Jonah: Look, all I'm saying is with a little effort it's not that hard to get people to like you.
Dina: I really don't care if people like me.
Jonah: Okay, but... don't you find it hard being a boss to people... that resent you? [employees snicker]
Dina: You do raise a good point.
Jonah: Yeah.
Dina: I watch a lot of Dog Whisperer DVDs and it's always easier to train a bitch who enjoys your scent.
Jonah: That's exactly what I meant.

Garrett: I think Glenn's kid is getting hungry. Do we have any more of that formula?
Dina: She doesn't drink formula, she's still on breast-milk. I've been pumping and selling it to Glenn for a dollar an ounce. It's Iranian saffron prices.

Dina: All the best wars are fought against someone.
Amy: That feels random.
Jonah: All wars are fought against someone.
Dina: Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
Jonah: No, I'm saying "all" wars.
Dina: Yeah, all the best wars.
Jonah: What are the best wars?
Dina: 1812, WWI, WWII, French Indy.
Amy: Although, if they started trash talking us first...
Jonah: Okay, what wars are you not fighting against someone?
Dina: War against poverty, war against drugs. Boom. Don't come at me.

Dina: You know that we're liable for any assaults that take place tonight, right?
Glenn: I-
Dina: [to Cheyenne] Now, you need to set up in the very center of the floor, okay? We need to keep the hotties in the middle, make them harder to get to. That's how wolves protect their hottest wolves.
Cheyenne: Okay.
Dina: Listen, I'm gonna do everything in my power to make sure you make it through the night alive, okay?
Cheyenne: Oh, all right, thanks, Dina.
Dina: You know, we should really tie bells to some of the creeps so we can hear them coming.

Dina: Listen, technology has been taking jobs for years. Think about what happened with bank tellers and ATM machines.
Jonah: It's just ATMs.
Dina: Exactly. It's only ATM machines now.
Jonah: No, you don't need the "machines."
Dina: Nobody needs the machines, but it makes our lives easier.

Dina: You don't even have to give money to make a difference. I donate my hair to chemo patients.
Cheyenne: Don't you have to grow your hair really long?
Dina: No, anytime I get a trim, I just sweep it into an envelope and mail it to the hospital.
Amy: You send them tiny bits of your hair? What do they do with that?
Dina: Whatever they want, Amy. It's their hair now.
Glenn: Aww.

Garrett: Okay, just keep it simple. Take him out to a nice dinner.
Dina: I don't even know what a nice dinner is. Is it a hot soup followed by a cold soup? Is it a place that gives you bread? Is it a place that wants you to bring your own bread?
Garrett: What are you talking about? You've had dinner before.
Dina: Not as a girlfriend!
Garrett: It's very similar!

Dina: All right, campers, listen up. I've got an important announcement. This is your garden variety generic decongestant. And this is crystal meth, okay? The tweakers use this to make this. So stop selling them this, so they can't make this.
Cheyenne: That guy told me he had a really bad cold.
Dina: He was buying 35 boxes, Cheyenne. That should have been a red flag, okay? Use your noggin.
Glenn: Let's thank Dina for that helpful tip of the day. Thank you, Dina.
Garrett: Am I the only one that thinks it's weird that she walking around with a bag of crystal meth?

Jonah: I wonder if they'll send one here.
Dina: A secret shopper? [scoffs] I'd know. I can always sniff out a fake. The only way a secret shopper's getting past me is if he doesn't even know he's a secret shopper. Like Harrison Ford in Blade Runner.
Garrett: I'm gonna say this one more time. Deckard was not a replicant.
Dina: Then explain the friggin' unicorn!
Garrett: Director's Cut doesn't count!
Dina: I can't listen to the Blade Runner debate one more time.

Dina: Condolence cards, huh? Bummer. Who died?
Man: Uh, a friend of mine.
Dina: Hmm. You don't look very upset. Probably not that good a friend. Can I see a death certificate?
Man: I-I don't think I need a death certificate just to buy a card.
Dina: Well, well, well. Look who knows a lot about Cloud 9 store policies. What was your friend's name?
Man: I don't understand...
Dina: How did he die? What did he love? What kind of music was he into? Billy Joel? Everybody's into Billy Joel. Was he a vegetarian or normal? The kind of guy you trust with a lot of money or...
Man: Enough, all right? I see what you're doing, and you're right. By the end, I didn't really know him anymore. May- Maybe I never really knew him. The point is, I wasn't there for him when he needed me the most. [walks off sobbing]
Dina: Hmm. [to a man buying a Bar Mitzvah card] Funny. You don't look Jewish.