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30Quotes from ‘I Heart Video Dating’

The Goldbergs: I Heart Video Dating

402. I Heart Video Dating

Aired September 28, 2016

To distract herself from pining for Geoff, Erica decides to play matchmaker to Lainey's dad, Bill. Meanwhile, Barry sets his sights on becoming a gym teacher.

Quote from Adam

Adam: I see it now. We open on a time portal as Mr. Lewis' cold, naked body spills to the Earth. He rises from the smoke like a Love Terminator.
Erica: Yeah, no nudity or time travel. Just make Mr. Lewis look cool. You know, macho.
Adam: We're making a picture! An Adam F. Goldberg joint.
Erica: What's with the "F"?
Adam: There's another Adam Goldberg at school. He's super-sensitive. I don't want to cause any marketplace confusion.
Erica: Don't worry about it. No one cares about either of you.

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Quote from Beverly

Lainey: Dad, it's been four years since Mom left. Isn't it time you got set up with someone?
Beverly: Set up? Did somebody say "set up"? Who am I setting up?
Erica: No, stop. We don't need your help. Bill's gonna do video dating.
Beverly: Video dating? [chuckles] [robotic voice] Beep, boop, bop, zorp. Beep, boop, bop. I will find you love.
Erica: Sorry, but, uh, your way of matchmaking is a thing of the past.
Beverly: [normal voice] Please. I am literally responsible for setting up over 200 couples, which means I'm personally responsible for over 62,000 babies.
Erica: Yeah, that's not real math.

Quote from Adam

Adam: Hey, what are you doing?
Erica: Destroying this and starting over.
Adam: But I gave you exactly what you asked for macho. Your dad was a shirtless cowboy, a sweaty cop, a leather-clad biker. Oh, I see it now.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Barry: No, I'm serious. I want to teach gym, sir.
Coach Mellor: My God. It's finally happening. I'm gonna be a mentor.
Barry: Are you crying?
Coach Mellor: My eyes are just celebrating.

Quote from Erica

John Calabasas: Excuse me, ladies. How would you like to meet the man of your dreams?
Lainey: Ew.
Erica: You're really old.
John Calabasas: Ouch. [chuckles] But, no, I'm talking about the romantic wave of the future Video dating. It's a real business. Using our advanced VHS technology and a one-time fee of $399, followed by lifetime monthly fees of only $19.99, anyone can now find love. So, which of you lonely hearts is looking for Mr.
Right?
Lainey: Well, I'm not, but [clears throat]
Erica: I am not a sad-sack loser. I choose to be alone, and it's the best.
John Calabasas: It is the best, isn't it? [chuckles] Well, that's too bad because for a limited time, anyone that joins the VD community gets a free tote bag for just $12.99.
Erica: I am not carrying around a bag that says, "I heart VD." My God.

Quote from Bill Lewis

Bill Lewis: Hell, no! Why would I ever do video dating? I'm living the dream.
Lainey: It's 2:00 in the afternoon, and you're still in your robe.
Bill Lewis: So? A robe is just a long jacket made of towel. Lots of people wear these.
Lainey: Not to other people's homes.
Murray: In this house, we keep it loose.

Quote from Murray

Erica: Hey, my record is not spotty. And I'm, like, the best ever at love.
Lainey: Yeah, not so much. And when you think about it, you've only had one boyfriend, and that was two years ago.
Murray: Right, Dante. What a character.
Erica: His name wasn't Dante.
Murray: He had that small hand.
Erica: Who are you thinking of?

