Previous Episode Next Episode 
Viral Video

‘Viral Video’

Season 3, Episode 8 -  Aired January 4, 2018

The store workers discuss social media after an employee is fired for a viral video filmed in the store. Meanwhile, Glenn suspects somebody has been registering fake people for rewards cards.

Quote from Mateo

Mateo: I sign up a lot of... rewards customers. I mean, I... can't remember every single one.
Glenn: It's just that I noticed they seem to have really unusual names. Ned Duracell. Jim Toblerone. And just this morning, you signed up a Martin Nestle.
Mateo: Oh, Martin! Uh, yeah. I... I remember him. Uh, good guy. Nice family.
Glenn: Mateo, can you think of any reason why Martin's email bounced back?
Mateo: He gave me a fake email?
Glenn: That's one reason. Um... But another one is... a-and I'm not accusing you of this, but maybe... You made him up?
Mateo: What? Glenn! Wow!


Quote from Dina

Dina: Cheyenne? I need your help accessing people's social media before we have another scandal. I feel like that lady from Scandal. Is her name Scandal?
Cheyenne: Um, can't you just do it yourself?
Dina: Don't do social media. Never have. Never will. Don't want anyone tracking me. I only use the Internet for two things: buying birdseed, watching porn. Besides, it'll be fun. Couple of gals clickin' and a-clackin' around the net.
Cheyenne: Are you asking me, or telling me I have to?
Dina: I'm telling you you have to, but in a way that makes it sound like I'm asking you.

Quote from Mateo

Mateo: Oh, hey, Glenn! It was really bugging me that Martin Nestle lied about his email address, so I did some digging and I found his actual email on his company website.
Glenn: Boogie-Time Boogie Boards, Incorporated. That doesn't look like a very professional website, does it?
Mateo: I know, right? These beach bum types. [clears throat] Anyway... There he is. Martin Nestle, CEO.
Glenn: Huh. That looks like the guy from Twilight.
Mateo: You saw Twilight?
Glenn: No. Jerusha said I shouldn't. So I didn't.
Mateo: I mean... I guess it kinda looks like him if you squint. It's so funny you know who that is.
Garrett: Hey, let's see if they have a page for buying a boogie board on there, huh?
Mateo: I don't think that the link is up yet.
Garrett: Click on the "About," where it tells you the story of how the company started.

Quote from Dina

Dina: And 11 stitches there.
Cheyenne: Wow. You really do have a lot of scars.
Dina: Well, that's why I switched to birds. Chimps are very violent. And they're constantly masturbating. Birds do it less. And when a bird orgasms, it's the most beautiful song you've ever heard.
Cheyenne: That's cool.
Dina: It is. It is cool.

Quote from Dina

Amy: I don't understand. Who even thinks of farting in cups as something to do?
Kelly: It's so gross! Especially in the kitchen.
Cheyenne: If you think about it, it's not that gross. Farts are just air.
Glenn: Cheyenne, that's beautiful!
Dina: But it's not exactly true. Fart air has billions of fecal particles in it. I mean, that's what causes the smell... Feces in your nose.
Kelly: I thought the gas just smelled.
Mateo: [phone chimes] [into phone] Fart ingredients.
Jeff: Okay, no... We don't need to do that.

Quote from Marcus

Marcus: [on recording] Kate Upton, Arianna Grande, Serena Williams, 1994 Meryl Streep, 1995 Meryl Streep, and the Wonder Woman chick. Celebrities I Would Bone is brought to you by Blue Apron, a better way to cook...
Marcus: God, that hour flies by.

Quote from Kelly

Jonah: Oh, did you guys see the one with the orange?
Janet: Nuh-uh.
Jonah: Wait.
Kelly: [on video] Hey, guys. It's your girl, Kelly. So I've been trying to open this orange for, like, five minutes. It's pretty much just unpeelable. Here, watch.
Marcus: Okay, seriously, that is my life. [chuckles]

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: [on video] Hey, guys. It's your girl, Kelly. You know how sometimes you get a shopping cart with a bad wheel? Well, this one has a really bad wheel. AKA, no wheel! [Justine laughs] Check it out! Wheel fail!
Amy: Wait, really? What am I missing here? This is lame.
Justine: No, I know! So lame.
Kelly: [on video] It's your girl, Kelly. I'm just having a little breakfast, the most important meal of the day, although some people refuse to eat it.
Jonah: [on video] All your cereals have marshmallows. It's like you're a nine-year-old.
Amy: Oh.
Kelly: [on video] Well, they're fun, Jonah.

Quote from Glenn

Garrett: Hey, Glenn, there's a customer here who wants to talk to a manager.
Glenn: Okay. [takes phone] Hello. Glenn Sturgis speaking.
Man: Yes, this is Martin Nestle.
Glenn: Well, hello, Mr. Nestle. [to Garrett] Trace this call.
Garrett: Yeah, I don't have that technology.
Man: [on the phone] I signed up for a Blue Card and I think I may have given the wrong email.
Glenn: Okay, well, thank you for calling to tell us. [to Garrett] Are you tracing this call?
[Garrett puts one finger over his ear like he's listening intently with an ear piece and gives Glenn a thumbs up]

Quote from Jeff

Jeff: Look, Amy, are you going through some kind of a midlife crisis, is that it?
Garrett: Is that a new earring?
Jeff: Yes, it's a peace sign.

Page 2