Adult Adam: [v.o.] While Barry wasn't excited about seeing Geoff's new look, my dad wasn't excited about seeing Bill and Dolores' new love.
Murray: You two know we're here also, right?
Bill Lewis: Sorry, Mur. It's been years since I've enjoyed the female touch. Other than my lady podiatrist. But you can't go to the foot doctor every week. Believe me, I've tried.
Beverly: Well, no need to apologize, Bill. I think it's sweet how in love the two of you are.
Bill Lewis: Thanks, Bev. Now if I'm hit with a crushing wave of loneliness, I know it's for a deeper, more unfixable reason.

Bill Lewis: Mur, you've barely touched your third helping of tater bombs. What's wrong?
Murray: If you had something going on, you'd tell me about it, right?
Bill Lewis: Depends. Is there anybody else in the world?
Murray: I'm being serious.
Bill Lewis: Mur, I love you like a tick loves a hound, but a listener you are not.
Murray: There are things you haven't told me?
Bill Lewis: So many.
Murray: Like what?
Bill Lewis: I hold two boomerang world records. I was an Admiral in the Coast Guard. Last year, I found a third nipple on my shoulder. I love birds. They can fly! That's God's best magic trick.

Barry: Dad, hurry, it's almost kickoff! [sighs] Maybe I should have tried out.
Bill Lewis: Probably for the best. I've had a headache for 36 years.
Vic: Oh, [scoffs] that's nothin'. I can turn this foot all the way around like an owl's head.
Bill Lewis: I got hit so hard on a crossing route, I was legally dead for 3 minutes.
Vic: Try 5. I saw my granny on a cloud. She told me to rub some dirt on it and then go block somebody.
Bill Lewis: I took a helmet to the stomach so hard, I no longer have a belly button.
Vic: I don't have any toes.
Bill Lewis: This isn't baldness. I got the hair tackled right off of my head. [Vic gasps]
Barry: Why do they let anyone play this game?
Bill Lewis: 'Cause it's the best.
Vic: So many good memories. I love it.

Virginia Kremp: Surprise! It's a new Laura Ashley recliner!
Bill Lewis: It's a real beauty. Test drove it myself. Bill Lewis certified! Huh? [laughs]
Beverly: You get that piece of [bleep] out of my house, you [bleep] monsters!
Bill Lewis: I told you to get it in blue. My name is on the line here.
Virginia Kremp: Okay. Well, we thought because you gave away Murray's chair...
Beverly: My husband's chair had a name, Ginzy. Mr. Chair!
Bill Lewis: I was there when he named it. He had no passion for creativity.

Virginia Kremp: And I've held my tongue long enough, but I would never join a friend group that included Bill Lewis.
Bill Lewis: Oh, here we go. Let the crazy lady say her crazy words.
Virginia Kremp: The only thing crazy was the tile work you did in my powder room.
Bill Lewis: I tried to talk you out of that faux limestone, but someone puts way too much of a premium on slip-resistance.
Mr. Glascott: Is it possible to start a correspondence friends group where we all keep in touch by writing letters?
Bill Lewis: And I know it was you that complained to the Homeowners' Association about my garden gnomes.

Bill Lewis: Hell, no! Why would I ever do video dating? I'm living the dream.
Lainey: It's 2:00 in the afternoon, and you're still in your robe.
Bill Lewis: So? A robe is just a long jacket made of towel. Lots of people wear these.
Lainey: Not to other people's homes.
Murray: In this house, we keep it loose.

Bill Lewis: Ohh, my back!
Murray: Don't worry, pal. I gotcha.
Bill Lewis: No, no, Bruce Lee style. Hyah! Hyah!
Murray: Hoo-hyah!
Bill Lewis: Beverly, I'm gonna need a warm towel. Oh, it's traveling! It's moving south! Aah!
Beverly: Good luck, Schmoops.
Bill Lewis: Get the small boy. Have the small boy stand on me.

Bill Lewis: Sad story, Bev. But not as sad as the Thanksgiving when Lainey's mommy left.
Lainey: Which isn't important, 'cause it's not a competition.
Bill Lewis: No, it isn't. So it doesn't matter that I tell you that year I was too depressed to cook. Little Lainey looked up at me and said, "Why no twurkey, Dada?" [Normal voice] In that moment, I vowed that I would always fry her a turkey.
Lainey: Okay, now you're both just competing over whose life is sadder.

Bill Lewis: What the hell just happened?! She was supposed to scare 'em off with an open house, and now we're eating in another state!
Murray: I'll tell you what just happened. Our moron kids are brilliant. They used the baby card against us.
Bill Lewis: I hate the baby card. Also, what's the baby card? I'm so scared and upset, Murray!

Beverly: Yoo-hoo! Look at all this adorable stuff I've had hermetically sealed in the garage. You're gonna need this, for sure. It's Barry's baby helmet. Yay!
Bill Lewis: Great. Not only are we having a baby, but its head's gonna be all cattywampus. Cheese and crackers.