as dog college. What would she even study?
Adam: Frisbee catching?
Murray: Please. Lucky hates Frisbees.
Adam: Fine. Tail chasing.
Murray: Lucky doesn't chase her tail.
Adam: Duh! That's why she'd take the class, to learn.

Quote from Barry

Barry: People of this house. Are you ready to witness the future of fashion?
Pops: What's with the getup, Barry?
Barry: I no longer respond to "Barry." From now on, I am the fashion designer known only as Baré.

Quote from Barry

Barry: I give you Baré Formal active wear for going to a ball or slam-dunking one.
Geoff: I'm a model!
Barry: Next, we got Naked Rob. Baré Styles is the only clothing this nudist will wear.
Naked Rob: It really breathes, bro.
Barry: For the tiny man who can live in a shoe, we got Andy Cogan modeling the petite line.
Andy: Aw, come on, dude! I'm helping you.
Barry: And finally, we got Matthew Bradley showing off our sportsedo.
Matt: He shoots and scores. With the ladies.

Quote from Pops

Pops: Okay, he's making these poor boys wear a bunch of schmattas. You got to get involved now!
Beverly: [bleep] me.

Quote from Murray

Erica: This is your fault, Dad. Who ties a dog to the lid of a garbage can?
Murray: She was only out there 'cause you staged a fake fire and ruined perfectly good fish sticks!

Quote from Murray

Erica: I'm always willing to talk about my feelings, unlike Closed Off Johnson over here.
Murray: You want feelings? I love that damn dog! It never asks for anything, never gives me any lip, and then when I come home, she runs right up to me.
Erica: Forgive me for not charging into your arms as you shed your swampy pants and head to your disgusting chair.
Murray: When you were a little girl, you used to run through the door into my arms every time I came home, and that was the best part of my day. (voice breaking) And now that's gone too, and my heart is broken!
Erica: Oh, okay.
Adam: Yikes.
Murray: But now you're leaving, and it's so painful, I can't stand it!
Adam: Please make him stop.
Murray: I can't. I used to have a dog that would sit by my side and not leave, (softly) and now she's gone, too.
Erica: No, don't cry-whisper.
Murray: (whispering) The only thing that still loves me is gone. I'm so lonely.

Quote from Lainey

Beverly: Hello, Lainey Lewis.
Lainey: Aah!
Beverly: Not a fan of seat belts, I see.
Lainey: I was just getting situated.
Beverly: We need to talk about your plans to drag my boy to the Deep South to become a fashionista.
Lainey: How is this on me? I've always supported his dreams, even when they've been highly questionable, like when he wanted to be a yo-yo champion or start a shelter for wayward lizards.

Quote from Lainey

Barry: Oh, my God. What is on your body right now?
Lainey: Oh, this? Just my favorite Rangers jersey, sweats, hat, and scarf.
Barry: But they're the sworn enemy of the Broad Street Bullies. That's like saying New York is a better city than Philadelphia.
Lainey: Ooh. Honestly, it is.
Barry: Whoa, whoa. What are you saying?
Lainey: I guess I hate Philly.
Barry: What?
Lainey: And cheesesteaks.
Barry: (gasps)
Lainey: And Rocky Balboa.
Barry: No!
Lainey: I also hate rap and BMX biking and Macho Man Randy Savage, as well as Jean-Claude Van Damme.
Barry: You must've hit your head. You're not thinking straight.
Lainey: Speaking of stupid karate people, I also hate Chuck Norris, and Bruce Lee is a wuss.

Quote from Barry

Lainey: Whatever. I'm off to watch "Breakin' 1," which is far superior to "Breakin' 2."
Barry: Oh, God, no! "Breakin' 2" is the Electric Boogaloo! What happened to the woman I love?
Lainey: Hey, if you don't like it, I guess you'll just have to break up with me.
Barry: You leave me no choice. Lainey, if it makes you happy I will completely change everything about myself. The things I cherish, what defines who I am are meaningless if you don't like them, too. That means no more Flavor Flav, and hit the bricks, Ron Hextall.

Quote from Beverly

Lainey: Barry, please come out of there.
Barry: No! I'm staying in here until I've figured out what I'm supposed to do with my life.
Beverly: If you only would've agreed to the nine kids, he wouldn't be in there. This is your fault.

Quote from Barry

Barry: As you know, now that my dreams are back on track, so are yours. It's only a matter of time before the JTP opens the JTP. The Jenkintown Practice.
Geoff, Rob and Matt: Jenkintown Practice!
Andy: Hey, sorry I'm late, guys. Hello, Doctor.
Barry: Doctor.
Andy: Doctor.
Naked Rob: Doctor.
Andy: Doctor.
Matt: Doctor.
Andy: Doctor.
Geoff: Doctor.
Barry: Doctor.
Andy: Doctor.
Barry: Doctor.
Naked Rob: Doctor.
Barry: Doctor.
Matt: Doctor.
Barry: Doctor.
Geoff: Doctor. ... Doctor.
Barry: Doctor.
Geoff: Doctor.
Andy: Doctor.
Geoff: Doctor.
Matt: Doctor.
Geoff: Doctor.
Naked Rob: Doctor.
Matt: Doctor.
Geoff: Doctor.
Matt: Doctor.
Barry: Doctor.
Matt: Doctor.
Andy: Doctor.
Matt: Doctor.
Naked Rob: Doctor. ... Doctor.
Barry: Doctor.
Naked Rob: Doctor.
Andy: Doctor.
Naked Rob: Doctor.
Matt: Doctor.
Naked Rob: Doctor.
Geoff: Doctor. (sighs) Look at the time. I got to go. Doctor.
Barry: Doctor.
Geoff: Doctor.
Andy: Doctor.
Geoff: Doctor.
Matt: Doctor.
Geoff: Doctor.
Naked Rob: Doctor...


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