Dave Kim: "Reasons Not To Live With DK." Unbelievable!
Adam: Well, you don't know. [chuckles] "DK" could stand for Donna Karan. Or Donkey Kong.
Dave Kim: Turtlenecks! Bowl cut! My profound sleep apnea?! Only you and Dave Kim's mom know about that!
Erica: So we're trying to help our little brother not be a social disaster before he even starts college. It's not personal. Sorta.
Dave Kim: [scoffs, chuckles] You're gonna go there? Because you're just a married lady who can't sing. Drop out of another school, why don't you?! Because your best years are behind you!
Erica: Whoa!
Barry: Ha! He got you bad.
Dave Kim: And you. With your stupid fingers and gross shirts and fake bravado masking colossal insecurity. You're a buffoon who can't rap, runs weird, and no one likes you!
Barry: What are these words?!
Adam: Let's just take a beat.
Dave Kim: You're the worst of all. 'Cause you listened to them. Unum-dip-shnee-[whistles]-vici-ate-you-hay.
Erica: What'd he say?
Adam: Horrible, horrible things.
Barry: [after writing "Mean!" on the chalkboard] Mean.

Principal Ball: I call your name, and then you go up and get the piece of paper. But no showboating, no speeches, and no doing the worm, Dave Kim. I am onto you.
Dave Kim: This is America, man.

Dave Kim: Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop. Question. Which Goonie am I?
Adam: Oh, yeah, Dave Kim. Good question. Who's left? Let's see. Hmm, tough call. Well, Brand is taken, so-
Dave Kim: You wanted me to be Data.
Adam: What? No. I just invited all of my closest friends over to hang out.
Dave Kim: You've literally never invited me over before.
Adam: So you don't think we're friends. That really stings, Dave Kim really stings. But since you're here, you might as well wear this elaborate gadget and trench coat.

Dave Kim: Bro, you don't have a prayer.
Adam: Shut up, Dave Kim. This face was made for TV.
Dave Kim: But that voice, youch. You two can't compete with Handsome Ben.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] He was right. We all had one growing up, the vicious rival who always won.
Dave Kim: Who always beats you out for class president?
Adam: Handsome Ben.
Dave Kim: And who always gets the lead in the musical?
Adam: Handsome Ben.
Dave Kim: Who was first in line to see "Temple of Doom"?
Adam: Handsome Ben.
Dave Kim: You had to sit in the second row, like a chump.

Dave Kim: Well, looks like you're gonna need a new partner.
Handsome Ben: For sure. Hey, Amy, be my partner?
Amy: Definitely. You're handsome.
Dave Kim: Dave Kim always a bridesmaid.

Dave Kim: We're gonna relive all of the classic "Sixteen Candles" party moments.
Emmy Mirsky: Like what?
Dave Kim: I'm talking beer-can pyramid. Pizza on the record player. Irreparable house damage! Somehow, foam gets in your vents. Toilet paper trees. And, obviously, a dweeb will be imprisoned in your glass coffee table.
Adam: But what about Long Duk Dong?
Dave Kim: No! There will be no discussion of the Donger.
Adam: I'm trying to-
Dave Kim: Say he's hilarious? Well, he's not.
Adam: Get off your totally warranted soapbox, Dave Kim. I'm trying to say I'm in.

Dave Kim: Well, I told my mom, "No more! Dave Kim is a grown-up who doesn't need his mommy on some field trip! Now sign my permission slip and lay out my clothes!"

Dave Kim: Dude, I got Lazar Wolf, the handsome town stud. That's typecasting Dave Kim likes.

Dan: Gym is pointless, and so is Mellor.
Dave Kim: All he does is push us out of our comfort zone. The zone I love being in!

Dave Kim: And how can a turtleneck be too risqué? I haven't seen my own neck in years!