Dina: The baby's in a sack anyway. I'm just suggesting we take out that sack, and stuff it into someone else. Maybe Sandra.
Amy: Yeah, I don't think that technology exists.
Dina: What technology? I'm talking about moving a bag of garbage from the kitchen to the side of the house.
Glenn: Bag of garbage?
Amy: You can't just move it. It's attached to things.
Dina: Fine, fine, that's just one idea. We can come up with something else.

Jonah: Oh, great, working next to Amy. I can't wait to be scowled at.
Dina: No! You do not talk to my best friend that way.
Amy: No, Dina-
Dina: Butt out, Amy. Listen to me, you rejected American Girl doll. You think you're so great? Your boyish good looks aren't gonna age well. You're hitting a wall, pretty boy, at a hundred miles an hour. Yeah, you can already see it. The crow's feet, receding hairline, hunchback. To think I used to masturbate to you.
Amy: Oh.
Dina: Multiple times a day.

Glenn: It must be my fault. It's like they say, the fish rots from the head.
Dina: What are you talking about?
Glenn: It's the expression. Fish rots from the head.
Dina: I've never heard of that. Why would it rot from the head first? It would all rot simultaneously.
Glenn: The point is, if things are toxic here, it's my job to fix it.
Dina: If anything, the guts would rot first, they're full of feces. Where are you getting this head thing? I mean, whoever told you that was not an ichthyologist.
Glenn: I don't care how a fish rots.
Dina: Well, I don't care for you spreading lies about fish.
Glenn: How is that a lie?

Dina: What the hell was that?
Garrett: This same song keeps playing over and over again, and it's starting to drive me crazy.
Dina: Oh, I like hearing the same song. You always know what you're getting, no surprises. My workout mix is just 12 tracks of Billy Joel's "For the Longest Time." Well, that's on leg days. On arm days it's "Scenes From an Italian Restaurant."

Justine: Maybe you could be a bike messenger.
Dina: Uh, like Joseph Gordon-Levitt in Premium Rush? I think I'll pass on being chased around by a corrupt cop because I'm unknowingly delivering $50,000 to a Chinese human trafficker, thanks.
Garrett: What are you trying to do, get her killed?
Dina: What about scuba cop? Is that a job?
Jonah: I don't think I see that listed here.
Dina: It's a pass anyway.
Jonah: Ah.
Dina: Too worried about the bends.

Dina: Ah, it's great. T-shirt activism. Anytime we cash in on a cause, it always means cha-ching, cha-ching. That's a cash register.
Jonah: Yeah, maybe it's a little calculated, but it's... It's promoting gender equality. That's... That's a good thing.
Dina: Well, let's take a look. Yup, $12.99. The similar style in the men's department: $7.99.
Jonah: Well, the... glitter's probably pretty expensive.
Dina: Oh, wake up, Jonah, this is the pink tax in action. Women have to pay more for clothes, razors, deodorant... I mean, that's why I use dog shampoo. 'Cause I know the truth. But I mean, this is great. We're gonna sell a ton of these. You should be very proud of yourself.

Amy: Try a free sample of our new salsa, sir? [man walks by] It's good.
Dina: Nope, absolutely not. People are not gonna buy salsa from you unless they think it's authentic. You got to add some "indigenous-ness." You know? Just put a little Vergara on it. [as Sofia Vergara] You want to buy some salsa? Is for charity! Oh, Jay, thank you for my necklace!
Amy: No, stop it. I'm not going to put on a fake accent and I'm not gonna make up fake charities.
Dina: The charity is real. Yeah, check it out. All the proceeds go to the La Benevolencia Orphanage in Los Nogales, Mexico. There's a different child on every jar. I think it's a collect 'em all situation.
Amy: Well, fine, that's great. That's a very worthy cause, but I think my dignity is worth a little bit more than a few bucks for charity.
Dina: Ah, these are all Juan S's. I've already got that one. Oh, score, Luisa M.! She was born without knees, but she loves to dance. Must be mostly upper body stuff.

Cheyenne: To get a sense of what our child's life would be like with you, what's your neighborhood like?
Glenn: Picket fences. Good schools.
Dina: Are you familiar with a gang called "Los Guapos"? It's their turf, but, uh, we have an understanding. So I assume that would extend to my baby as well.

Dina: Ma'am, you realize that candy from strangers can contain razor blades and heroin needles, right?
Woman: I'm sorry?
Glenn: Dina, again, I did not put heroin needles in the candy.
Dina: I'm not saying you did. I'm just saying, best-case scenario: Free chocolate bar. Worst-case scenario: Trainspotting.
Woman: Okay. Thanks anyway.
Dina: That's what I thought.

Dina: Oh, gosh, Syd, I guess if I was pressed, I'd have to say Buzz Aldrin, Bruce Lee, or Murphy Brown.