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Angels and Mermaids

‘Angels and Mermaids’

Season 3, Episode 11 -  Aired January 25, 2018

Amy tries to help Cheyenne stand up to her mother. Glenn and Dina end up in a contractual dispute over the surrogacy. Meanwhile, Jonah is surprised by some of Kelly's beliefs.

Quote from Dina

Glenn: "Surrogate shall be reimbursed for all tailoring expenses"?
Dina: I'm gonna have to have my clothes converted to maternity clothes and then converted back after.
Glenn: "In the event of a baby over eight pounds, lessee will reimburse leaser for vaginal reconstruction."
Dina: Hey, I was happy to have a gentleman's agreement. You're the one who wanted to get all formal about it.
Glenn: I'm gonna have to take some time to review these changes.
Dina: Sure, oh, FYI, clauses 30-49 are all vag-related, and the last page is the before photos.


Quote from Cheyenne

Cheyenne: Amy, you're old, right?
Amy: Um...
Cheyenne: Like you were alive during the '90s.
Amy: Yeah, I was. Yep, the roaring '90s.
Cheyenne: So, what would you say would be the best piñata for a Green Day-themed birthday party for a two-year-old?
Amy: Um, okay. Let's back that up real quick. Harmonica's into Green Day?
Cheyenne: [scoffs] I doubt she's ever heard of them. She's two. But it's my mom's favorite band, and it's just easier not to argue with her.
Amy: Wouldn't your mom be okay with something a little more kid-friendly? Like, I don't know, "Minions"?
Cheyenne: She just got out of jail. Minions are criminals. That could suck her right back in to the lifestyle.
Amy: Good point.

Quote from Amy

Amy: All right, well, what about, like, mermaids?
Cheyenne: I don't know. My mom really wants Green Day.
Amy: Mermaids are a lot like Green Day. They're half-fish, half-human, they're like rebels. You know, down for whatever. In fact, they used to call Green Day the mermaids of '90s rock.
Cheyenne: Is that true?
Amy: Mm-hmm. It's totally true.

Quote from Marcus

Marcus: I wish I were a mermaid. I would clean up.
Kelly: I think you'd be a mer-man.
Amy: Yeah, I don't really buy mermen as a thing.
Cheyenne: Then how did they use to, you know... [bleep]? Unless that's why they went extinct.
Marcus: [scoffs] They didn't go extinct. They lost their tails over the course of centuries and turned into humans. It's called evolution.
Jonah: I don't think so.
Marcus: Okay, fine, God made us.

Quote from Jonah

Amy: "I'm her actual mother." What does that even mean?
Jonah: Hard to say. It either means she's the one who gave birth to her, or... that's the only thing that it means.
Amy: Well, it doesn't give her the right to just swoop in, and start changing up perfectly good shirts, and perfectly good parties. I mean, mermaids is a better theme than Green Day. Like, that's an objective fact, right?
Jonah: I like Green Day.
Amy: Really? Name three of their songs.
Jonah: "Boulevard of Broken Dreams," "Good Riddance," "When I Come Around."
Amy: Okay, well, those are the obvious ones... name three more.
Jonah: "Basket Case," "Longview," "American Idiot."
Amy: You are a very irritating person.
Jonah: I just don't think that you should butt in.
Amy: You... you butt in all the time. That's why your butt is so big.
Jonah: "Welcome to Paradise." "Wake Me Up When September Ends." I love Green Day.

Quote from Cheyenne

Cheyenne: I don't want to do a Green Day party.
Brandi: I thought I asked you to mind your own business.
Amy: This is all Cheyenne, I'm just here for support.
Cheyenne: But she agrees with me, okay? Green Day is dumb. And you know what? I'm not going to college.
Amy: What? Huh? No, we didn't talk about that.
Brandi: Cheyenne, you're going to college.
Cheyenne: No, I'm not. Just 'cause you're my mom doesn't mean that you get to tell me what to do. Right, Amy?
Amy: Um, I mean, in general, that seems true...
Cheyenne: See? She agrees. I'm an adult, and I make my own decisions. And so, I'm gonna buy a motorcycle, or, I don't know, a monkey, maybe both.
Amy: Um, could we just quickly go back to the college thing...
Cheyenne: You don't get to tell me what to eat, either! So if I want to eat peyote, I am gonna eat all the peyote I want. And I'm getting a full-sized back tattoo of the raccoon from Guardians of the Galaxy, okay? 'Cause I love that movie, and...

Quote from Marcus

Marcus: So you're saying reindeers actually exist, like, in the real world?
Mateo: We had a reindeer in the store on Christmas.
Marcus: I didn't think it was a real reindeer. I thought it was a normal deer with antlers nailed to its head.

Quote from Justine

Justine: You know what should be in mythical? A man who knows where the G-spot is.
Mateo: Justine, contribute, or leave.
Marcus: It's the third time you've made that joke.

Quote from Dina

Glenn: Dina, I'd like you to meet my new surrogate. She's ready to rock. Isn't that right, Sandra?
Sandra: Yeah, I'm really excited. And I have no problem signing all the paperwork, so let's do it.
Dina: Sandra, mm-hmm. You're gonna go with Sandra?
Glenn: Mm-hmm.
Dina: You are gonna leave your baby at the mercy of a person whose judgment is so bad she moved from Hawaii to St. Louis?
Glenn: Yes, I am. And as soon as I give Sandra the shot, our deal is over.

Quote from Dina

Amy: I just can't believe you guys are making a baby. You don't even like each other.
Dina: If I wanted to avoid doing things with people I hate, I would literally never leave my house. And believe me, I am only doing it for the money.
Glenn: And believe me, if there was any other usable, affordable womb within 1,000 miles of here, I would not be using hers.
Jonah: It just sucks that you have to get so many shots.
Dina: Well, I had the option of taking them orally.
Glenn: Then why did you pick shots? [wails]
Dina: That's why.

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