Geoff Schwartz Quotes Page 1 of 23    

Quote from Dinner with the Goldbergs

Adult Adam: [v.o.] And with that, the Goldbergs officially broke the sweetest boyfriend in the world.
Beverly: Waiter, over here.
Geoff: No! This has never been our waiter! Look at his face! He's an entirely different person!
Erica: Geoff, you're making a scene.
Geoff: Oh, right, because the last thing we want is some unwanted, negative attention! This family should be barred from any and all dining establishments. I'm talking Beefsteak Charlie's, China Garden, Applebee's, even Tony Roma's.
Barry: I hear they make a top-notch shrimp scampi.
Geoff: Oh, my God. At a steak place, you get steak. And at a place for ribs, you eat ribs with your dominant hand without complaining that the world is prejudiced against you.
Adam: Burn! He got you good.
Geoff: And you, you know, despite your age, you still look like and sound like a tiny boy, so just order accordingly.
Beverly: He's right. You barely touched that steak.
Geoff: And you. You turned your purse into a mini-fridge. You took an hour to order, then stole food from that table, and then sent it back.
Pops: Hey, we're trying to enjoy Devon's graduation dinner in peace!
Geoff: And you! That's just a nice family trying to have a special meal together. Leave them alone!
Murray: What's Captain Soup going on about?
Geoff: And you, with your menu rules and your communal soda and your forcing me to just eat soup? You think I didn't want steak?! I chose this place! I love their meats and their sides, and why do you keep eating through everything I'm saying right now? You know, you really are ruining our good people's name, and you know what I'm talking about.


Quote from A Peck of Familial Love

Geoff: Cool! Driving gloves!
Joanne: Yeah.
Geoff: Hope they don't turn me into Mario Andretti!
Erica: I think it'll be okay. You haven't made a left turn in three years.
Geoff: That's true.

Quote from Jimmy 5 is Alive

Erica: Dude, did you tape over your fifth birthday party?
Barry: That could have been anyone's parents.
Geoff: No, I remember that party. Your mom gave me a haircut because she said mine did a bad job.

Quote from Rush

Geoff: 'sup, Erica? Really feeling the flock today, am I right?
Erica: Ugh. Flock of Seagulls is so last week, Geoff. We're all about Debbie Gibson now.
Geoff: But I used an entire jar of honey for this. [Bees buzzing] I've been fighting off bees all morning.

Quote from Worst Grinch Ever

Erica: Why the hell did you steal Christmas? How the hell did you steal Christmas?
Geoff: Well, it wasn't easy. I went in her room and saw those candy canes hung in a row. "These candy canes," I said, "are the first things to go."
Erica: Okay, so you're gonna do the whole Dr. Seuss rhyming thing?
Geoff: I'm just trying to stay on theme.
Erica: Alright, well, keep going until I figure out how to punch you without leaving a bruise.
Geoff: I slithered and slunk.
Erica: Slunk?
Geoff: But with a smile most pleasant, I went around the room and I took every present.
Erica: Sure, but how did you manage to get the tree out of there without anyone noticing?
Geoff: That was a toughie 'cause I ran into a little setback.
Virginia Kremp: Geoff, why are you taking out the Christmas tree?
Geoff: [v.o.] But you know me. I'm smart and I'm slick. So I thought up a lie and I thought it up quick.
Geoff: [outloud] 'Cause I got an even better one.
Virginia Kremp: Oh, okay. Great!
Geoff: Seasons greetings.

Quote from A Chorus Lie

Geoff: Well, if you want to go to homecoming with me, I'll totally drop my foxy lady.
Barry: Your foxy lady is your cousin.
Geoff: Second cousin. Totally different blood line. I mean, I'm probably not going to do stuff. She looks just like me with a perm.

Quote from A Wall Street Thanksgiving

Erica: I should be the one freaking out, Geoff. I'm so screwed.
Geoff: Well, on the bright side, at least you didn't sink all your money into some investment scam like Barry.
Erica: Investment scam. What investment scam?
Geoff: Oh, no! Please don't join your uncle's illicit "boiler room".
Erica: They have a boiler room? Where?
Geoff: In your basement, next to the actual boiler.

Quote from Breakin'

Geoff: I know, and having to write a speech on top of everything else completely implodes my jam-packed Filofax schedule.
Erica: What the hell am I looking at right now?
Geoff: My summer broken down and planned to the minute.
Erica: Dude, you have two jobs and five summer school classes and an internship at LensCrafters.
Geoff: Not enough?
Erica: It's more than enough. You even scheduled bathroom breaks.
Geoff: It's either Wednesdays at 4:00 or not at all.

Quote from Breakin'

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Since my mom was the one that put Geoff back on track, she knew it was her job to help him.
Geoff: Webster's Dictionary defines "Webster" as a sitcom about an adorable, pocket-sized boy. Hold for laughter. You know, if there's one thing that this school's done for me, it's [snorts] helped me find my voice. My throat is dry. In the immortal words of Mahatma Gandhi, is it me or is it hot in here? Gandhi did not said that. I said that because I'm drenched in fear right now. Although he could have said that. We don't know. He was hot in India. So, in conclusion, I ask you, do you see floating spots? 'Cause there's, like, so many.

Quote from Geoff the Pleaser

Adult Adam: [v.o.] With my dad's advice, Geoff was ready to be a lump of his own.
Erica: Hey, Geoff, could you run to the mailroom and get my mail for me?
Adult Adam: [v.o.] He lowered expectations.
Geoff: Erica, when have I ever done stuff like that for you?
Erica: Only all the time.
Geoff: Yeah, well, not in the last two minutes, so stop expecting it.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] He underwhelmed.
Naked Rob: Geoff, you said you were going to make a chore wheel for our house.
Geoff: Oh, right, right. [writes on a napkin] Here you go.
Andy: Yeah, this seems less like a chore wheel and more like a napkin with the words "Andy" and "mop."
Geoff: That's how Geoff do?
Barry: Unacceptable, Geoff! Your chore-wheel-making privileges are revoked.

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