Erica: Why are you so desperate to keep Carmen around?
Beverly: My tiny boy can't date New York City women. They wear high heels in the boardroom and the bedroom.
Erica: They really don't.
Beverly: Always dressed in black, with their bagels and progressive ideas about how suburban moms shouldn't cut in the bathroom line at a Broadway show.
Erica: Okay, I think I got enough. Good luck messing up Adam's love life. Bye, crazy lady.

Barry: Now, how does one make friends?
Joanne: I guess you could make a list of the things you like and find people who share those interests.
Barry: Like the Asian battle arts.
Joanne: As a very early starting point that you ultimately realize was a misstep, sure.
Barry: [sighs] Damn it. That would never work. My natural instincts would kick in, and I would destroy any potential bestie with my elbows and feet.
Joanne: Here's an idea. Don't hurt anyone.
Barry: Or maybe this unnamed stranger would respect me more because, despite all we share, I wasn't afraid to pummel him to the edge of death.
Joanne: I don't feel like I'm helping.
Barry: And yet, you have. Here I go, off to brutalize my new best friends!

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Meanwhile, my mom was busy entertaining pals at afternoon tea.
Mr. Glascott: Isn't tea time nice? And who doesn't love tiny sandwiches? [chuckles] I feel like Andre the Giant. Such a strong and impressive man with many health issues. The heart struggles to pump blood through a body that large.
Virginia Kremp: So, is it just us and John today?
Beverly: I'm afraid so.

Beverly: This is insane. I've never overstepped in his romantic life.
Mr. Glascott: Uh...
Beverly: If anything, I've made his relationships better.
Mr. Glascott: [higher-pitched] Uh...
Beverly: Instead of yelling at me, he should be drowning me in kisses.
Mr. Glascott: [higher-pitched] Uh...
Beverly: Alright. Enough with the musical scale. Just use your words.
Mr. Glascott: Even as the most casual observer of young Adam's dating life, you've been... How do I put this gently?
Virginia Kremp: A love-squeezing anaconda snuffing out his last breath of happiness?
Mr. Glascott: I was in the area of a bulldozer of carnage driven by Satan in a hard hat. It's playful and evocative.

Beverly: Well, aren't you both clever. In fact, why don't you wrap up your [bleep] little sandwiches and get the [bleep] out?
Mr. Glascott: This can't be a surprise to you. You have been despicable to Jackie and Dana and, more recently, Brea Bee.
Beverly: Don't you seem to have quite the instant recall on Adam's former flames.
Mr. Glascott: As the William Penn guidance counselor, I find it essential to obsessively follow the romantic comings and goings of every student.
Virginia Kremp: So, that's actually far more disturbing than Beverly's dumb thing.

Joanne: Hey, babe. How was the friend hunt?
Barry: Really bad. Who knew finding another person to immediately trust, respect, and connect with was so hard?
Joanne: Maybe everyone?
Barry: Luckily, I found someone who'll always be there for me. Oh, no. I'm out of butterscotch drizzle corn! What can't go wrong today?
Joanne: Did you eat that whole tub?
Barry: I'm so alone.
Joanne: That was full when I left this morning.
Barry: Why has God forsaken me with only good looks and intelligence?
Joanne: That's like three gallons of sugar and salt.

Joanne: Stop! You have more friends than you know.
Barry: Despite our great rapport, my relationship with the annoyed woman at Foot Locker was purely transactional. Plus, it could never work. I have a natural inclination to yell at referees.
Joanne: No! Remember when you were secretly watching sports and weirdly holding hands with Bill Lewis?
Barry: I have a rich and varied life filled with bizarre adventures.
Joanne: And remember when Mrs. Kremp put you in the floral fridge and now you have coffee sometimes?
Barry: Again, my exploits are renowned for their offbeat and fantastical nature.
Joanne: And don't you constantly go to Mr. Glascott for advice so personal that he cries and begs you to stop?
Barry: Yeah, but he's the neighborhood's guidance counselor.
Joanne: He's not, mostly because that's not a thing. He's just your friend.
Barry: I have friends? I have friends. I... have... friends!
Joanne: Now you can relax and bring the JTP back into your life.
Barry: Or I have the perfect crew to throw in their dumb faces!

Mr. Glascott: Flattered as I am, I don't know if I can commit to a friend group. I prefer to bask in the glow of one mon ami at a time.

Virginia Kremp: And I've held my tongue long enough, but I would never join a friend group that included Bill Lewis.
Bill Lewis: Oh, here we go. Let the crazy lady say her crazy words.
Virginia Kremp: The only thing crazy was the tile work you did in my powder room.
Bill Lewis: I tried to talk you out of that faux limestone, but someone puts way too much of a premium on slip-resistance.
Mr. Glascott: Is it possible to start a correspondence friends group where we all keep in touch by writing letters?
Bill Lewis: And I know it was you that complained to the Homeowners' Association about my garden gnomes.

Barry: "GALS"? What the hell? Where are all the E's?
Andy: Matt was supposed to bring them.
Naked Rob: Yeah, but when Matt couldn't make it, Geoff was supposed to do it.
Geoff: I brought the seat pads so that we could sit on something soft and pillowy.
Naked Rob: No one asked you to do that.
Geoff: Oh, I'm sorry, now I'm the bad guy because I care about my friends' bottom comfort?