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29Quotes from ‘The Spencer's Gift’

The Goldbergs: The Spencer's Gift

414. The Spencer's Gift

Aired February 15, 2017

As Barry and Erica get competitive over their new jobs at Spencer's Gifts, Murray pushes Adam to go out into the real world and find a job.

Quote from Murray

Barry: Dad, we need you to sign a permission slip.
Murray: Ask your mother.
Erica: She's not home.
Murray: I hope it's not time-sensitive. Good luck to both of you.
Erica: We both got jobs at Spencer's Gifts, and we can't start until we get parental consent.
Murray: Give it to me! I'll sign it right now!
Barry: Before you do, you should really understand what you're agreeing to.
Murray: I agree.
Erica: Just know if you sign that slip, there's a good chance we'll become fully independent and move out.
Murray: Damn it, where's my pen?
Barry: You might not even have to pay for college.
Murray: I need my pen!
Barry: Here you go, Father.
Murray: Let's sign this baby.
Barry: And that's just one of the many hilarious items we'll be selling at Spencer Gifts.
Murray: Not even you being a moron can spoil my mood. This is the greatest day of my life! Uh, this'll work.

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Quote from Pops

Adam: It was terrible. They shook me down for all my quarters.
Pops: Was one dressed like a ditzy redhead and the other like a smart-alec shoeshiner?
Murray: Albert, not everything is a grift.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Yeah, I stare at him, too. (chuckles) It's hard to believe that the bigger he gets, the more delicious he becomes, huh?
Erica: Are we looking at the same thing? The hell is in your son's hands right now?
Barry: Why does he have a waterproof Sports Boom Box with mega bass when we had to get jobs to get one?
Beverly: Adam is not like the two of you. He can't just work any old job. He's, uh- What do I want to say here? Better than you.
Barry: He's better than you!
Erica: You can't say that!
Beverly: I knew you'd understand.

Quote from Adam

Murray: Okay, let me clean this up. He's saying you're definitely not gonna make it. Good talk.
Adam: But Mom believes in me.
Murray: Yeah, well, she also believes that Erica's gonna be on the cover of Rolling Stone and Barry's gonna be a surgeon.
Adam: Oh, sweet balls! None of those things are ever gonna happen.

Quote from Mr. Glascott

Beverly: Don't worry, sweet potato. Mr. Glascott doesn't know anything.
Mr. Glascott: Oh, but I do. You see, I once made my way out to L.A. with my own foolish dreams. I thought I'd become a big-time Hollywood scriptwriter. I even wrote a teleplay.
Murray: "Sole Brothers"?
Mr. Glascott: That's "sole" spelled S-O-L-E. Upon their father's death, two brothers take the reins, or laces, of the family shoe store. They're detectives, but they have different styles. You really need to read it.
Murray: No, I don't.
Beverly: What are you telling my boy?
Mr. Glascott: I'm telling your son the same thing Robert Wagner told me when I approached him in the men's room at Chasen's, this is inappropriate.

Quote from Murray

Adam: Dad, today I became a man.
Murray: Go brag to your friends and your grandpa. That's not a "me" thing.
Adam: No, no. I got a job.
Murray: A real one?
Adam: Yep, at my favorite place in the world, the arcade.
Murray: All my children have jobs? This is my dream. I close my eyes, and this is what I see.
Adam: That's a sad dream, but you have a sad life, so I get it.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Mmm. Hickory Farms samples. What's better than free meat?
Erica: Do you even know what you're eating right now?
Barry: Hello? It's summer sausage. It's delicious because it's made by the sun.

Quote from Barry

Erica: Well, keep dreaming, 'cause there's no way Dad's ever gonna buy us one.
Lainey: Well, you could always get jobs.
Barry: A job? How would I be able to spend time after school at the mall if I already have a job after school at the mall?

Quote from Adam

Mr. Glascott: No, your son would do miserably in Hollywood, and that's a fact.
Beverly: My son is a star, and you're gonna die alone!
Mr. Glascott: While I do feel that way, I'm just stating the hard truth. It's more likely that your puny son will become a power forward for the Sixers than a big Hollywood muckety-muck.
Adam: Oh, no, Mama. I don't want to play whatever sport he's talking about.

Quote from Mr. Glascott

Mr. Glascott: Oh, speaking of my screenplay, I mocked up a poster to help sell it in the room. These are twin shoe salesmen/detectives, Jeffrey Sole and David Alan Brothers.
Murray: If they're brothers, why do they have different last names?
Mr. Glascott: If you read the script, you'd understand.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: How could you let him accept a job and be part of the world?
Murray: I didn't do anything. It was easy.
Beverly: It's fine. I'll just wait it out until he quits or gets fired.
Murray: Or he'll learn responsibility and pride from a job well done.
Beverly: Oh, shut the [bleep] up, Murray.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Oh, Leon, I'm gonna need the keys to the glass case.
Leon: The glass case? With the pewter dragons holding the crystal balls? I haven't opened this case in years.
Barry: Yeah, I saw this stupid goth kid in the mall, and I said to myself, "That kid'll buy a dragon." So I struck up a convo, and he's coming in.
Leon: Oh, my God. Son, you've got it. The gift. The Spencer's gift.

Quote from Beverly

Adam: Mom, you got to stop. I just lost a real job.
Beverly: You know what else is real? You walking me down the red carpet at the Academy Awards.
Adam: To be clear, if I ever get a job in show business, I am not taking you as my date to anything.
Beverly: Of course you are.
Adam: [scoffs] I'm super not.
Beverly: Well, who else are you gonna take?
Adam: Um, my wife?
Beverly: Oh, it's cool. She'll understand.
Adam: No, she won't.
Beverly: I'll talk to her. She'll get it.
Adam: You stay away from her. Seriously. She didn't sign up for this.
Beverly: So, What I'm the only one who believes in you, but I have to read about your successes in People magazine, like some poor slob at a dentist's office?
Adam: I'll tell you before the article comes out, okay?
Beverly: If I pay back the arcade, can I go to the Oscars then?
Adam: You can ride with me and my wife in the limo, but you can't go in.
Beverly: I'll find a way.

Quote from Barry

Leon: Barry. We need to talk.
Barry: Leon. What are you doing back?
Leon: Someone paged me to come back to the store. When I got here, you were gone and so were all the bottled farts.
Barry: Oh, no! Not the bottled farts.
Leon: Yes, the bottled farts. When I saw all the bottled farts were gone, I was excited. I thought you sold the bottled farts. But now it seems you lost the bottled farts.
Barry: I'd never lose the bottled farts.
Leon: Barry, do you understand that each bottled fart was ass-crafted by a third-generation fartist in Pueblo, Colorado?
Barry: So they just fart into the bottles?
Leon: Oh, it's so much more than that. Inside every bottled fart lives a child's wish. And now all those wishes have vanished, like... something in the wind.
Barry: A squeaky fart?
Leon: Damn it. No one gets it like you, Barry.


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