Geoff Schwartz Quotes Page 1 of 5

Quote from Dinner with the Goldbergs

Adult Adam: [v.o.] And with that, the Goldbergs officially broke the sweetest boyfriend in the world.
Beverly: Waiter, over here.
Geoff: No! This has never been our waiter! Look at his face! He's an entirely different person!
Erica: Geoff, you're making a scene.
Geoff: Oh, right, because the last thing we want is some unwanted, negative attention! This family should be barred from any and all dining establishments. I'm talking Beefsteak Charlie's, China Garden, Applebee's, even Tony Roma's.
Barry: I hear they make a top-notch shrimp scampi.
Geoff: Oh, my God. At a steak place, you get steak. And at a place for ribs, you eat ribs with your dominant hand without complaining that the world is prejudiced against you.
Adam: Burn! He got you good.
Geoff: And you, you know, despite your age, you still look like and sound like a tiny boy, so just order accordingly.
Beverly: He's right. You barely touched that steak.
Geoff: And you. You turned your purse into a mini-fridge. You took an hour to order, then stole food from that table, and then sent it back.
Pops: Hey, we're trying to enjoy Devon's graduation dinner in peace!
Geoff: And you! That's just a nice family trying to have a special meal together. Leave them alone!
Murray: What's Captain Soup going on about?
Geoff: And you, with your menu rules and your communal soda and you're forcing me to just eat soup? You think I didn't want steak?! I chose this place! I love their meats and their sides, and why do you keep eating through everything I'm saying right now? You know, you really are ruining our good people's name, and you know what I'm talking about.


Quote from Jimmy 5 is Alive

Erica: Dude, did you tape over your fifth birthday party?
Barry: That could have been anyone's parents.
Geoff: No, I remember that party. Your mom gave me a haircut because she said mine did a bad job.

Quote from Rush

Geoff: 'sup, Erica? Really feeling the flock today, am I right?
Erica: Ugh. Flock of Seagulls is so last week, Geoff. We're all about Debbie Gibson now.
Geoff: But I used an entire jar of honey for this. [Bees buzzing] I've been fighting off bees all morning.

Quote from A Chorus Lie

Geoff: Well, if you want to go to homecoming with me, I'll totally drop my foxy lady.
Barry: Your foxy lady is your cousin.
Geoff: Second cousin. Totally different blood line. I mean, I'm probably not going to do stuff. She looks just like me with a perm.

Quote from Breakin'

Geoff: I know, and having to write a speech on top of everything else completely implodes my jam-packed Filofax schedule.
Erica: What the hell am I looking at right now?
Geoff: My summer broken down and planned to the minute.
Erica: Dude, you have two jobs and five summer school classes and an internship at LensCrafters.
Geoff: Not enough?
Erica: It's more than enough. You even scheduled bathroom breaks.
Geoff: It's either Wednesdays at 4:00 or not at all.

Quote from Breakin'

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Since my mom was the one that put Geoff back on track, she knew it was her job to help him.
Geoff: Webster's Dictionary defines "Webster" as a sitcom about an adorable, pocket-sized boy. Hold for laughter. You know, if there's one thing that this school's done for me, it's [snorts] helped me find my voice. My throat is dry. In the immortal words of Mahatma Gandhi, is it me or is it hot in here? Gandhi did not said that. I said that because I'm drenched in fear right now. Although he could have said that. We don't know. He was hot in India. So, in conclusion, I ask you, do you see floating spots? 'Cause there's, like, so many.

Quote from A Wall Street Thanksgiving

Erica: I should be the one freaking out, Geoff. I'm so screwed.
Geoff: Well, on the bright side, at least you didn't sink all your money into some investment scam like Barry.
Erica: Investment scam. What investment scam?
Geoff: Oh, no! Please don't join your uncle's illicit "boiler room".
Erica: They have a boiler room? Where?
Geoff: In your basement, next to the actual boiler.

