Mr. Glascott: Okay, everyone, welcome to "The Day After" emergency assembly. First of all, I just want to assure you that everything is gonna be okay.
Coach Mellor: It will not be okay! There's nowhere to hide in a nuclear winter!
Mr. Glascott: Whoa. (chuckles) What Coach means is that there could be a nuclear winter, but it definitely won't happen.
Coach Mellor: Till it does.
Mr. Glascott: Does not, because it was just a movie.
Coach Mellor: That will, for sure, come true.
Mr. Glascott: Look, I know a lot of you are scared that the President is gonna snap, push a button, and incinerate us all, but I assure you, it will not happen.
Coach Mellor: When it does, I'll be safe and snug in my fallout shelter while the rest of you mutants scrounge for cockroaches.

Coach Mellor: What, you got no argument for that one?
Mr. Glascott: No, you're right. That movie has shaken me to my core. I have so many regrets.
Coach Mellor: You got about a week to fix 'em, Andre.
Mr. Glascott: Well, let's start with that one right there. My name is not Andre. I only said it was in college to make myself seem more interesting to the ladies.
Coach Mellor: Let it out.
Mr. Glascott: My name is Jonathan. And I love you, Lunch Lady Bernice! Are you out there? You're probably mashing potatoes.

Murray: I told you you're not building a dopey bunker in the basement.
Barry: Thank you for keeping an open mind. I will also need money for the following items. "700 pounds of poured concrete, lifetime supply of potatoes, seven bottles of ketchup for the potatoes"
Murray: There's one in the fridge. Just take that and go.
Barry: There's more. We need, "a chicken, a cage for the chicken, medicine for the chicken, a chicken exercise-wheel, a lady chicken to keep the other chicken company."
Murray: Please stop asking me to build a life for this chicken!

Barry: I know you're all worried about a nuclear apocalypse after seeing that scary movie on TV, but I want you to know everything will be okay. I call it Barry's Bunker. Sadly, there's limited room in the bunker, so some of you will be left outside to melt or be eaten by post-apocalyptic zombies.
Lainey: So, who goes and who stays?
Barry: Obviously, you're in, 'cause you're my foxy lady, but the rest of you much prove your worth. Geoff Schwartz, what skills do you have?
Geoff: I know which berries are poisonous, 'cause I once ate some bad ones.
Barry: Super useful. Next, Naked Rob. What skills do you have? And don't say "being naked."
Naked Rob: Come back to me.
Barry: Andy, clearly you're in, 'cause you have tiny little fingers that are perfect for shelling nuts. Plus, you can sleep in a drawer.
Andy: Very insulted, but it's more important to live.
Barry: Matt Bradley, looks like you're in serious trouble here.
Matt: I was an Eagle Scout and a lifeguard, and I learned how to frame a house when I did Habitat for Humanity.
Barry: Fine, I guess you could cook or something.

Barry: Don't worry, guys. We won't have to deal with this joker when we're in our titanium-reinforced bunker.
Murray: You do know I raised myself since I was six, so if there's an end-of-the-world situation, you'd want me there real bad.
Barry: Yelling at a sandwich for having too much mustard on it is not a skill.
Murray: Well, I can repair a radio, rebuild an engine, swing a hammer, catch a fish, start a fire with small sticks. What can you do?
Barry: I can basically do anything. I can break-dance, kick a light switch on and off, use a hockey stick as an old-timey cane.
Lainey: Sweetie, those aren't really survival skills as much as they are adorable things I love about you.
Barry: Whatever. I'm your leader. That's my skill.

Geoff: It kind of seems like your dad's our leader, 'cause he's the oldest and wisest and actually knows how to survive.
Andy: It's settled. Your dad will keep us safe when the mutant zombies attack.
Murray: Okay.

Pops: Did he say yes to the bunker?
Murray: I said no!
Pops: Did you tell him about the chicken?
Murray: I don't wanna hear about the chicken!
Pops: The chicken's the whole thing!
Murray: He doesn't care about the chicken!
Pops: Murray, just buy the boy a chicken.
Murray: No chicken!

Beverly: Oh, look at my special calendar hanging in a high-traffic area. How'd that get there?
Adam: That's odd. Didn't notice.
Beverly: You wanna take a peek, see if there's any special day in May that you need to remember?
Erica: Nah, I got Cinco de Mayo on lock.
Barry: I think she's talking about French Labor Day.
Adam: No, it's "Star Wars" Day! May the 4th be with you, right?
Erica: How could I forget.
Barry: That's right. I gotta go shopping.
Erica: I love "Star Wars" Day.

Murray: What are you dummies going on about?
Matt: Tonight, they're airing a gnarly made-for-TV movie called "The Day After," where America's in a nuclear war with Russia.
Geoff: Ka-boom!
Andy: America!
Naked Rob: Jason Robards, y'all!
Barry: All of the teachers at school warned us not to see it, so we have to watch it to send a clear message of "Suck it."

Murray: If I say yes, will you shut up?
Barry: This is gonna rock!
Adult Adam: [v.o.] But it did not rock. Not at all.
Barry: This does not rock. Not at all.