Dina: [clears throat] "Dear everyone, from the bottom of my heart I'm sorry that you are mad at me. I only acted the way the way I did because I'm a very loyal person and I can't empathize with people who are self-centered traitors. If I could go back in time I would do the exact same thing. I consider this matter closed now." Huh?
Jonah: Great. Great, uh... lotta great stuff in there. I just have a few notes. Tiny stuff. Maybe it could be a little more personal.
Dina: Sounds great. Write it up.

Dina: All right, in order for this to work, it is critical that we run at the crow at exactly the same speed, 8 miles per hour, got it?
Mateo: Yes, ma'am.
Dina: All right.
Mateo: Actually, I don't know how fast that is.
Dina: Sorry, sometimes I forget you're Asian. 13 kilometers per hour.
Mateo: I still don't...
Dina: It's 240 steps a minute.
Mateo: That doesn't mean anything to me.
Dina: Well, I don't know how to make it any clearer.
Mateo: You're just saying just run pretty fast, right?
Dina: "Pretty fast" is a relative term. What's your resting heart rate?
Mateo: I have no idea.
Dina: God, we're gonna have to figure it out now. Okay, take your pulse for ten seconds. You're gonna multiply that number by six.

Dina: Hey, I need you to work the register while Tim's in the bathroom.
Garrett: Nah, I don't do registers.
Dina: Look, I know that it's really the hip thing for you millennials to not give a crap...
Garrett: That's not true, and we're the same age, but please, go on.
Dina: It's all hands on deck, so quit your Myspacing and get on the register. That's an order.

Dina: How about you cool it with the attitude?
Garrett: Not today, Dina.
Dina: What, you think you're the only person that's uncomfortable? My pelvic area is like the Gulf Coast right now. Seriously, I could steam shellfish in these khakis.

Dina: Come on now, you just need to make it worth his while, right? Bedroom-wise? Kitchen-wise? Dungeon-wise? Whatever it is you guys do. This would just really help me out.
Mateo: Okay, sure, no problem.
Dina: Great. Let me know if you need any good sex moves.
Mateo: Nope, I'm good.
Dina: You're gonna wanna take his whole mess of parts, and just twist 'em up fast, okay? Like a... like a windup toy. Uh, pretend it's a jar of pickles that won't open. [to a customer] Excuse you, this is a private conversation.

Dina: Okay, this is our store today. Here's where I'd like to see it in three months. Fresh coat of paint, advanced security system. You can tell Jeff whatever they have at the Tel Aviv airport will be fine.

Dina: Cheyenne? I need your help accessing people's social media before we have another scandal. I feel like that lady from Scandal. Is her name Scandal?
Cheyenne: Um, can't you just do it yourself?
Dina: Don't do social media. Never have. Never will. Don't want anyone tracking me. I only use the Internet for two things: buying birdseed, watching porn. Besides, it'll be fun. Couple of gals clickin' and a-clackin' around the net.
Cheyenne: Are you asking me, or telling me I have to?
Dina: I'm telling you you have to, but in a way that makes it sound like I'm asking you.

Dina: And 11 stitches there.
Cheyenne: Wow. You really do have a lot of scars.
Dina: Well, that's why I switched to birds. Chimps are very violent. And they're constantly masturbating. Birds do it less. And when a bird orgasms, it's the most beautiful song you've ever heard.
Cheyenne: That's cool.
Dina: It is. It is cool.

Dina: How about a game, huh? Who wants to play Crazy Scabies? Floor Shorts? I guess there is enough of us, we could play Hassle the Fishmonger, but we'd have to move the couch.
Garrett: Yeah, no one's ever heard of any of those games.
Dina: Seriously? None of you? Well, what did you do as kids when your mom was out with the men from the bank?

Glenn: "Surrogate shall be reimbursed for all tailoring expenses"?
Dina: I'm gonna have to have my clothes converted to maternity clothes and then converted back after.
Glenn: "In the event of a baby over eight pounds, lessee will reimburse leaser for vaginal reconstruction."
Dina: Hey, I was happy to have a gentleman's agreement. You're the one who wanted to get all formal about it.
Glenn: I'm gonna have to take some time to review these changes.
Dina: Sure, oh, FYI, clauses 30-49 are all vag-related, and the last page is the before photos.