Beverly: What the [bleep] [bleep]?! I was supposed to be the one to force you into buying things you don't want!
Essie Karp: We know, but then Jane arrived, and she's so pushy and terrifying. She said there was a new sheriff in town, and it's her. Then she showed us an actual badge. I think she might be the sheriff.
Beverly: Are you more scared of her than you are of me?
Virginia Kremp: Goodness no. No, no. You frighten the crap out of us. I once screamed when I thought I saw your shadow. Thank goodness it was just a circus clown in my driveway.

Beverly: I'll open your soda. I know how delicate your little fingies are.
Adam: This is not how she usually does it.
Beverly: True. Forgot your swirly straw. Adam has very delicate lips, as I'm sure you and I both know.
Brea: What a fun thing we share. I'm gonna head to work.
Adam: Brea, baby, I may have some creature comforts, but I put on my track jackets just like anyone else... one arm at a time.
Beverly: Oh, no. Are you cold, schmooey?
Adam: Dammit, Mom. I'm just proving a point.
Beverly: But, yes, I am slightly chilly.
Adam: Ow. Just got my thumb stuck. No biggie.
Beverly: Okay, I can't take it anymore. My baby is slightly chilly.
Adam: Not in front of my special girl!
Beverly: You heard him, Brea. Hit the bricks.

Beverly: Adam can't get a job. He is just a child. There's laws against that.
Pops: A job would be good for him. Haven't you benefited from working?
Beverly: I suppose there is a certain satisfaction that comes after a long day of wardening.
Adam: I don't like where this is heading.
Pops: And you have some pride when you come home. When you put your feet up, you've earned it.
Beverly: "Put my feet up"? Me? Ha! Right away, I'm folding laundry and making snackies for this one. While he plays with the toys I bought him.
Adam: I'm your wittle boy angel.
Beverly: You know what? You should get a job.
Pops: There you go. A step forward.
Beverly: But if it becomes uncomfortable in any way, Mama Bear will run in and fix it.
Pops: And a big honkin' step back. But we're going back and forth, and that's not nothin'.

Beverly: Ready for a hilarious story? Remember last week when I had Stanley fired for being a lazy butcher? [chuckles] Well, look at this razor-thin salami. Hmm? The new guy is the real deal.

Beverly: Where's this Randy fella?
Randy: Can I help you?
Beverly: No. But I can help you. Rule number one... never tell my schmoopaloo what to do.
Randy: That'd be a whole lot easier if I knew what a schmoopaloo is.
Brea: She means him.
Beverly: Rule number two... no physical labor. No lifting, mopping, or scooping.
Randy: That's pretty much the whole gig.
Beverly: Rule number three... you will double his salary and let him work from home on Tuesdays.
Randy: Or I have a better solution. Adam, you're super fired.
Beverly: No! I fire you!
Adam: Okay, Mom! I think I got it from here.
Beverly: Good for you, honey. Oh. You know, for a new manager, you are showing great leadership. You're lucky to have this one, Brea. [clicks tongue]

Erica: Why are you as upset as me?
Beverly: Because I had plans for your future.
Erica: Please don't tell me you're already thinking about our wedding.
Beverly: It's mid-April. Everything's in bloom. [chuckles] We're overlooking Bushkill Falls, the Niagara of Pennsylvania. There's a 25-person limit, but we can push it to 200.
Erica: Sounds reasonable.
Beverly: Then once we get back from our honeymoon in Hawaii - yes, I am going - you two will move into the Kremps' house.
Erica: So, in this world, the Kremps no longer live across the street?
Beverly: Not when they notice all the possums I've been sneaking into their attic.

Beverly: Wait. Is that... It is. Geoff Schwartz! What are the chances?
Geoff: Down the street from my parents' house? Pretty high.
Beverly: Well, this is a happy co-ink-a-dink, because I have some stuff you left at our house.
Geoff: Okay, you can just put those things in the back. Or just climb in and crush my sunglasses. [car door closes]
Beverly: Here's the elegant "Gerica" sweater that reminds you of the good times.
Geoff: That's clearly not mine.
Beverly: Oh, and a bottle of Erica's favorite perfume. Wow. That's gotta bring back some memories, huh?
Geoff: [coughs] My eyes! It's so searing and evocative!
Beverly: Mm. Look. Her diary. Oopsy. I opened it. "Dear diary, I sure do miss Geoff's snuggly body. I wish he could go back to being my loverboy."
Geoff: It's obvious you're trying to get me to go back to Erica.
Beverly: How dare you? I'm just a concerned citizen randomly walking the neighborhood with the possessions of my daughter and her former loverboy.
Geoff: Please stop saying "loverboy."
Beverly: Does "boy lover" feel more natural?
Geoff: It does not.
Beverly: I guess someone can't have an open and honest conversation.
Geoff: I'm sorry. It's just, however hard you think this breakup is for you, it's harder for me.
Beverly: Geoff, I know.
Geoff: Thank you.
Beverly: But I will 1,000% get you back together, whether you want me to or not. [car door closes]
Geoff: You left your box!
Beverly: Geoff, that [bleep] isn't mine.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Back in the '80s, there was no show quite like The Dating Game, where bachelors and bachelorettes competed with innuendo-filled questions for a chance at romance.
Woman: [on TV] If I were a car, describe the hand-wash I could expect from you.
Adam: The words they're saying are innocent, but the meanings are not. [chuckles]
Beverly: Just so you know, Squishy, if we were ever on this show, I'd pick you every time.
Adam: In what world would we be on a dating show together?
Beverly: Never forget I will always be the first girl you ever kissed.
Adam: I never considered that until now.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] This kind of cash was a whole new ballgame for my dad, but to everyone's surprise, he stepped up to the plate and took a big swing.
Murray: I did it! I did the thing, and it is big!
Adam: Just make sure you lit a candle by the sink this time.
Murray: No, moron! I bought something! Bevy, care to guess?
Beverly: A riding lawnmower so I don't have to push anymore?
Murray: No! Something I would never do.
Beverly: Salsa lessons and then we go salsa dancing every night, then we get all caught up in the salsa lifestyle and we open a casino in Havana?
Murray: Even more life-changing.
Adam: You purchased something more life-changing than quitting your lives in America and pursuing dance?

Beverly: I just need a little help first. You're a contractor, right?
Bill Lewis: I sell tile!
Beverly: So you have a hammer. It's all the same.
Bill Lewis: Please just ask me whatever hugely imposing favor this is.
Beverly: Murray has bought a beach house.
Bill Lewis: How incredibly generous of him.
Beverly: It's a dump and I hate it!
Bill Lewis: And now we know why you're here. You want me to say the terrible things so you don't have to.
Beverly: You tell Murray how costly it'll be to fix. The thought of spending a single penny more will reawaken his cheapness, and then I won't have to live in the house from The Munsters.
Bill Lewis: I'm available next Tuesday.
Beverly: We're going now.