Barry Goldberg Quotes Page 1 of 53

Quote from Why're You Hitting Yourself?

Barry: My perfect girl? Well, she should have big blue eyes, and big blonde hair.
Beverly: Mmm, she sounds fun.
Barry: She shouldn't be afraid to speak her mind, you know? I mean, she should have a sensitive side, but still be a hard-ass.
Beverly: Oh, sit up straight, honey.
Barry: And I want her to take care of me. Cook, pick up my stuff, make me hot pockets.
Beverly: Mmm.
Barry: By the way, thank you for the hot pocket.
Beverly: All right, and I'm on the case for my sweet, handsome, delicious boy.
Erica: You know you just described mom.
Barry: What!? I did n- Oh, my God! Mom! I meant a brunette who doesn't cook at all. And she's gotta be super shy and not related to me at all.

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Quote from Cowboy Country

Barry: If I hear you say no again, I'm hulking out. We're talking screaming and swearing. I'm gonna smash this decorative box.
Murray: Do not hulk out. Do not smash that decorative box.
Barry: Say goodbye to the decorative box.
Murray: Your mom keeps her knick-knacks in there.
Barry: I'll destroy her knick-knacks too! Hulk doesn't respect knick-knacks..

Quote from The Opportunity of a Lifetime

Beverly: I just I wanted to tell Barry, uh, [quietly] don't pitch.
Barry: Did you just call me a "dumb bitch"?
Beverly: No, I said "don't pitch."
Barry: What? That's even worse!

Quote from The Adam Bomb

Barry: I saw something today that changed me. David Hasselhoff was on the Great Wall of China in a light up jacket singing about freedom. And it occurred to me, if Knightrider can make East and West Russia find common ground, maybe we can too.
Pops: While your facts are wildly off, your spirit is right on the money.

Quote from In Conclusion, Thanksgiving

Barry: So, that's when Chris Columbo married Pocahontas and they feasted on corn. Or maize, named after its amazing taste after you add butter.

Quote from Van People

Erica: I only have sixty bucks. How much you got?
Barry: I'd have to move some stuff around, but roughly twelve hundred.
Erica: Dollars? How?
Barry: Basically, you've inherited dad's stubbornness, and I inherited his cheapness. You see, every day for lunch mom gives me two dollars. I spend twenty-five cents on chocolate milk, and eat food scraps off friends' plates and random tables.

Quote from George! George Glass!

Barry: Dad, we need to have an insanely important talk. And if you say, "Go to your mother," there will be serious consequences.
Murray: Not listening. Go to your mother.
Barry: Okay, you know how all the awesome stuff happens in New York and L.A. and Florida, but never here?
Murray: You do know that Philadelphia is the birthplace of our country, right?
Barry: Enough with your folk tales, old man!

Quote from The Opportunity of a Lifetime

Beverly: Look, I spoke to Coach Mellor. He said the most likely outcome here is that you'll be a city-wide pariah.
Barry: [gasps] The fish that have teeth? Yes! They're the sharks of the river.
Beverly: Not "piranha," Barry. I'm saying you'll be a laughingstock.

Quote from I Drank The Mold

Murray: No more music crap! First I bought you records, then eight-tracks, then cassettes, where does it end?
Barry: Here. The technology ends here. CDs are so good that scientists have given up and quit. It's all over the paper. They're unemployed.

Quote from Big Orange

Barry: I don't know who I am anymore. Am I big or tasty? No one knows!

Quote from A Kick-Ass Risky Business Party

Barry: What happened? What did she do? I'm so angry even though I don't have any of the information.

Quote from I Caddyshacked the Pool

Barry: Wait, she's getting interviewed by the William Penn Mirror?
Lainey: Come on, don't get all jealous because your sister's making news.
Barry: And me eating thirty-two fish sticks in the cafeteria isn't? This is classic media bias!

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