Murray: I bought a beach house!
Beverly: What did he say?
Murray: Beach house!
Adam: I think he said "bean chow." He wants to eat more beans.
Beverly: That makes the most sense.

Beverly: There's just so much to take in. [chuckles] You know? Like... What the hell are you wearing?
Adam: Dad made me! He keeps yelling I'm a beach kid now.
Murray: Damn right you are. And you're gonna make a sand angel, and you're gonna have sandball fights, and you're gonna carve a beautiful sandman!
Adam: Sandman? The guy that makes you sleep?
Murray: I don't know beach talk, but I do know this... you better not spoil your mom's dream.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Back in the '80s, there was no show quite like The Dating Game, where bachelors and bachelorettes competed with innuendo-filled questions for a chance at romance.
Woman: [on TV] If I were a car, describe the hand-wash I could expect from you.
Adam: The words they're saying are innocent, but the meanings are not. [chuckles]
Beverly: Just so you know, Squishy, if we were ever on this show, I'd pick you every time.
Adam: In what world would we be on a dating show together?
Beverly: Never forget I will always be the first girl you ever kissed.
Adam: I never considered that until now.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] But no one enjoyed the game of romance more than my brother Barry.
Barry: If I was one of these bachelors, I'd smoke these clowns.
Matt: For a date with a 50-year-old drama teacher?
Barry: 50 is the new 48, Matt Bradley. Open your mind to all of God's creatures.

Geoff: I'm actually doing pretty good on my own.
Joanne: Do explain.
Barry: I don't believe you.
Geoff: Well, I recently rekindled an old flame with my first love, Arabella.
Matt: Tell us all about her! What's she like?
Geoff: She's got some pretty sweet curves, and we make some beautiful music together.
Naked Rob: Arabella's your cello, isn't she?
Geoff: You know it. [Barry groans] [cello plays out of tune]
Matt: It sounds like ghosts are screaming.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] This kind of cash was a whole new ballgame for my dad, but to everyone's surprise, he stepped up to the plate and took a big swing.
Murray: I did it! I did the thing, and it is big!
Adam: Just make sure you lit a candle by the sink this time.
Murray: No, moron! I bought something! Bevy, care to guess?
Beverly: A riding lawnmower so I don't have to push anymore?
Murray: No! Something I would never do.
Beverly: Salsa lessons and then we go salsa dancing every night, then we get all caught up in the salsa lifestyle and we open a casino in Havana?
Murray: Even more life-changing.
Adam: You purchased something more life-changing than quitting your lives in America and pursuing dance?

Murray: I guess we're beach people now.
Adam: Not me. [scoffs] I burn easily. And waves are just God's punches.
Murray: Well, get some sunscreen and some courage, 'cause now the sea is your best friend.

Erica: I didn't know we were seeing other people.
Geoff: We're not. I... I'm not. I don't control you. Not that I controlled you when we were together, which we're not anymore, so...
Barry: [sighs] Nice. Nice. Save that gold for the show.
Erica: If you want to go on a dating show in front of millions of people, you can.
Geoff: You're okay with this?
Erica: Why not? We're friends, and I support my friends.
Geoff: Then I'm totally gonna do it. This tomcat is back on the prowl. Meow! It sounded better in my head.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] As Erica and Geoff were in Hell, my mom was having a day at the beach.
Beverly: Ohh, we've got a beach house!
Murray: Open your eyes and take a look at your dream house. [Beverly gasps]
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Unfortunately, it looked more like a nightmare.
Beverly: Well, this is something.
Adam: I think I've seen this place on the news.
Murray: I bet you have. It used to be a home for unwanted children. If these walls could talk.
Adam: They would scream?

Beverly: Dream, yes. [chuckles] That's what this is. Oh, so much character.
Adam: A character from Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
Murray: Ah, so it needs a little cleaning up. We'll paint, we'll patch, badda boom badda bing, it'll be a home! We'll all do it together.
Beverly: Together, yes. That is something I've definitely said before.
Murray: Because I'm the best.
Beverly: You really are, Murray. I love it. [Murray walks away] I [bleep] hate it.
Adam: You hate it? I'm wearing a shirt that says "Surf City." Where is this place? It's so generic. Why don't you just tell him?
Beverly: Because I'm dumping this dump without him knowing it.
Adam: Sounds good, but let's not insult the haunted house while we're in it.