Quote from The Kara-te Kid

Geoff: We're totally the Zabkas.
Erica: Okay, what is happening?
Geoff: I just watched every Zabka movie. "Karate Kid", Zabka snap-kicks Daniel, who was just handing Ali back her radio. "Back to School", Zabka punches Rodney Dangerfield. He punches an old man in the face. "Just One of the Guys", Zabka throws a girl in the ocean. She was just trying to succeed as a photographer.
Erica: Hey! Terry lied to everybody about who she was, until she told him the truth with her boobs.
Geoff: I'm Geoff Schwartz, man. I can't be the Zabka. I'm the sweet, lovable, girl-next-door type. I'm the Elisabeth Shue.

Quote from Hogan Is My Grandfather

Geoff: Erica?! Oh, my God. You're back! Did you come all this way to surprise me?!
Erica: Oh, man. Uh, I mean, hey, you.
Geoff: I've missed you so much!
Erica: Same. But also, I am kind of busy dealing with this thing.
Geoff: Oh, can I help?
Erica: Do you know how to do laundry?
Geoff: Totally. There's this laundry chute by my bedroom, and I just put all my dirty clothes in it. And then a few days later, boom, they're back in my drawer.

Quote from Spaceballs

Adam: No, but I do have this. That's Baby Ruth picketing Sloth from The Goonies.
Barry: This is the one! You for sure show this to Jackie's parents.
Geoff: Please don't.
Barry: Kudos.
Geoff: No, my point is, you got to watch the news, read the paper, be able to discuss things that aren't The Goonies.

Quote from Adam Spielberg

Geoff: Can I be the prop guy? You know, everyone's always focused on the characters in the movie, but I'm always, like, "Where'd they get that salt shaker?"

Quote from Adam Spielberg

Geoff: Hey. I made the boulder that's gonna roll down these temple steps right for Indy.
Adam: Um, I think that should be, like, 10 times as big.
Geoff: That makes sense. Man, you're super good at directing.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Turns out, directing is, like, really hard.
Geoff: Okay, I'm back, and I nailed it. Oh! So, you want, like, a big one. Like Like, not a rock, but a boulder. Okay, this one's smaller, so that's on me.

Quote from Parents Just Don't Understand

Erica: Um, okay. So, what's going on?
Geoff: Not much, just here in my home, in in my house, where where I sit currently, on my bed, i-in my room.
Erica: Your room? I thought your parents took your phone away because of our long-distance bills.
Geoff: I just got a new one. It's yellow, and it's real. And how are your booms?
Erica: What?
Geoff: Your booms. Are- Are- Are you going boom? Because a healthy girl goes boom.
Erica: Ew. What the hell, dude?
Geoff: I'm sorry, does that mean that you're not going boom? J-Just answer the question. I'm so sorry about this!
Beverly: Forget the booms. Move on.
Geoff: Let's talk toenails. Are you clipping your toenails the right way? Because curved clippings make ingrowns. Oh, God, this is hard.

Quote from Parents Just Don't Understand

Erica: Did someone else pick up?
Geoff: Nope. Ignore that. It's just me in my house alone.
Barry: Hello?
Erica: Hello?
Barry: Hello?
Beverly: [whispering] Say something!
Geoff: Hello?
Barry: Hello?
Erica: Barry?
Barry: Did I dial you? That's so weird. I don't even know your number.
Erica: What? No. Geoff dialed me. Geoff?
Geoff: Yep! Uh, Barry's here, too, hanging out with me in my house. JTP!

Quote from Parents Just Don't Understand

Barry: Can you guys get off my line? I'm trying to call the library to find out what things rhyme with "Father."
Geoff: "Bother"! Now get off the phone! [PHONE DIALING] Oh, God.
Erica: Hello?!
Barry: Hello?
Adam: Hello?
Erica: Adam?
Adam: Hi, Mrs. Geary, is Jackie there?
Erica: It's Erica, dorkus. Why are you at Geoff's house, too?
Adam: Geoff's house?
Geoff: Yeah, my house! Go do nerd stuff at your house, Adam!

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