Mateo: So, then I go, "I'm undocumented," and then Jeff goes, "That's why you dumped me?" And I go, "Yeah," and he goes, "Whoa," and I go, "Mm-hmm."
Cheyenne: And what'd he go?
Mateo: He was... weird. He said he didn't know what to do and he just left. I mean, what if he hates me?
Cheyenne: He doesn't hate you.
Mateo: He might. For all I know, he's reported me by now.
Cheyenne: I'm sure he didn't. If he did, then, you know, a bunch of guys in uniform would've busted in here by now all like, "Everyone, down on the ground! Black-bag that guy and throw him in the van." Soldiers would pop out of the ceiling, and just start pounding on you, like, knee to the face, knee to the head, crotch-punch, crotch-punch! And then, you'd probably get sent to Guantanamo.
Mateo: Uh-huh. Probably.
Cheyenne: Man, how weird are sponges?

Jonah: So, I know this may come as a surprise, but I actually got teased a lot in middle school.
Amy: [gasps] No.
Jonah: Yeah, I don't know if it was the rattail or the eighth grade talent show where I did a Bossa Nova rendition of "Material Girl" on alto sax...
Amy: That. It was that.
Jonah: But the moment I stopped fighting it and... and actually just laughed along with them, it wasn't fun for them anymore.
Amy: Mm.
Jonah: They started teasing this fat kid instead, which, long story short, he's a male model now.
Amy: Wow. You're really the hero of that story.
Jonah: I guess so.

Sandra: Uh-oh, hope I'm not interrupting anything. [rubs finger over back of hand]
Jonah: What is that?
Sandra: Sex.
Amy: No, it's not. I think you mean this.
[Amy and Jonah show an index finger going in and out of a thumb/index finger circle on the other hand]
Sandra: Oh, like this?
Jonah: Yeah, there you go.
Sandra: Oh...
[All three keep making the gesture]
Jonah: This is nice.

Cheyenne: There's a hat rule, "not allowed."
Garrett: Okay, we're not just hatting this. There has to be something in-between maiming someone and putting on a fedora.
Cheyenne: "Employees should avoid discussing racial issues, including positive comments such as, 'I for one am proud of this Mexican's achievements.'"
Garrett: Most of this stuff is stuff I don't wanna do or doesn't even apply. "A female employee's skirt shall start below the knee, and her bosom shall be fully covered"?
Cheyenne: That's a rule?
Garrett: Yeah.
Cheyenne: Most days, I don't even wear underwear, mainly 'cause mentioning that gets me free donuts from whoever's working café.
Garrett: Couldn't you just lie about that?
Cheyenne: They would know. I would know.

Pastor Craig: And I don't care what you've done. God hates the sin, but he loves the sinner. Example: Sandra... Who is Sandra? Where is, uh... [Sandra meekly raises her hand] All right. Now, Sandra, it... it says here that you wanna kill a coworker named Carol.
Sandra: Yeah.
Pastor Craig: Oh. Oh, Sandra, I understand. When I'm frustrated, I wanna wring someone's neck.
Sandra: Exactly. Wring it hard.
Pastor Craig: So, what do you do? What do you do when that feeling comes over you?
Sandra: Well, I... put on a hoodie that covers my face. Then I take the 47 bus line to a library in a far-away town. Then I open a private browser on one of their computers, and Google how I'm thinking of killing her to see what mistakes people usually make.
Pastor Craig: Jesus.

Jonah: Look, Amy is not my soul mate, okay? Yes, fine, uh, when I first started working here years ago, I... I had a little crush on Amy. There, I said it. Okay? Are you happy?
Amy: Exactly. And at one point, I had a crush on Jonah, and that's all in the past.
Jonah: Exactly. Wait, what did... you... when did you... did... what... you... yeah... no. Never mind. Doesn't matter, doesn't matter, because if... even if we... because it... with the timing and everything, it's... yeah, so, you get it. So... stop. [chuckles]
Sandra: He didn't know.
Corey: Do you still love each other?
Jonah: Wh... What?
Amy: No! We never... [stammers] we've moved on.
Jonah: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. And, you know... [stammers] and...... anyway, it... it... it doesn't matter, bec... we've... we've all, you know... and... and... and besides, you know, I've...... I'm with... I've got... I'm with, um...
Kelly: Kelly.
Jonah: I'm with Kelly. Yeah, no, I... I... I know your name, obviously.

Garrett: I think we may have stumbled onto a Purge type situation. We can break one rule today with no consequences.
Cheyenne: Oh... like, we could wear hats. That's against dress code.
Garrett: Okay, so you could do anything you want, and you wanna waste it on a hat?
Cheyenne: Okay, um... how 'bout we steal a boat?
Garrett: Well, we don't sell boats, but I like that you're thinking bigger.
Cheyenne: Right. Also, I just remembered, I get kinda seasick, so the boat thing is definitely a no-go.
Garrett: Okay, well, we were never gonna do the boat thing, but cool.
Cheyenne: Okay.

Glenn: But Dina was right. We are all monsters, who love to watch bum fights or put gross stuff in each other's lunches.
Sandra: Oh, I know that Carol messes with my lunch. That's why I always make a decoy lunch.
Carol: You don't think I know about the decoy lunch?

Sandra: So, you know how me and Carol hate each other... well, I hate her. Actually, she looks up to me. Anyway, I paid four different guys to come into the store and ask her out and then never show up.
Dina: Nice.

Carol: I've been doing things to Sandra's lunch.