Previous Episode Next Episode 
I Heart Video Dating

‘I Heart Video Dating’

Season 4, Episode 2 -  Aired September 28, 2016

To distract herself from pining for Geoff, Erica decides to play matchmaker to Lainey's dad, Bill. Meanwhile, Barry sets his sights on becoming a gym teacher.

Quote from Adam

Adam: I see it now. We open on a time portal as Mr. Lewis' cold, naked body spills to the Earth. He rises from the smoke like a Love Terminator.
Erica: Yeah, no nudity or time travel. Just make Mr. Lewis look cool. You know, macho.
Adam: We're making a picture! An Adam F. Goldberg joint.
Erica: What's with the "F"?
Adam: There's another Adam Goldberg at school. He's super-sensitive. I don't want to cause any marketplace confusion.
Erica: Don't worry about it. No one cares about either of you.


Quote from Beverly

Lainey: Dad, it's been four years since Mom left. Isn't it time you got set up with someone?
Beverly: Set up? Did somebody say "set up"? Who am I setting up?
Erica: No, stop. We don't need your help. Bill's gonna do video dating.
Beverly: Video dating? [chuckles] [robotic voice] Beep, boop, bop, zorp. Beep, boop, bop. I will find you love.
Erica: Sorry, but, uh, your way of matchmaking is a thing of the past.
Beverly: [normal voice] Please. I am literally responsible for setting up over 200 couples, which means I'm personally responsible for over 62,000 babies.
Erica: Yeah, that's not real math.

Quote from Adam

Adam: Hey, what are you doing?
Erica: Destroying this and starting over.
Adam: But I gave you exactly what you asked for: macho. Your dad was a shirtless cowboy, a sweaty cop, a leather-clad biker. Oh, I see it now.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Barry: No, I'm serious. I want to teach gym, sir.
Coach Mellor: My God. It's finally happening. I'm gonna be a mentor.
Barry: Are you crying?
Coach Mellor: My eyes are just celebrating.

Quote from Erica

John Calabasas: Excuse me, ladies. How would you like to meet the man of your dreams?
Lainey: Ew.
Erica: You're really old.
John Calabasas: Ouch. [chuckles] But, no, I'm talking about the romantic wave of the future Video dating. It's a real business. Using our advanced VHS technology and a one-time fee of $399, followed by lifetime monthly fees of only $19.99, anyone can now find love. So, which of you lonely hearts is looking for Mr.
Lainey: Well, I'm not, but [clears throat]
Erica: I am not a sad-sack loser. I choose to be alone, and it's the best.
John Calabasas: It is the best, isn't it? [chuckles] Well, that's too bad because for a limited time, anyone that joins the VD community gets a free tote bag for just $12.99.
Erica: I am not carrying around a bag that says, "I heart VD." My God.

Quote from Bill Lewis

Bill Lewis: Hell, no! Why would I ever do video dating? I'm living the dream.
Lainey: It's 2:00 in the afternoon, and you're still in your robe.
Bill Lewis: So? A robe is just a long jacket made of towel. Lots of people wear these.
Lainey: Not to other people's homes.
Murray: In this house, we keep it loose.

Quote from Murray

Erica: Hey, my record is not spotty. And I'm, like, the best ever at love.
Lainey: Yeah, not so much. And when you think about it, you've only had one boyfriend, and that was two years ago.
Murray: Right, Dante. What a character.
Erica: His name wasn't Dante.
Murray: He had that small hand.
Erica: Who are you thinking of?

Quote from Bill Lewis

Bill Lewis: Ohh, my back!
Murray: Don't worry, pal. I gotcha.
Bill Lewis: No, no, Bruce Lee style. Hyah! Hyah!
Murray: Hoo-hyah!
Bill Lewis: Beverly, I'm gonna need a warm towel. Oh, it's traveling! It's moving south! Aah!
Beverly: Good luck, Schmoops.
Bill Lewis: Get the small boy. Have the small boy stand on me.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Done! Now all I got to do is sit back and let this test decide my entire future.
Naked Rob: Got any predictions?
Barry: It'll either make me an NFL punter, motorcycle detective, or land pirate.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Bookkeeper? I don't want to be a librarian.
Murray: Bookkeeper's not a librarian, you moron. It's more like an accountant.
Barry: Why didn't I get an awesome job like boat owner or rap mogul or neighborhood oracle?
Murray: What the hell's an oracle?
Barry: A guy who sees the future.
Murray: I can see your future. You're mowing lawns for the city.
Barry: Never! I will be a rich neighborhood oracle, and nothing you say can stop me.

Page 2