Quote from Bill Lewis

Bill Lewis: Ohh, my back!
Murray: Don't worry, pal. I gotcha.
Bill Lewis: No, no, Bruce Lee style. Hyah! Hyah!
Murray: Hoo-hyah!
Bill Lewis: Beverly, I'm gonna need a warm towel. Oh, it's traveling! It's moving south! Aah!
Beverly: Good luck, Schmoops.
Bill Lewis: Get the small boy. Have the small boy stand on me.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Done! Now all I got to do is sit back and let this test decide my entire future.
Naked Rob: Got any predictions?
Barry: It'll either make me an NFL punter, motorcycle detective, or land pirate.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Bookkeeper? I don't want to be a librarian.
Murray: Bookkeeper's not a librarian, you moron. It's more like an accountant.
Barry: Why didn't I get an awesome job like boat owner or rap mogul or neighborhood oracle?
Murray: What the hell's an oracle?
Barry: A guy who sees the future.
Murray: I can see your future. You're mowing lawns for the city.
Barry: Never! I will be a rich neighborhood oracle, and nothing you say can stop me.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Coach, I want to be your athletic apprentice so that one day I can take your place when you climb that big rope into the sky.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Coach Mellor: Here. Take this. Training begins now.
Barry: [Air blows] Damn it, I broke it. Why do I have such powerful lungs?
Coach Mellor: No, it's a training whistle. You'll get the tiny, little ball that makes it work when you're ready.
Barry: When will that be?
Coach Mellor: Coach will know. Now let the physical education education begin. First up, drink this mix of celery and cod. Glug hard, boy. Glug hard.

Quote from Barry

Barry: In fact, I'm gonna go grab some shut-eye.
Pops: It's 6:30.
Barry: I'm waking up at dawn. Me and Coach are going on a 12-mile jog, then we're powering down a classic English breakfast.
Pops: Why?
Barry: He likes to start each morning with 5,000 to 6,000 calories. Bangers and mash, kippers, kidneys, boiled and fried potatoes, black and white pudding, three kinds of meats. His mom's British.
Pops: Seems like a lot.
Barry: She's a handful, but I like her. [chuckles] Anyway, off to bed.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Hey, guys, I really need your help. Each of you grab a leg and push. I ate nine bananas, but I'm still cramping up something nasty.
Murray: Damn it, you ate all my bananas?
Barry: I'm in real athletic pain.
Murray: Sit, Al. Nobody is touching those legs in those tiny shorts.
Barry: These are official coaching bottoms. Sure, they cinch up the bathing-suit area, but Coach says I'll eventually reach a healthy level of crotchular numbness.
Pops: For the love of God, take 'em off. You'll never have kids.
Barry: Gym teachers don't have kids. Their kids are the students they teach.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Coach Mellor: Seems to me you're implying that being a gym coach isn't good enough.
Murray: No, I think what you do is amazing. Just not for my son. You've seen your life. You get it.
Coach Mellor: Well, he may be your son, but he's my gym son.
Murray: That's not a thing.
Coach Mellor: Oh, it is.
Murray: There's no such thing.
Coach Mellor: There's no greater bond in the world than between a coach and his boy protege.
Murray: I think except for the bond between a dad and his actual boy.
Coach Mellor: Well, may the best father win.
Murray: Well, that's me. I'm his father.
Coach Mellor: And I'm his coach-father.
Murray: We're done here.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Show me some hustle! [whistle blows] Second place is the first place of losers. "Winning" spelled backwards is "gninniw." It's never okay to put butter on a doughnut! Champions are losers who forgot to give up! Sweat is the body's tears crying away the weakness! [whistle blows]

Quote from Coach Mellor

Coach Mellor: Damn you, Goldbergs. [voice breaking] You always know how to hit me in my biggest muscle. My heart. [sighs] Although my my biceps are nuts, huh?

Quote from Barry

Barry: But perhaps I can help. Come, my child. I see a beautiful, bubbly blonde. She loves shorts and the beach.
Bill Lewis: Oh, yeah, I like where this is going.
Barry: And she has a friend.
Bill Lewis: There's two girls?
Barry: Yes, three is company.
Bill Lewis: Hot damn. When do I get to meet 'em?
Barry: All you got to do is knock on their door.
Bill Lewis: I do?
Barry: They've been waiting for you.
Erica: It's "Three's Company," Bill. It's a popular TV show. He forgets what he watches, and he thinks it's the future.


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