Dr. Cox: That's a great diagnosis.
Elliot: What are her chances?
Dr. Cox: We've done all we can. Now she needs a new liver, we just... got to hope she gets one on time.
[fairy tale:]
Dr. Cox: [v.o.] And with the monster gone, all was once again well in Sacred Heartia. The Turla made peace with itself. Beautiful kites were flown. And the knight rode off to fight again. And the idiot and the princess? Well, they decided that their almost-kiss meant nothing. Because in the end, they were both idiots.
Jack: [v.o.] What about the maiden?
Dr. Cox: [v.o.] What do you think, Jack? She lived happily ever after.
[present, reality:]
Dr. Cox: Go to sleep. I love you very much.
Jordan: So?
Dr. Cox: So what?
Jordan: So did the girl make it? Did she get her liver in time? Is that how it really ended?
Dr. Cox: Let's just say, that's the way I'm telling it.

Dr. Cox: Why would you pass off your interns?
J.D.: I just- I can't deal with them anymore.
Dr. Cox: Really? Because I had an intern just a couple of years back that I hated. Honestly, he was so maddening that my therapist put me on a suicide/homicide watch.
J.D.: Do I know this intern?
Dr. Cox: Intimately.
J.D.: I figured.
Dr. Cox: This is a teaching hospital. You have to teach.
J.D.: I know. I'm just- I'm- I'm so tired of their attitude and I'm tired of their ignorance. It's the same thing year after year. I'm just... tired.
J.D.: [v.o.] Here comes the tongue-lashing.
Dr. Cox: Well, I get that. Why do you think I've been avoiding the new chief? Because if I do talk to her, and she is indeed a jerk, then once again, I'm gonna have to be that guy who gets in her face over every little injustice. But you wanna know something? I'm tired, too.

Turk: I don't understand. If I'm the best surgeon here, how come you're always looking over my shoulder?
Dr. Cox: Oh, give me a break, would you? Saying someone is "the best surgeon" is like saying someone is the smartest cast member of The Hills. Let's face it. It's just not that tough to float to the top of the surgical toilet. Take your fellow-cutter, The Todd. Now, he's also deemed competent enough to perform a kidney transplant on that gentleman right there. Yet observe. Say, Todd? What's for lunch today?
Todd: I'm not sure, bro.
Dr. Cox: This time, I'll just move my lips as if I was speaking and his tiny surgeon brain will tell him the glass is now just too darn thick to hear through. [knocks, mouths words]
Todd: Can't hear you through the glass, dude!

Carla: So maybe you don't like him because he freaky stoner weirdo.
Dr. Cox: No, surprisingly that tickles me.
Carla: Did he say "Back in the day"?
Dr. Cox: No.
Carla: Did he say "Back in the dizz-ay"?
Dr. Cox: No.
Carla: Did he call you Dr. C?
Dr. Cox: He did, but I liked it.
Carla: Does he like Hugh Jackman?
Dr. Cox: Wrong again. You suck at this.

J.D.: [v.o.] There's nothing worse than running into a sworn enemy first thing in the morning.
Dr. Cox: [on the phone] Well, if that's the case, Fred, just put him on blood thinners.
Dr. Kelso: Excuse me, Perry. You don't have a phone. You're just holding your hand to your ear.
Dr. Cox: Fred, I gotta go. He's gonna make me talk to him. Sure, I'll- I'll pass it on. ["hangs up"] Fred says you are a tool.
Dr. Kelso: I got nothing. That's a good one.
Dr. Cox: Thank you.

Dr. Kelso: Well, about time, champ. Beer me.
Dr. Cox: No problem. Just remember our deal. I bring the beer and you don't tell anybody that we are now spending time together.
Dr. Kelso: You're the new Chief, I'm the old Chief who better to guide you through it?
Dr. Cox: I was gonna hit floor and be a doctor like I have my entire career.
Dr. Kelso: Well, you kiss that idea good-bye. I spent so much time behind that desk dealing with red tape, my behind still has the imprint of the chair. You want to see? Since we're friends now, I can show you my butt.
Dr. Cox: Bob, I saw it 5 years ago at Nurse Roberts' above-ground pool party and I am still recovering. Honest to God, there are times when I close my eyes, and it's just there.

J.D.: Look, my pneumonia patient is being discharged, and he's not ready. If he goes home now, he could develop ARDS, he could relapse, even fall and break his hip. I need you to keep him in here longer.
Dr. Cox: Can't do it. The Board knows I pull strings for patients, and they're all over my ass. I gotta stay below the radar for a while.
J.D.: Okay, you know what? We're cool.
Dr. Cox: No, we're not cool.
J.D.: [v.o.] What? Why aren't we cool? Oh, must be because we're super cool. Ask him. Is it because-
Dr. Cox: And no, we're not super cool. Look, you seem to think that just because I have this new job, that suddenly I don't realize that the patients come first. That I've somehow forgotten what matters. For the love of God, I taught you what matters. You arrogant, pretentious, self-righteous, little jackass. [to the Janitor] Are you hammering in the perfect spots for emphasis?
Janitor: I was trying to, yeah.
Dr. Cox: Well, it's just terrific. Thank you for that. [to J.D.] And you, get the hell out of my office.

Dr. Kelso: So, why are you so afraid to get all up in Dr. Cox's grill?
J.D.: We both know we can occasionally be somewhat of a vengeful person.
[meanwhile, The Janitor is uncomfortably stood on the couch in Dr. Cox's office as he holds the painting up to the wall]
Janitor: This is demeaning.
Dr. Cox: I know, but that's where I want the picture for the rest of the day.

Carla: J.D., good news, Cox just added two new negative pressure rooms. Great job wearing him down.
J.D.: [v.o.] But still, with Dr. Cox, winning has ramifications.
Jack: Janice, you have one ugly baby. Seriously.
J.D.: Did you actually teach your son to be mean to a baby?
Dr. Cox: Not just any baby, but your baby. Come here, Jackie Boy! We're going to get 10,000 jelly beans. I love you so much.
J.D.: [to Sammy] They can both be so hurtful.

J.D.: Look, I know you and Craig have a history, but I'm sure you're swamped. I don't mind taking this one.
Dr. Cox: No no, Craig was my patient before, so he'll be my patient now. Plus, if you don't treat him, then he gets to get home not smelling like cocoa butter.
J.D.: Mock away, but do you think it's an accident that I have the complexion of a 12-year-old Greek boy?
Dr. Cox: Don't get me wrong, I still want you to be a big part of Craig's treatment team. Say hum, Craig? Is there anything you want Dr. Puberty Beard to go get for you?
Craig: A root beer, please.
Dr. Cox: Nice to have you on board.