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36Quotes from ‘O Captain! My Captain!’

The Goldbergs: O Captain! My Captain!

411. O Captain! My Captain!

Aired January 4, 2017

After Beverly sees "Dead Poets Society", she tries to inspire Barry as a substitute teacher. Meanwhile, Adam learns about the difficulties of being a teenage girl.

Quote from Adam

Adam: Excuse me. Hi, I'm Adam F. Goldberg. Not be confused with the other Adam Goldberg.
Johnny Atkins: The artsy dude?
Adam: Actually, we both have an appreciation for the arts. He's more of a multi-hyphenate. I've been focusing on the written word.

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Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Good morning, class. Uh, before we get started, does anyone need to make? Hmm? Anyone? There's gonna be a lot of learning today, so if you got to make, do it now. Anyone got to make poo-poos?
Barry: Stop! No one has to make!
Beverly: Moving on.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: All right, according to this memo from Principal Ball, Mr. Gluckman has been checked into a rehab facility to address his relationship with cocaine. "Please tell the students he has the flu." Okay. Mr. Gluckman has the flu. I'll be your sub for the next thirty days.

Quote from Adam

Emmy Mirsky: Next time you get caught with a note, just do what a normal person does and eat it.
Adam: Dude, you can't eat paper. My mom says it plugs up your bottom.

Quote from Adam

Beverly: Bonjour, my little French fries. By the time I'm done with you, you're going to be eating snails, not taking baths, and enjoying the silent art of mime.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Like most substitute teachers, she didn't know very much.
Adam: They're a weird people, hmm?

Quote from Andy

Beverly: Question: Who here is familiar with the film "Dead Poets Society?"
Naked Rob: Chill, dude. Your mom's gonna show us a movie. It's a classic sub move.
Beverly: Oh, we're not watching it. We're living it!
Geoff: Oh, no.
Naked Rob: Barry's right.
Beverly: In fact, I need a volunteer chosen completely at random to come stand on my desk and view the world from a new perspective.
Geoff: Oh, no.
Andy: She wants us to learn by standing on furniture?

Quote from Coach Mellor

Coach Mellor: Whoa, whoa! There's no climbing in school. Unless it's on a rope hung dangerously from the rafters of the gymnasium.

Quote from Mr. Glascott

Mr. Glascott: Mr. Goldberg, since that little paper is more important than life-saving CPR, maybe you'd like to stand and share it with the rest of us.
Adam: Ballsssss. To be clear I did not write this. "Dude, when did Emmy Mirsky get so dang foxy? I mean, holy boobs, Batman! Look at those sweatshirt puppies." Again, I did not write this.
Mr. Glascott: Oh, that sucked. My intention was to teach you a lesson about note-passing, but instead, I just made us all feel wildly uncomfortable. Let's just move on to Chapter 6, okay? Female reproductive? Nope. Class dismissed.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Science makes no sense, and I don't need it. Especially 'cause I'm gonna marry Kathy Ireland.
Beverly: Who?
Barry: Supermodel Kathy Ireland. I'm gonna be her lazy mooch of a husband who lives in her mansion in Ireland. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go brush up on my Irish culture and [bad Irish accent] find me gold at the end of the rainbow, mon.
Pops: Well, that accent was definitely Jamaican.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Erica: Hey, Coach. Got a minute?
Coach Mellor: Kind of busy, female Goldberg. I'm inventing a new hybrid sport. Either, uh, baseball fencing or water-polo squash.
Erica: You can't play squash under water. People need to breathe.
Coach Mellor: Need to breathe. (sighs) That makes sense. "Need to breathe".

Quote from Barry

Barry: I need you to teach me everything about chemistry so I can get an "A."
Naked Rob: Are you sure you want to join us, bro?
Andy: Yeah, you tend to just sort of peter out, insult us, and then leave us high and dry.
Barry: Not this time, my tiny friend I can fit in my pocket! I have enough anger in me to last for at least three days.

Quote from Andy

Murray: Well, look at you guys studying.
Barry: Just tutoring my boys. They're having a hard time keeping up.
Murray: Keeping up with you? Turns out science just kind of clicks when I try.
Andy: Barry's even read four chapters ahead for fun.
Geoff: That's right. He knows stuff we can't even begin to comprehend.
Andy: Until we read that far into the book.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Thanks to you telling me about Mom's awful plan to keep me here to love me forever.
Murray: You're really showing her. Uh, just maybe you keep your rage-learning between us.
Barry: But what's the point of knowledge if you don't use it to destroy your mother?
Murray: You know what would really stick it to her? If you tell her after you got into college.
Barry: (laughs) Yeah. Imagine how miserable she'll be when I go off to Harvard.

Quote from Erica

Erica: Do you know how hard it was for me to be Frizzica? I used to eat lunch in the bathroom stalls. I'd take the back hallways to avoid boys. I even spent Saturday nights at home watching the news with Dad.
Adam: He yells so much at the news.
Erica: It's like he thinks they can hear him.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Thanks to my newfound love of sciences, I've officially decided what to do with my life. I shall be a doctor.
Beverly: (gasps)
Barry: I give you the JTP.
All: JTP!
Barry: Not the Jenkintown Posse. I'm talkin' about the Jenkintown Practice, an all-in-one medical facility where I'll be C.E.O. and lead surgeon.
Geoff: I'm the in-house ophthalmologist.
Andy: I'm the foot doc, y'all!
Naked Rob: And I'ma play drums in the waiting room.
Beverly: I cannot believe what I'm hearing!

Quote from Erica

Erica: Hands off the dork.
Johnny Atkins: Or what?
Erica: I sit behind you in Spanish. Next siesta you take in class, snip-snip, you lose the ponytail.
Johnny Atkins: But that's where my soul resides.

Quote from Barry

Beverly: Sorry to interrupt. I just came to get my mug.
Barry: Wait, Mom. [climbing on a table] O Captain! My Captain!
Coach Mellor: Sit down, Mr. Goldberg.
Barry: On behalf of me and the rest of the Jenkintown Practice, thank you for believing in us. And in me.
Coach Mellor: I said sit down, Mr. Goldberg.
Naked Rob: O Captain! My Captain!
Andy: O Captain! My Captain!
Geoff: O Captain! My Captain!
Coach Mellor: What'd I say about standing on the desks? Everybody down.

Quote from Mr. Glascott

Mr. Glascott: And that is how you perform CPR on a man. Whoa, Mr. Goldberg, what is that you have there? Is that another note?
Adam: What? You just-
Mr. Glascott: You know the rule. If you get caught with a note, you have to stand up and read it out loud so that everybody can hear it.
Adam: "Hey, Adam. Who's your favorite teacher? I know mine's old Glascott. He's hip like us. Dude just gets it. Did you know he's in a funk fusion band called Funk and Games? I heard he's playing at the farmer's market this weekend." I can't read any more. I'm just gonna eat it.
Mr. Glascott: You can't eat paper! It'll plug you up!

Quote from Barry

Beverly: Name three types of inert gases.
Barry: Easy. There's regular, unleaded, and farts?
Beverly: Farts?
Barry: Farts.
Beverly: The answer is not farts!
Barry: How is fart not a gas?!


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