Adult Adam: [v.o.] I knew my mom was worried that I was out all night, but maybe we could discuss it like reasonable people.
Beverly: Where in the [bleep] were you?
Mr. Glascott: Ooh, coming in hot but deserved.
Adam: Why is my high school guidance counselor here?
Mr. Glascott: When will you acknowledge that I have transitioned from scholastic acquaintance to top-tier family friend?
Beverly: I aged years last night worrying about you, though you would never know it because of my fabulous skin.
Mr. Glascott: It's like a fine Dutch porcelain.
Beverly: Thank you.
Mr. Glascott: Would "just a guidance counselor" say something that personal? I don't think so.

Mr. Glascott: Adam, do you know how I got in here just now?
Adam: You walked.
Mr. Glascott: Yes, but first I used this.
Adam: I'm pretty sure it was unlocked.
Mr. Glascott: Well, I could've used this. Do you know what this is? A key to the Goldberg home. And why would I be entrusted with such a precious item?
Adam: I bet you're gonna tell me.
Mr. Glascott: It's a token of my place as the unspoken official member of your family.
Adam: Let's emphasize the unspoken part.
Mr. Glascott: I was at all your graduations, Erica's wedding reception, and when baby Muriel came home from the hospital, who was the 13th person to hold her?
Adam: Someone who loves to interrupt a man's breakfast?
Mr. Glascott: John Latifa Glascott, the permanent holder of the golden key of trust.
Beverly: Ah! There's my emergency spare. Ginzy's back home from vacation, so it's hers again.
Mr. Glascott: Rats and mice! I was so close. [sighs] I'm taking an orange.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Meanwhile, my mom was busy entertaining pals at afternoon tea.
Mr. Glascott: Isn't tea time nice? And who doesn't love tiny sandwiches? [chuckles] I feel like Andre the Giant. Such a strong and impressive man with many health issues. The heart struggles to pump blood through a body that large.
Virginia Kremp: So, is it just us and John today?
Beverly: I'm afraid so.

Beverly: This is insane. I've never overstepped in his romantic life.
Mr. Glascott: Uh...
Beverly: If anything, I've made his relationships better.
Mr. Glascott: [higher-pitched] Uh...
Beverly: Instead of yelling at me, he should be drowning me in kisses.
Mr. Glascott: [higher-pitched] Uh...
Beverly: Alright. Enough with the musical scale. Just use your words.
Mr. Glascott: Even as the most casual observer of young Adam's dating life, you've been... How do I put this gently?
Virginia Kremp: A love-squeezing anaconda snuffing out his last breath of happiness?
Mr. Glascott: I was in the area of a bulldozer of carnage driven by Satan in a hard hat. It's playful and evocative.

Beverly: Well, aren't you both clever. In fact, why don't you wrap up your [bleep] little sandwiches and get the [bleep] out?
Mr. Glascott: This can't be a surprise to you. You have been despicable to Jackie and Dana and, more recently, Brea Bee.
Beverly: Don't you seem to have quite the instant recall on Adam's former flames.
Mr. Glascott: As the William Penn guidance counselor, I find it essential to obsessively follow the romantic comings and goings of every student.
Virginia Kremp: So, that's actually far more disturbing than Beverly's dumb thing.

Mr. Glascott: Flattered as I am, I don't know if I can commit to a friend group. I prefer to bask in the glow of one mon ami at a time.

Mr. Glascott: Figuring out where to sit, eh?
Adam: Yeah.
Mr. Glascott: Ah, that's a sad dance that I know all too well. But lucky for you, I'm a guidance counselor, and I can guide you to lunchroom success.
Adam: Um, maybe I could sit with the preppies?
Mr. Glascott: Come on, man. You want to walk around in boat shoes with no socks? You want to invite that kind of fungus in your life?

Mr. Glascott: I'm afraid only real teachers are welcome in the teachers' lounge. [chuckles] And you're not one of us.
Beverly: So, where am I supposed to eat lunch?
Mr. Glascott: The cafeteria. That's where all the subs eat. All the subs and that new music teacher who wants all the students to think that he's one of them. [scoffs] Yeah, I had a band once, too, Cody. Point is, get out!

Beverly: Don't worry, sweet potato. Mr. Glascott doesn't know anything.
Mr. Glascott: Oh, but I do. You see, I once made my way out to L.A. with my own foolish dreams. I thought I'd become a big-time Hollywood scriptwriter. I even wrote a teleplay.
Murray: "Sole Brothers"?
Mr. Glascott: That's "sole" spelled S-O-L-E. Upon their father's death, two brothers take the reins, or laces, of the family shoe store. They're detectives, but they have different styles. You really need to read it.
Murray: No, I don't.
Beverly: What are you telling my boy?
Mr. Glascott: I'm telling your son the same thing Robert Wagner told me when I approached him in the men's room at Chasen's, this is inappropriate.

Mr. Glascott: You kids made the right choice coming to old Glascott. Let's do this.
Erica: Well, technically, we came to you for a recommendation.
Mr. Glascott: And I recommended myself. I come highly recommended.