Mr. Glascott Quotes Page 1 of 4

Quote from The Day After the Day After

Coach Mellor: What, you got no argument for that one?
Mr. Glascott: No, you're right. That movie has shaken me to my core. I have so many regrets.
Coach Mellor: You got about a week to fix 'em, Andre.
Mr. Glascott: Well, let's start with that one right there. My name is not Andre. I only said it was in college to make myself seem more interesting to the ladies.
Coach Mellor: Let it out.
Mr. Glascott: My name is Jonathan. And I love you, Lunch Lady Bernice! Are you out there? You're probably mashing potatoes.

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Quote from Kara-Te

Mr. Glascott: I can't take this anymore. You want your kids in, they're in.
Pops: Oh, great! Which one?
Mr. Glascott: I don't know! Both of them? None of them? I really don't care! I mean, it's a stupid freakin' high school talent show! I had one moment of weakness where I tried to do something kind for your son. I apologize! All I care about now is that I owe 20 grand in student loans, I live in a studio apartment above a steaming hot dry cleaner, and I have a second job where I work as a pizza man, and occasionally I get to deliver pizzas to my students. Oh, also I have a parrot that I can't get rid of. They live for 80 years. Did you know that? Nobody tells you about that. You have to put them in your will! It's a nightmare! So, yeah, do whatever you wanna do, 'cause I really don't care!

Quote from A Kick-Ass Risky Business Party

Mr. Glascott: I've been in a long distance relationship for the past seven years.
Murray: Really?
Mr. Glascott: Ellen lives in Tampa. And I'm lucky, too, because Ellen has a male roommate to keep an eye on her when we're apart.
Murray: She lives with a guy?
Mr. Glascott: Yeah, Todd. He's a life guard, so he can totally give her CPR if she ever gets in any trouble. He's a real stud. I mean, does he even own a shirt?
Adam: See, Dad, it can work.
Murray: Kid, pay attention. This might be helpful to you. This long distance girlfriend you got. You see her much?
Mr. Glascott: Well, not since she went to Paris. And of course Todd tagged along, since he speaks French. He's a good egg.
Murray: It sounds like she's with this Todd guy.
Mr. Glascott: No, no, no. She's taking his last name for insurance purposes. Point is, long distance can work.
Adam: I wanna believe you, but your story has some holes.

Quote from Weird Al

Mr. Glascott: Let me get this straight. You don't struggle getting out of bed every morning because, what's the point?
Murray: No.
Mr. Glascott: You don't desperately fear being alone again at Thanksgiving?
Murray: No.
Mr. Glascott: You've never faced the bottom of an ice-cream pint and thought, "Screw it. I'm going again"?
Murray: No.
Mr. Glascott: You don't write "Help me" in steam on the shower door?
Murray: What?
Mr. Glascott: Nothing. Okay, well, look. I'm glad that we could help you, Mr. Goldberg. If you guys don't mind, I need to take a personal day.

Quote from Crazy Calls

Mr. Glascott: Figuring out where to sit, eh?
Adam: Yeah.
Mr. Glascott: Ah, that's a sad dance that I know all too well. But lucky for you, I'm a guidance counselor, and I can guide you to lunchroom success.
Adam: Um, maybe I could sit with the preppies?
Mr. Glascott: Come on, man. You want to walk around in boat shoes with no socks? You want to invite that kind of fungus in your life?

Quote from The Spencer's Gift

Beverly: Don't worry, sweet potato. Mr. Glascott doesn't know anything.
Mr. Glascott: Oh, but I do. You see, I once made my way out to L.A. with my own foolish dreams. I thought I'd become a big-time Hollywood scriptwriter. I even wrote a teleplay.
Murray: "Sole Brothers"?
Mr. Glascott: That's "sole" spelled S-O-L-E. Upon their father's death, two brothers take the reins, or laces, of the family shoe store. They're detectives, but they have different styles. You really need to read it.
Murray: No, I don't.
Beverly: What are you telling my boy?
Mr. Glascott: I'm telling your son the same thing Robert Wagner told me when I approached him in the men's room at Chasen's, this is inappropriate.

Quote from Dungeons and Dragons, Anyone?

