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45Quotes from ‘Sixteen Candles’

The Goldbergs: Sixteen Candles

601. Sixteen Candles

Aired September 26, 2018

As Beverly tries to put a stop to Barry and Lainey's plan to get married, she comes on board when they dangle the prospect of grandchildren in front of her. Meanwhile, Murray is fed up of Erica mooching off him. In all the hubbub, they forget about Adam's sixteenth birthday.

Quote from Murray

Beverly: You are not getting married to Lainey Lewis. You are a high-school senior and a tiny boy.
Murray: And you need a job! First, you drop out of college to be a rock star? Now you're back here driving up my electric bill!
Beverly: You will get married over my dead body. And shame on you for not even consulting your one true lady love of your life, which is me.
Murray: And look at you. Using my stove and my light bulbs like you're some sort of Norwegian royalty.
Beverly: You can't be a husband. You are still my baby Barry.
Murray: Those beautiful blond bastards! They did nothing to help us during the war.
Beverly: Murray, stop. You're on a bad tangent. Just focus on how she's breaking our hearts.

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Quote from Bill Lewis

Murray: Hey, Billy boy. Here to yell at the kids?
Bill Lewis: Bingo! Hope it's okay, but I've written some really terrible things to say to Barry in order to scare him off.
Murray: You did some homework. Good on you.
Bill Lewis: Yeah. Full disclosure: I attack his physical appearance in a very un-Christian way. I mean, it's no way for an adult to speak to a child.
Murray: Hey, go big or go home, right?
Beverly: Wrong! All of our anger, guilt, and emotional terror only makes the kids dig in deeper. We have to rethink our tactics.
Bill Lewis: With your blessing, I am willing to fistfight your son.

Quote from Beverly

Barry: We can live in some tiny, shark-tankless apartment, for all I care. As long as it's me, Lainey, and our four snuggly little kids.
Beverly: Okay, there is no way I'm gonna let- Oh, my God. Did you say kids?
Lainey: Can you imagine all those cute little Barrys running around? Aww.
Barry: Aww.
Beverly: Aww.
Lainey: Why is she aww-ing with us?
Barry: I don't know.
Beverly: Little Barrys. Oh, with the curly hair and the squishy, husky baby body and the not being able to ride the bus to camp 'cause you're so emotionally out of control. [gasps] Ah!

Quote from Dave Kim

Dave Kim: We're gonna relive all of the classic "Sixteen Candles" party moments.
Emmy Mirsky: Like what?
Dave Kim: I'm talking beer-can pyramid. Pizza on the record player. Irreparable house damage! Somehow, foam gets in your vents. Toilet paper trees. And, obviously, a dweeb will be imprisoned in your glass coffee table.
Adam: But what about Long Duk Dong?
Dave Kim: No! There will be no discussion of the Donger.
Adam: I'm trying to-
Dave Kim: Say he's hilarious? Well, he's not.
Adam: Get off your totally warranted soapbox, Dave Kim. I'm trying to say I'm in.

Quote from Murray

Lainey: Barry, please. I'm done talking.
Barry: Well, then, just listen, 'cause my dad has something he wants to say.
Lainey: If you're here to call us morons for getting married, there's no need, 'cause it's not gonna happen.
Murray: You really think I'm gonna walk through the sand with my bad foot just to call you a moron? Look, if you really love each other, there's nothing you can't survive.
Lainey: Even the world's worst smother-in-law?
Murray: Yes. Because at the end of the day, I know Beverly Goldberg can stay away when it really matters. And I know it's scary to think of her on your back, but that also means that she has your back. And trust me, there's no better feeling.
Lainey: I thought you wanted us to break up. Why are you trying to help?
Murray: Because that's what families do, and like it or not, you're always gonna be family.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Look, I know I got carried away. It's just... All my babies grew up and don't need me anymore. But you made me realize it's not fully over. I- I still have a whole new chapter left, one day.
Lainey: Well, when it does happen, I hope you're there with me.
Beverly: On a mom cot?
Barry: Mom!
Murray: Bevy.
Lainey: We'll figure it out. We have time.
Beverly: You'd think, but it just goes so fast. And it seems like only yesterday I was in the hospital holding my little Adam in my arms for the first time and... Holy crap! We forgot his birthday! We forgot Adam's birthday!
Murray: This is gonna be a whole thing.
Beverly: Go, go, go!

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Oh, Adam, I almost forgot.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] I knew she'd remember. It was birthday gift time. I bet it's that fancy editing machine I wanted.
Beverly: Here's $3. I was so busy crying about your brother taking a child bride that I didn't make you a lunch.
Adam: It's shepherd's pie at the cafeteria today! That's the worst of all savory pies.
Beverly: And no bananas till you make a poop-ila in the pot-ila.

Quote from Barry

Barry: And we can put a samurai sword on this wall. Shark tank, shark tank, shark tank. Boom! Seven more shark tanks!
Lainey: Bar, where am I gonna hang all my guitars if every wall is full of swords and sharks?
Barry: You're right. Mom, we're gonna need a bigger, wall-ier house, but we appreciate the offer to buy us this one.

Quote from Beverly

Lainey: That's right! Can you imagine all those cuddly little baby Barrys?
Beverly: I'm imagining it so hard right now.
Lainey: That's good! But the only way to get them is to get us married.
Beverly: Oh, no, you're not getting married. But But how soon could you get married and give me little Barrys?
Barry: What are we even talking about right now?
Lainey: Bar, we're talking about the sooner we get married, the sooner your mom becomes a Grammy.
Beverly: Bubby. Ohh, I want to be a bubby so bad!
Barry: Ohh! Now I get it.
Beverly: Would literally kill my friends with envy. That's my dream.

