Beverly: Every Goldberg child must learn to fend for himself.
Barry: The world's job is to bend and often break to my will.
Erica: You have to take what's yours, and also what's not.
Beverly: It's time to teach my coddled baby not to be a pushover.
Pops: Or we could all just leave the gentle, kind-hearted child alone.
Beverly: No! Here are some phrases you'll need. "I'd like to speak to your manager," "The sign says 'closed', but the light is on," and, "You can't prove this wasn't on the sale rack."
Adam: Those seem pretty horrible.
Beverly: Now you're getting it!
Barry: And don't be afraid to use the environment around you. Stomp, toss stuff, knock things over.
Erica: I like to swing my emotions around. One moment, I'm gently pleading. The next, I'm on the ground crying and kicking security.

Bill Lewis: Mur, you've barely touched your third helping of tater bombs. What's wrong?
Murray: If you had something going on, you'd tell me about it, right?
Bill Lewis: Depends. Is there anybody else in the world?
Murray: I'm being serious.
Bill Lewis: Mur, I love you like a tick loves a hound, but a listener you are not.
Murray: There are things you haven't told me?
Bill Lewis: So many.
Murray: Like what?
Bill Lewis: I hold two boomerang world records. I was an Admiral in the Coast Guard. Last year, I found a third nipple on my shoulder. I love birds. They can fly! That's God's best magic trick.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Back in the '80s, I loved The Greatest American Hero, in which an encounter with aliens causes school teacher Ralph Hinkley to reluctantly lead a double life.
Adam: What a perfectly realized premise! Of all the people to get superpowers, a mild-mannered guy!
Pops: Maybe his ordinariness is his superpower.
Adam: Either way, these are definitely questions the show wants us to be asking.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Unfortunately, I hadn't inherited my mom's superpower of being super-pushy.
Adam: I wanted to rent Lethal Weapon, but you accidentally gave me Lethal Seduction.
Clerk: Welcome to adulthood.
Adam: I was hoping I could get a refund?
Clerk: No.
Adam: Okey-doke.
Erica: Unacceptable!
Barry: Everyone's in trouble!

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Erica and Barry, on the other hand, welcomed all kinds of conflict.
Barry: This is what's gonna happen. We're getting 10 free rentals.
Adam: And that life-size cardboard cutout of offbeat hunk Judd Nelson.
Barry: You know what? Make it two Judd Nelsons and... all the Haagen-Dazs in the freezer.
Clerk: I can't do that.
Barry: [on the phone] Mr. West Coast Video? You're about to be super upset!
Clerk: Fine. If you just leave, you can have everything.
Erica: Adam, grab our Judds.
Adam: Sorry, Nolan. For your trouble.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Yep, unlike my siblings, the last thing I wanted was any confrontation.
Dave Kim: Oh, man! Lasagna. Even more delicious layers than a Nora Ephron script.

Brea: I love lasagna. Adam, what did you get? Is that a charred baseball glove?
Dave Kim: That was left on a desert highway where it was pummeled by a convoy?
Adam: I get it! My lasagna doesn't look like yours.
Barry: Mmm! Beefy goodness.
Erica: Golden perfection.
Adam: Good for you! And why are you guys even here?
Barry: I don't have class on Tuesdays, so I come here for Jenkintown's best kept secret: high school lasagna.
Erica: I do have class on Tuesdays, but for the first time ever, Barry is correct.
Beverly: What the hell's this?
Brea: Adam, why is most of your family here?
Beverly: I am the Quaker Warden. It's a ceremonial position with unlimited power. For example, my fully grown children are able to come here and eat whatever they want.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] As my dad realized Vic was a mystery to him, I had no clue what my mom was about to hit me with.
Beverly: Adam, I'm concerned.
Adam: Gah! My body's bigger, so I need longer showers! It's just math.

Beverly: I have failed you. You are a sweet, kind, patient boy, and I have no one but myself to blame.
Adam: What are you saying?
Pops: I think your mom's implying you're a doormat.
Beverly: Ding-ding-ding! After your sad lasagna incident, I realized I'm not always gonna be there to fight your fights for you. There's gonna be hours, sometimes entire afternoons where you're all alone.
Adam: We have very different visions of my future.

Beverly: Practice scenario. You're in a clothing store, and Barry is the owner.
Barry: Not clothing. It's a BMX store owned by my character, Spokes Driscoll, but my real dream is to overcome the issues that got me kicked off the circuit.
Adam: You're gonna give him that long of a creative leash?
Beverly: It adds color. Now, you are returning a BMX-icle that you've used for six years, and you want a full refund. Go.
Adam: Ugh! Fine. Excuse me. Mr. Driscoll?
Barry: Name's Spokes. And we're closed.
Adam: Well, when are you open?
Barry: For one second a day.
Adam: What? That just seems like a bad business plan!
Barry: No one criticizes Spokes Driscoll's business acumen! Do you even know who I am?
Adam: A loose cannon named Spokes Driscoll?
Barry: He got it in one.