Murray: Okay, compromise. The moron boys can get the hell out, but my little peanut, she's going to school in Philadelphia.
Mr. Glascott: I get it. I got a bird. She's my princess. If she flew away, I don't know what I would do.

Quote from The Dynamic Duo

Mr. Glascott: Are any of you familiar with the International Correspondence School? You may have seen their catchy TV commercials starring America's sweetheart, Sally Struthers.
Murray: Don't.
Mr. Glascott: Ooh, look. In just two short years, you can get a degree in TV/VCR repair.
Erica: But I don't want to fix TVs.
Mr. Glascott: Well, luckily, you have a bunch of other options gun repair, child daycare, learning the personal computer.
Murray: We're seeing the same thing you are. You don't have to read it out loud!
Mr. Glascott: Interior decorating? Cooking? Art? Air condition and maintenance? I mean, what does this school not have?
Murray: A campus.

Quote from Rush

Erica: And you, why are you even here? You're a teacher.
Mr. Glascott: I'm here to guide you away from dating Atkins. Yeah, I'm pretty sure he's an adult man living amongst the student body as an undercover cop.
Carla: Like "21 Jump Street"?
Mr. Glascott: Mm-hmm.
Geoff: That makes sense to me.

Quote from The Spencer's Gift

Mr. Glascott: Oh, speaking of my screenplay, I mocked up a poster to help sell it in the room. These are twin shoe salesmen/detectives, Jeffrey Sole and David Alan Brothers.
Murray: If they're brothers, why do they have different last names?
Mr. Glascott: If you read the script, you'd understand.

Quote from The Day After the Day After

Mr. Glascott: Okay, students, even though we warned you all not to watch that terrifying TV movie, apparently everyone in this school did, as well as 100 million other people. Therefore, we are going to have an emergency meeting entitled "The Day After 'The Day After.'"
Coach Mellor: Of course, the gym is booked, so it'll be "The Day After The Day After 'The Day After.'"
Mr. Glascott: So, Wednesday.

Quote from Weird Al

Mr. Glascott: You kids made the right choice coming to old Glascott. Let's do this.
Erica: Well, technically, we came to you for a recommendation.
Mr. Glascott: And I recommended myself. I come highly recommended.

Quote from Breakfast Club

Beverly: Oh, the teachers' lounge! Oh! [Chuckles] So beautiful. I'm home.
Mr. Glascott: Well, well, well. The rumors are true.
Beverly: Hello, Andre.
Mr. Glascott: [Laughing] Oh. I've been waiting for this moment a long, long time.
Beverly: Thank you so much. I've worked really hard to get here.
Mr. Glascott: Not to support you. To destroy you!
Beverly: What?!
Mr. Glascott: Well, maybe not destroy, but to be cold and distant. Doesn't really come naturally to me. I'm really a people person. Everybody says so. But after all the times you made the teachers' lives hell, did you really think that we were gonna accept you as one of us?
Beverly: It wasn't personal. I was just doing my job as Mama Bear.
Mr. Glascott: Well, the bear's got no claws now. [laughs] That's right! We got the claws!

Quote from Breakfast Club

Mr. Glascott: I'm afraid only real teachers are welcome in the teachers' lounge. [chuckles] And you're not one of us.
Beverly: So, where am I supposed to eat lunch?
Mr. Glascott: The cafeteria. That's where all the subs eat. All the subs and that new music teacher who wants all the students to think that he's one of them. [scoffs] Yeah, I had a band once, too, Cody. Point is, get out!

Quote from Baré

Mr. Glascott: I'm referring to how Lainey got accepted into the Savannah College of Art and Design.
Lainey: I think Mr. Glascott might be mistaken.
Mr. Glascott: No, it's right here on official stationery.
Barry: How is this the first I'm hearing about this?
Lainey: Well, I must have gotten in this very second. Yay!
Mr. Glascott: No, this letter says you got in over a month ago.
Barry: That's impossible! Lainey would never hide something so big from me.
Mr. Glascott: Yes, that would be a terrible betrayal that would rock the very foundation of everything that you hold dear.
Lainey: Read the room, dude.
Mr. Glascott: Roger that.

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