Quote from Beverly

Barry: This is very exciting, but let's manage expectations. This baby thing is a ways off.
Lainey: Yeah, it could be decades. But it'll for sure happen one day.
Beverly: Oh, one day is so close. Oh, I can almost taste the baby in my mouth. Muh-muh-muh. Ohh! That's a tasty baby. Oh, I'm gonna eat your foot. [Imitates nibbling] Baby foot is my favorite! I'm gonna put ketchup on the baby foot. [chuckles]
Lainey: Told you I could get her on board. Although I may have concerns she wants to eat our baby.

Quote from Adam

Emmy Mirsky: Wait. They all forgot your birthday?
Adam: I always thought "Sixteen Candles" was a delightful comedic premise, but when it happens to you, it's more shocking and hurtful.

Quote from Pops

Emmy Mirsky: So, where do we begin?
Adam: No clue, but I do know the coolest person alive who knows everything about throwing a badass bash.
Dave Kim: Erica.
Emmy Mirsky: Erica.
Adam: Better.
[cut to:]
Pops: You want a birthday rager, kiddo? I'll throw you one that'll make you plotz.
Adam: Sweet. So, whatcha thinking? We pull out all the stops.
Pops: I'm talking martinis, dollar stogies, fan dancers. Ooh. I got an in with the Shorty Flanders Trio.
Adam: Yeah, we'll go to Erica.

Quote from Erica

Erica: For the love of crap! I just got the electricity bill, and my dad is gonna kill me.
Geoff: Okay, calm down. I'm sure it's not that bad.
Erica: It's $906.
Geoff: "For the love of crap" is right! That's so bad and so wasteful!
Erica: Excuse you. How am I wasteful?
Geoff: Oh, I don't know. Maybe 'cause you and your drummer have incredibly indulgent energy needs?
Other Erica: Uh, we have to run the A/C and fans 24/7 'cause our tons of equipment runs, like, super hot.
Geoff: Yeah, but do you really need the sign?
Erica: Do you not want people to know the name of our band, unsupportive Geoff?

Quote from Erica

Geoff: Look, your dad is gonna kill you.
Erica: My dad's gonna kill me. I'm gonna be the most hated kid in this house, even more than Barry, and he's a high-school groom.
Geoff: Okay, all we gotta do is come up with a mature, adult way to solve this.
Adam: Erica! I need your help to throw a reckless high-school party that Mom and Dad can never know about.
Erica: I'll do it.
Adam: Seriously?
Erica: For my special guy? Of course. [turning to Geoff] Throwing a party is incredibly risky, and if you get caught, Mom and Dad will be livid, and you'll be the worst kid in the house, not me.
Geoff: No, no, I get it.

Quote from Erica

Adam: I can't believe you'll throw me a party. I thought you forgot all about today.
Erica: I don't totally follow, but I'm on it. [turning to Geoff] First, I'll get Mom and Dad out of town so they won't return tonight and catch you red-handed.
Geoff: No, I get it.
Adam: High school's gonna be as awesome for me as it was for you. Thank you, Erica.
Erica: Don't mention it. [turning to Geoff] This timing could not be more perfect.
Geoff: No need to look my direction. I know what's happening.

Quote from Bill Lewis

Bill Lewis: What the hell just happened?! She was supposed to scare 'em off with an open house, and now we're eating in another state!
Murray: I'll tell you what just happened. Our moron kids are brilliant. They used the baby card against us.
Bill Lewis: I hate the baby card. Also, what's the baby card? I'm so scared and upset, Murray!

Quote from Barry

Barry: Why, hello, angry fathers. Guess who just got Beverly Goldberg on board the wedding train.
Murray: Do you know what a can of worms you two just opened by promising that yenta grandbabies?
Barry: Face it, you lost. Now that Mom's excited about our foolishly impulsive wedding, you have to accept it.
Bill Lewis: The curly-haired sack of flour's right. Beverly Goldberg always gets her way.
Murray: But at what cost?

Quote from Bill Lewis

Beverly: Yoo-hoo! Look at all this adorable stuff I've had hermetically sealed in the garage. You're gonna need this, for sure. It's Barry's baby helmet. Yay!
Bill Lewis: Great. Not only are we having a baby, but its head's gonna be all cattywampus. Cheese and crackers.

Quote from Adam

Carla: Check us out! We're fancy, big-haired ladies, like your mom. [pearls clatter]
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Just when I thought no more damage could be done... Actual damage was done.
Ruben Amaro, Jr.: Oh, man. Bench press got away from me. That's my bad, Alden.
Adam: My name's Adam, and your weightlifting mishap just caused major structural damage to my home.
Ruben Amaro, Jr.: There's a throw rug up here. I'll chuck it over the hole.
Adam: Why did John Hughes make this seem so whimsical and fun?
Dave Kim: [trapped in a glass coffee table] Help me! I'm a human person! Even Long Duk Dong had more dignity than this!

Quote from Bill Lewis

Bill Lewis: I lost 2 grand, and it's still the best thing that happened to me today.

Quote from Bill Lewis

Barry: Evening. I'd like a root beer and a marker for $10,000.
Murray: Nice try, moron. You're not old enough to be in here.
Bill Lewis: Yeah, old enough to steal my little princess and saddle her with a crooked-headed infant.
Barry: Actually, Lainey bolted. She's gone for good.
Bill Lewis: Hot diggity-dog! I'm the luckiest man alive! I just lost so much money, but I'm walking on sunshine over here!


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