Adult Adam: [v.o.] Barry was preparing for his big NFL tryout, and every moment was an opportunity to train.
Pops: Hey, Bar, toss me a plum.
Murray: No, no, no, no, no. Snap it to him.
Barry: You know it, Coach Dad. Plum comin' in! Boom!
Pops: [catches fruit] That's a papaya.
Barry: Professional hike!
Pops: Apple.
Barry: Yi! [glass breaks]
Pops: Pear!
Barry: Yi! [clatter]
Pops: Tangelo! You know what might be a nice lesson, Coach Dad? The difference between a banana and a plum.

Barry: Dad, hurry, it's almost kickoff! [sighs] Maybe I should have tried out.
Bill Lewis: Probably for the best. I've had a headache for 36 years.
Vic: Oh, [scoffs] that's nothin'. I can turn this foot all the way around like an owl's head.
Bill Lewis: I got hit so hard on a crossing route, I was legally dead for 3 minutes.
Vic: Try 5. I saw my granny on a cloud. She told me to rub some dirt on it and then go block somebody.
Bill Lewis: I took a helmet to the stomach so hard, I no longer have a belly button.
Vic: I don't have any toes.
Bill Lewis: This isn't baldness. I got the hair tackled right off of my head. [Vic gasps]
Barry: Why do they let anyone play this game?
Bill Lewis: 'Cause it's the best.
Vic: So many good memories. I love it.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Back in the '80s, my dad and Barry shared a love of Philly sports teams. Especially the Eagles. Though you wouldn't always know it by the way they talked.
Murray: [on the phone] The Eagles are a giant steaming pile of crap.
Barry: They need to fire the coach, G.M., and the guy who carts off the players after they get injured. Could he drive any slower?
Murray: It's a shame a pig had to die for this.
Barry: I hate my team so much! What time should I come over to watch the game on Sunday?
Murray: The preshow starts at 10:00. Don't be late.
Barry: Okay.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] And nothing mattered more than beating my dad's best friend's team, the hated Cowboys.
Bill Lewis: Lord in the sky, if he misses this kick, I promise to live a just and pious life. Except on my birthday. And those evenings when the Asti Spumante hits Dolores just right.
Murray: Okay, let's lock arms to help him aim. Come on. Come on. [crowd cheers]
Barry: Yeah!
Murray: Oho-ho! Yeah! All right!
Barry: Never doubted it!
Murray: All right!
Bill Lewis: This is on you, big fella. I'm converting to whatever Murray is.
Barry: Whatever you do, Bill, don't come crying to us.
Bill Lewis: I appreciate your concern, but I only allow myself one good cry a year, and I wasted it on the death of my father.

Adam: Bar, what is it?
Barry: I just heard a terrible rumor that NFL players are going on strike.
Murray: It's not a rumor, moron.
Barry: This is the single most terrible thing that's ever happened!
Pops: I was born in a wagon and didn't see a dentist till I was 20, but sure.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] It was March 31st, 1980-something, and my mom was playing her favorite sport... haggling with salespeople.
Beverly: So listen up, Deb. You're gonna take this coupon, apply it to the existing discount, then hand me the sweater plus $15.
Deb: I'm getting the manager.
Beverly: Great. Go get Gerald. [chuckles] It'll give me time to get mad.
Erica: Can we go? I still have to exist in this society even when you're not around.
Beverly: Erica, I will not pay a dollar more than the $4 that I've already paid for that giant bag of new clothes.

Murray: Dad, I'm trying out for the Eagles, and I want you to train me. [Bill and Vic laugh] And what's so funny?
Vic: You being trained by Murray? It's the blind leading the tragically immobile.
Bill Lewis: Your father can barely coach a nacho chip into his mouth. Look at his shirt.
Barry: For your information, Bill, my dad was a star football player back in high school.
Bill Lewis: Did he go to an all-girls school? [chuckles] Whoops. That felt sexist. Uh, God bless women and their tiny bones. Oh, I did it again. Um, ladies good.

Erica: Damn it! Why won't this stupid thing work?
Adam: Probably because you're hitting it like that. You got to hit it like this. With the whackin' book.
Erica: Whackin' book?
Adam: It fixes more than it breaks.

Murray: Get in your stance. Not like that. Be like, uh, a dog digging up sand at the beach.
Barry: But dogs aren't allowed on beaches.
Vic: It's true, and if you're caught, it's a hefty fine.
Bill Lewis: Beaches can be stressful environments for dogs. The heat, the lack of shade, and noise can trigger all sorts of unfortunate behavior.
Barry: I love our furry friends, but let's keep beaches fun and safe for people first.
Murray: Enough with the beach report. Just pretend you're a human digging like a dog at the beach.
Barry: Now, that I can do.

Bill Lewis: Nachos. Is it a meal, is it a snack? Either way, it's a great way to celebrate a child crossing a labor dispute.