Mr. Glascott Quotes Page 1 of 8    

Quote from The Day After the Day After

Coach Mellor: What, you got no argument for that one?
Mr. Glascott: No, you're right. That movie has shaken me to my core. I have so many regrets.
Coach Mellor: You got about a week to fix 'em, Andre.
Mr. Glascott: Well, let's start with that one right there. My name is not Andre. I only said it was in college to make myself seem more interesting to the ladies.
Coach Mellor: Let it out.
Mr. Glascott: My name is Jonathan. And I love you, Lunch Lady Bernice! Are you out there? You're probably mashing potatoes.


Quote from Kara-Te

Mr. Glascott: I can't take this anymore. You want your kids in, they're in.
Pops: Oh, great! Which one?
Mr. Glascott: I don't know! Both of them? None of them? I really don't care! I mean, it's a stupid freakin' high school talent show! I had one moment of weakness where I tried to do something kind for your son. I apologize! All I care about now is that I owe 20 grand in student loans, I live in a studio apartment above a steaming hot dry cleaner, and I have a second job where I work as a pizza man, and occasionally I get to deliver pizzas to my students. Oh, also I have a parrot that I can't get rid of. They live for 80 years. Did you know that? Nobody tells you about that. You have to put them in your will! It's a nightmare! So, yeah, do whatever you wanna do, 'cause I really don't care!

Quote from A Kick-Ass Risky Business Party

Mr. Glascott: I've been in a long distance relationship for the past seven years.
Murray: Really?
Mr. Glascott: Ellen lives in Tampa. And I'm lucky, too, because Ellen has a male roommate to keep an eye on her when we're apart.
Murray: She lives with a guy?
Mr. Glascott: Yeah, Todd. He's a life guard, so he can totally give her CPR if she ever gets in any trouble. He's a real stud. I mean, does he even own a shirt?
Adam: See, Dad, it can work.
Murray: Kid, pay attention. This might be helpful to you. This long distance girlfriend you got. You see her much?
Mr. Glascott: Well, not since she went to Paris. And of course Todd tagged along, since he speaks French. He's a good egg.
Murray: It sounds like she's with this Todd guy.
Mr. Glascott: No, no, no. She's taking his last name for insurance purposes. Point is, long distance can work.
Adam: I wanna believe you, but your story has some holes.

Quote from Weird Al

Mr. Glascott: Let me get this straight. You don't struggle getting out of bed every morning because, what's the point?
Murray: No.
Mr. Glascott: You don't desperately fear being alone again at Thanksgiving?
Murray: No.
Mr. Glascott: You've never faced the bottom of an ice-cream pint and thought, "Screw it. I'm going again"?
Murray: No.
Mr. Glascott: You don't write "Help me" in steam on the shower door?
Murray: What?
Mr. Glascott: Nothing. Okay, well, look. I'm glad that we could help you, Mr. Goldberg. If you guys don't mind, I need to take a personal day.

Quote from Island Time

Mr. Glascott: Look into your heart. Who would you rather be a ward to?
Adam: I just wanna make movies, man!
Mr. Perott: Then go make 'em, Adam.
Mr. Glascott: The boy needs to attend college. His she‐devil mother demands it.
Adam: Wait, my mom was behind this?
Mr. Glascott: Ah. Yes. Dang it. And I dress up like Prince on the weekends. The secret is out. [chuckles] She can't hurt me now.

Quote from Eracism

Adam: I know you'll say I'm wrong, but I feel how I feel. The world is a bag of hot, festering crap.
Mr. Glascott: Mm-hmm.
Adam: What do you mean, "Mm-hmm?"
Mr. Glascott: I agree. The world is crap in a bag.
Adam: What? Aren't you gonna try to make me feel better?
Mr. Glascott: Do you know I get followed by store security at the pharmacy? I'm a 55-year-old man in an argyle sweater vest. What am I stealing? More mustache shampoo?
Adam: You use a separate product for your mustache?
Mr. Glascott: It's a very different hair. But you're missing the point... the world is terrible.
Adam: But if it's all bad, how do we fix it?
Mr. Glascott: All you can do is chip away. For me, it's trying to get the board to change our textbooks. They're outdated and biased. Did you know that the chapter on Civil Rights is basically a fold-out of Lyndon B. Johnson? If you open the third page, you can see half of Martin Luther King Jr.'s face. Sadly, he's misidentified as Lou Rawls.

Quote from Crazy Calls

Mr. Glascott: Figuring out where to sit, eh?
Adam: Yeah.
Mr. Glascott: Ah, that's a sad dance that I know all too well. But lucky for you, I'm a guidance counselor, and I can guide you to lunchroom success.
Adam: Um, maybe I could sit with the preppies?
Mr. Glascott: Come on, man. You want to walk around in boat shoes with no socks? You want to invite that kind of fungus in your life?

Quote from The Spencer's Gift

Beverly: Don't worry, sweet potato. Mr. Glascott doesn't know anything.
Mr. Glascott: Oh, but I do. You see, I once made my way out to L.A. with my own foolish dreams. I thought I'd become a big-time Hollywood scriptwriter. I even wrote a teleplay.
Murray: "Sole Brothers"?
Mr. Glascott: That's "sole" spelled S-O-L-E. Upon their father's death, two brothers take the reins, or laces, of the family shoe store. They're detectives, but they have different styles. You really need to read it.
Murray: No, I don't.
Beverly: What are you telling my boy?
Mr. Glascott: I'm telling your son the same thing Robert Wagner told me when I approached him in the men's room at Chasen's, this is inappropriate.

Quote from Weird Al

Mr. Glascott: You kids made the right choice coming to old Glascott. Let's do this.
Erica: Well, technically, we came to you for a recommendation.
Mr. Glascott: And I recommended myself. I come highly recommended.

Quote from Dungeons and Dragons, Anyone?

Murray: Okay, compromise. The moron boys can get the hell out, but my little peanut, she's going to school in Philadelphia.
Mr. Glascott: I get it. I got a bird. She's my princess. If she flew away, I don't know what I would do.

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