Bill Lewis: I lost 2 grand, and it's still the best thing that happened to me today.

Barry: Evening. I'd like a root beer and a marker for $10,000.
Murray: Nice try, moron. You're not old enough to be in here.
Bill Lewis: Yeah, old enough to steal my little princess and saddle her with a crooked-headed infant.
Barry: Actually, Lainey bolted. She's gone for good.
Bill Lewis: Hot diggity-dog! I'm the luckiest man alive! I just lost so much money, but I'm walking on sunshine over here!

Beverly: Actually, I dragged him here. He needs a new car.
John Calabasas: Well, I can tell just from the look of you that you only settle for the best. Am I right?
Murray: You are not. Save your spiel for the other suckers. I'm just here for a new handle.
Beverly: Murray, look at me and hear the words of a woman who was banned from carpool you're getting a car today. Any car. I don't even care what it is at this point.
Bill Lewis: My God, Mur-man! You're such a cheap bastard, your wife has completely given up and letting you get whatever car you like.

Guy: Hey. What kind of car?
Murray: Uh, it's a Bitter. Austrian. Very rare.
Guy: At first, I thought it was a-
Murray: Oh, Ferrari. Yeah. It gets that a lot.
Bill Lewis: Also, Austria isn't the place with the boxing kangaroos. That's Australia. See? I'm growing, too.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] After the Bitter had broken, it left my dad bitter and broken.
Murray: Can you believe that woman? "Treat yourself, Mur." Who says that to a husband? Who?
Bill Lewis: Dear Lord! This is so infuriating, it makes me wanna punch a wall.
Murray: Aw, pal, I really appreciate the support.
Bill Lewis: Wait, you think I'm on your side?
Murray: Aren't you?
Bill Lewis: No! You make me want to punch a wall, not her!
Murray: You're my best friend. You're supposed to blindly agree with anything I say.
Bill Lewis: No. Beverly is a saint. Last I heard, my wife is somewhere in the Southwest. That's not even a state. That's just a region of the country. I can't get her on the phone. There's not even an area code. I ate a banana for dinner three times last week. When I don't brush my teeth, nobody cares.
Murray: We all got stuff.
Bill Lewis: Not you. Your wife cooks for you, she appreciates you. She wants you to be happy. My wife is a ghost in the wind. Sometimes I talk to an old sock of hers when I feel lonely.
Murray: So, you're not gonna side with me on this, are you?
Bill Lewis: Hell no! And you're gonna make this right for us. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go home and peel my dinner.

Bill Lewis: There she is, the woman who made the little devil who's taking my angel.
Beverly: And there's the man who once broke one of our dining room chairs 'cause he sat down too fast.

Bill Lewis: You know, I know the bride's side always does the planning, but now that they picked a date and it's coming fast, I thought I would just check in, make sure I'm on track.
Beverly: Smart. So, tell me about the florist.
Bill Lewis: Can't, 'cause there ain't one.
Beverly: You've at least booked a wedding singer, right?
Bill Lewis: Strike two!
Beverly: Please tell me you booked a venue.
Bill Lewis: Of course. I'm deciding between the parking lot of my tile store or nothing, 'cause there is no venue.

Bill Lewis: Sweet Moses on buttered toast! Miracles do happen!
Lainey: Maybe pull it back a little, Dad.
Bill Lewis: I can't help it. I'm just so glad you're not throwing away your future on this boy-shaped bag of cheese.
Barry: That sounds like it was at my expense.
Bill Lewis: For sure, buddy.
Barry: This is going well.
Bill Lewis: To be honest, when I first met you, I was not a fan.
Barry: And then I grew on you.
Bill Lewis: You have not. But none of that matters now, because you and I are not gonna be family. Get in here.

Beverly: Oh, poop! We got to talk some sense into that girl. Where is she?
Adam: Heading to the airport.
Bill Lewis: That's where the planes take off! We got to get over there!

Murray: All right, you sad sacks. Enough moping. It's time to get out for a day of dad fun.
Barry: Pass!
Erica: [with her mouth full] Please, just go, and let us be miserable in peace.
Murray: Why be miserable here when you can go out and listen to your brand-new car stereo!
Barry: What?!
Erica: No way!
Bill Lewis: Mur! This is the fancy kind where you pop off the face and take it with you, and then car thieves are like, "What?!"