Waiter: Dessert?
Glenn: Uh, do you have a Mexican version of a churro?
Waiter: Um, I think we can put something together for you.

Glenn: "If you're reading this, then your branch has been the victim of a workplace... tornado. Workplace tornados are a growing epidemic that we need to face while still respecting the right of every American to own tornados." It's good.

Glenn: "Many tornado victims describe worrying that behind every hallway, there's a lone tornado waiting to tornado them."

Glenn: Hello there. How's your day going?
Man: Fine.
Glenn: Wow, you've got quite the full cart, huh? You got a shovel, a tarp, and some duct tape and kitchen knives and garbage bags... And a saw? Whoo. Big Thanksgiving plans?
Man: Just a small dinner with my mom. We have a lot of catching up to do. Where do you keep your bleach?
Glenn: [gulps] [stammering] I think we're actually out of bleach.
Man: It's fine. I'll get it online.
Glenn: No! Wait, we- We have bleach. It's aisle nine.
Man: You've been very helpful. Thank you.

Amy: Okay, so, now I hit submit?
Glenn: Uh-buh-buh-buh! Euuuhh! A-C-E-S-T: "Always Check Everything Seven Times."
Amy: Really, seven times? Isn't that five or six times too many?
Glenn: You would be surprised how many mistakes I pick up on the seventh check.
Amy: Seven times, got it. Okay, and then I hit submit.
Glenn: Ah. Yes, but if you ever forget where you are, here's a little mnemonic device, you know, to help you remember. First ♫ Mark the unit's inventory price ♫ And unit quantity ♫ Then triple check the product name ♫ 'Cause thorough's what you want be ♫
Amy: Glenn, really, I-
Glenn: ♫ Then look it over ♫ One more time in case there's a mistake ♫ Then sign it, date it, click submit ♫ And throw it in the lake ♫ [talks] But don't do that last part, 'cause it's just for the rhyme.

Glenn: And guys, I say this a lot, but we really need to wet down those raccoon droppings before we sweep.
Dry sweeping is the reason why those roundworm eggs go airborne. God, I just realized this is the last time I'm going to tell you guys to spray your droppings.
Justine: Aww.

Amy: Glenn, you had an announcement.
Glenn: Yeah. Thank you, Amy. Uh, I just wanted to remind you all that I'm acting in my church's Passion play tonight. It's just a little part, Villager Number Four. I'm trying to do things that are kind of outside my comfort zone. Like, last week I tried hummus, and, I'm sorry, I'm not a fan.
Amy: Oh, do you think that I'm-
Glenn: Yeah, I'm sorry.
Amy: Or that hummus is- Thank you for trying it.

Cheyenne: What is all this stuff?
Glenn: Well, it's just junk we've had in our attic that we've been meaning to throw out, you know. Jerusha's dad was a collector of both things and, as it turned out later, wives. But, anyway, is any of it valuable?
Mateo: [sighs] I mean, a flattened penny from Niagara Falls that's worth less than a penny. Some random keys. Ka-ching! A Neil Diamond cassette tape?
Glenn: [gasps] Oh, I'll keep that. I've been meaning to check him out.
Cheyenne: What about these baseball cards? Mickey Mantle wasn't he someone?
Glenn: I don't know. I've never really been a fan of men's baseball.
Mateo: This is from the first year he ever played, like, before he was even famous.
Glenn: Oh, it was worth a shot. [throws card in trash]
Cheyenne: Action Comics Superman, 1938. Wow, this is so old. [rips magazine] That doesn't even look like Dean Cain.
Glenn: Yeah.

Glenn: Oh, yeah, no, I am fine. In fact, I'm not pre-diabetic anymore.
Dina: You're cured? How's that possible?
Glenn: Oh, no I'm not cured. I'm just completely diabetic now. I bonked out because my body thought that I had too much sugar in my bloodstream. Agree to disagree. But anyway, my doctor says I can manage it all with just a few tweaks to my lifestyle.
Dina: Tweaks? You face plant in the break room and your doctor prescribes tweaks?
Glenn: Not bad, huh? Looks like I picked the right doctor.
Dina: How could he not notice your patchy skin, your weight gain, how your breath smells like a Jolly Rancher no matter what you've just eaten?
Glenn: Hey, Jerusha loves that. Every morning she asks me to breathe into her car.
Dina: Okay... tweaks aren't gonna cut it. You need to do a complete lifestyle overhaul. I carried your baby for nine months and I'm not gonna let her get abandoned the way I did. It's not fun going to a baseball game with your principal or learning how to skip stones from a pamphlet you had to send away for.
Glenn: I am not going to abandon Rose. The Sturgises all live into their 90s. We have kind of a deal... [points to the heavens] Anyway, I'm gonna be fine. Hey, Masoud! Guess who's not pre-diabetic anymore!

Glenn: Jonah, look. I was just in softlines, and then suddenly, out of nowhere, boom. This bottle of Mr. Clean appeared. Myrtle always said that Mr. Clean was her celebrity crush. She called him, "My big white genie."
Jonah: Oh, yeah. That sounds familiar, I think.
Glenn: Look, I know she means well leaving all these signs to let me know she's still around, but... it just makes me miss her more. You shouldn't outlive your employees. It's not right. It's not natural.