Coach Mellor Quotes Page 1 of 9

Quote from Goldberg on The Goldbergs

Beverly: Can't you just get past it? He's your family.
Coach Mellor: You sound like Mama, God rest her soul.
Beverly: You mean..?
Coach Mellor: She died doing what she loved, though, frog squats.
Beverly: Coach, does your brother have any idea what he's done to you?
Coach Mellor: That's what Mama asked me, right before she did that last ill-advised rep that sent her to the final cool-down in the sky. Oh, Mama, why'd you have to crush it so hard?

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Quote from A Chorus Lie

Coach Mellor: Goldfarb! Wheel it in. Time for a private huddle. I'm going to put this delicately, kid. You smell like a gym sock's butt.
Adam: Uh, thanks.
Coach Mellor: You smell like a garlic diaper.
Adam: Thanks?
Coach Mellor: You smell like egg salad left in a humidifier.
Adam: Thanks.
Coach Mellor: I assume you don't notice because you live with that stink 24/7.
Adam: Oh no. I smell it.
Coach Mellor: There's half a Speed Stick in my desk. It's yours now. Be liberal with it. Coach is on your team, here. It's why I pulled you aside to avoid embarrassment.
Adam: I guess I would have preferred you pulled me aside just a little farther.

Quote from The Day After the Day After

Mr. Glascott: Okay, everyone, welcome to "The Day After" emergency assembly. First of all, I just want to assure you that everything is gonna be okay.
Coach Mellor: It will not be okay! There's nowhere to hide in a nuclear winter!
Mr. Glascott: Whoa. (chuckles) What Coach means is that there could be a nuclear winter, but it definitely won't happen.
Coach Mellor: Till it does.
Mr. Glascott: Does not, because it was just a movie.
Coach Mellor: That will, for sure, come true.
Mr. Glascott: Look, I know a lot of you are scared that the President is gonna snap, push a button, and incinerate us all, but I assure you, it will not happen.
Coach Mellor: When it does, I'll be safe and snug in my fallout shelter while the rest of you mutants scrounge for cockroaches.

Quote from Colors

Coach Mellor: Why are you never this fired up in gym class?
Adam: 'Cause I'm a theater geek, Coach, not that you'd ever understand.
Coach Mellor: [blows whistle] That's a flag on the assumption.
Adam: Really? You like musicals?
Coach Mellor: Last month, my lady love, Ms. Cinoman, dragged me to a community college for an evening of theater. I had prepared myself for a night of misery, when out of nowhere, this troupe of cats came crawling down the aisle. They were singing, dancing, with their athletic thighs and their gymnastic voices. I wish I could remember what that show was called.
Adam: "Cats."
Coach Mellor: No, that's not it. It'll come to me.

Quote from Big Baby Ball

Murray: So, is this what you're doing for money?
Coach Mellor: For now. Turns out there's not a great demand for a phys-ed specialist in the middle of the school year.
Murray: I don't mean to tell you your business, but I don't think that's the right address.
Coach Mellor: It is not. I lost my 3.
Murray: You know, I know my wife can get carried away with things, and I just want to let you know, I'm really sorry about all this.
Coach Mellor: Don't be. Your wife plays hard. I respect a winner. She's a good woman who does not know the word "quit". Although she does know the word "fired."

Quote from Baio and Switch

Coach Mellor: I'm in way over my head. They want me to organize, make posters. They gave me a pen and a ledger. I don't know what to do with them.
Beverly: To record the donations.
Coach Mellor: Oh, no. I've been putting everybody's cash in a bag.
Beverly: Well, there must be thousands there.
Coach Mellor: I don't know. I'm a gym teacher, not a count teacher.
Beverly: You mean a math teacher?
Coach Mellor: I don't know. I'm not an English teacher either.

Quote from Hogan Is My Grandfather

Barry: Dude, look at the laundry basket! Is that one of those impossible-to-fold sheets Mom was tricking us with?
Coach Mellor: You mean fitted? I've danced with a few.
Erica: They're perfect.
Barry: You folded them? How'd you find the corners?
Coach Mellor: You don't find the corners of the sheet. The corners find you.

Quote from Goldberg on The Goldbergs

Coach Mellor: All right, that's it! You're outta here! [whistle blows]
Coach Nick: Did you just blow your whistle at me?
Coach Mellor: Yeah, I did! And according to the laws of coaching, that means you got to take a lap!
Coach Nick: No. You take the lap! [whistle blows]
Coach Mellor: How dare you blow your whistle at me in my gymnatorium?! You have no right!
Coach Nick: But I do. This is the Blare-X 2000, the Champagne of whistles, given only to college coaches. So, my whistle wins.
Coach Mellor: Anybody can get a whistle. What really matters is what's in here, and you and I both know I always give 110%.
Coach Nick: And everyone knows I give 111.
Coach Mellor: That's not possible! Everybody knows that 110% is the maximum!

Quote from A Night to Remember

Barry: I can't believe it. My girlfriend just broke up with me.
Coach Mellor: I know. We all know. There were hundreds of your judgy peers watching.
Barry: What am I gonna do?
Coach Mellor: Come on. Bring it in for a two-person huddle. Let Coach give you a pep talk with his body.
Barry: [crying]
Coach Mellor: That's it. You soak that rayon shirt down with your boy tears until you feel the strength return.

Quote from Spaceballs

Jackie: Oh, my God. Adam, this is fantastic. Look, you guys. This is exactly what this paper needs, a political cartoonist.
Adam: Uh, whuzzanuh?
Dave Kim: Oh, man. He's using Darth Vader as a commentary on Reagan's destruction of our environment.
Coach Mellor: We are not printing this smear piece, commie! Ronald Reagan's an American hero, and he created the Presidential Physical Fitness Test with his bare hands.

Quote from Hogan Is My Grandfather

Coach Mellor: Well, you've come to the right efficiency apartment. My perpetual single-tude has given me an amazing array of domestic skills. Make yourselves at home in my living room/gym/sitting area/lanai. Brisket? I made that in my gentleman's Crock-Pot.
Geoff: So tender! It falls apart at fork's first touch. Also, how long are we gonna be here?

Quote from A Wrestler Named Goldberg

Coach Mellor: You got that unhinged look in your eye. I like it. I like it a lot.
Barry: My mother says my eyes are the brownest brown.
Coach Mellor: I've seen browner.

Quote from Baio and Switch

Coach Mellor: Yes, we get it. You're the socially aware girl. No reason to showboat about it, other Goldberg.
Erica: I'll stop talking.

Quote from Jimmy 5 is Alive

Coach Mellor: What are we looking at here, Goldberg?
Barry: I taped over my fifth birthday party. My mom will never forgive me if I can't get her tape back. You're the A.V. Club advisor, help me.
Coach Mellor: Well, it's more of a ceremonial title. I just get to keep the key to the A.V. closet on my belt, and mostly I just hand the key off to that weird kid with the Muppet voice.
Barry: My brother?
Coach Mellor: That's him. Muppet boy.

Quote from Jimmy 5 is Alive

Barry: So is it possible? Can we unfilm what I taped over?
Coach Mellor: Absolutely. All we gotta do is pop that tape into the VCR, hit record and rewind at the same time, and it will unrecord the top layer of video.
Barry: Duh. The answer was infront of me the whole time.
Coach Mellor: To the nerd whole!

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