Dina: All right, in order for this to work, it is critical that we run at the crow at exactly the same speed, 8 miles per hour, got it?
Mateo: Yes, ma'am.
Dina: All right.
Mateo: Actually, I don't know how fast that is.
Dina: Sorry, sometimes I forget you're Asian. 13 kilometers per hour.
Mateo: I still don't...
Dina: It's 240 steps a minute.
Mateo: That doesn't mean anything to me.
Dina: Well, I don't know how to make it any clearer.
Mateo: You're just saying just run pretty fast, right?
Dina: "Pretty fast" is a relative term. What's your resting heart rate?
Mateo: I have no idea.
Dina: God, we're gonna have to figure it out now. Okay, take your pulse for ten seconds. You're gonna multiply that number by six.

Jonah: Okay, look, I'm not... I'm not, like, against weapons as a whole. I fenced in college, but there's...
Garrett: [laughs] Okay.
Jonah: What? What are you doing?
Garrett: Oh, I'm keeping a list of all the crazy white-person stuff you say. Oh, fencing, that's definitely going on there.
Jonah: What else is on there?
Garrett: Oh, it's long. I got wearing boat shoes, BBC America, makes his own trail mix...
Jonah: You love my trail mix.

Myrtle: I don't wanna sell rice anymore. It doesn't taste like anything. And Oriental...

Dina: Yeah, that should do it. All right, just dump that in the cart there. Okay, that should draw her out.
Mateo: How do you know it's a woman?
Dina: I'm glad you asked, Mateo. Birds don't have genitalia as we're familiar with. They have internal penises called cloacas.
Mateo: Okay.
Dina: And when they become very engorged... [a murder of crows fly into the store] Look, I'm gonna give it to you straight. This is bad.

Garrett: [to a crow] He calls shrimps "prawns." Spent his Sunday walking to a farmers' market. He's been to, like, all the renaissance fairs. Referred to the day he ate a hamburger as a cheat day.

Jonah: Oh, so I get put on Instruments of Death duty and you get picking up pizzas.
Amy: Adam's taking Emma on a Girl Scouts camping trip, and I have the whole weekend to myself.
Jonah: And you know what? There is nothing cooler than spending two days at home alone with 12 French bread pizzas.
Amy: I'm not gonna eat all of them...
Jonah: Okay, good.
Amy: But what if I burn one, Jonah? Or what if there's a manufacturer's cheese error?
Jonah: Does that happen?
Amy: I've worked two doubles in a row this week. I need my pizzas to be perfect.

Amy: Just me, the couch, some Cloud 9 brand wine...
Jonah: A Neuage Neuf classique, of course.
Amy: And some amazing movies.
Jonah: Oh, there's a Danish drama on Netflix that...
Amy: [mimics buzzer] Wrong answer. I'm thinking mid-'90s rom-com, like Freddie Prinze Jr. takes the nerd to the prom because underneath those glasses, she's really beautiful, Jonah. She's beautiful.
Jonah: It sounds like you got the whole thing figured out, and you deserve it, so you go off and have fun. But I'm just gonna throw this out there, Garrett and I are gonna watch some basketball later... [Amy mimics buzzer] You want to be alone.
Amy: Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
Jonah: Got it. Have fun.

Garrett: Forget safety... I say we pull the fire alarm, clear out the store, turn up the heat, make the whole place a oven, problem solved.
Dina: Whoa, easy, that's a little violent.
Mateo: Yeah, psycho, why would anyone want to hurt a bird?
Garrett: Okay, A) 'cause they're dirty flying dinosaurs. And B) You don't need any other reasons.
Dina: No one is hurting the crow. They are amazing creatures that recognize human face and they throw each other funerals.
Mateo: Funerals.
Garrett: Why would you give me that information? That doesn't calm me down!

Amy: Gabby is in soft lines, Elias, grocery, Jonah, you're at the gun counter.
Jonah: Oh, uh... Oh. Can I switch with somebody? It's just... I don't really believe in guns. I mean, I'm just... kind of against selling them or buying them or owning them.

Dina: You don't have a gun?
Jonah: No, what do I need a gun for?
Dina: Home security. Hunting. I mean, without guns, how are you gonna properly start a drag race? [mimics cocking gun] Vaya con dios, amigos.