J.D.: [v.o.] As for my family, we had our own way of breaking the news.
Dan: Hey, little brother.
J.D.: [v.o.] We did it with cake.
J.D.: What happened?
Dan: What, a guy can't take three days off work, travel eight hundred miles on a bus with a double-layer fudge cake just to say, "Hey, how're things?"
J.D.: Dan.
Dan: Dad died.
J.D.: There's ice cream in the fridge.

Turk: How you doing, buddy?
J.D.: I don't know it hasn't really hit me yet.
Dan: Oh, it will eventually. But don't worry when it does, Big Bro' will be there. [J.D. laughs] What? What is it?
J.D.: Dan, I love you, but being there for people isn't really yo' thang.
Dan: No, that was Old Dan. Look at me: this is New Dan! I'm totally here for you.
[cut to Dan drinking beers in the bathtub]
J.D.: Dan, you've been in here for, like, nine hours: you okay?
Dan: Well, I'd feel a lot better if you could give that ol' "H" knob there a little twist. Body temp's a bit low. [sighs] Now I can feel my tootsies.

J.D.: [v.o.] Whenever someone close to you dies, it's important to keep your head above water.
J.D.: Dan.
Dan: I'm up.
J.D.: You know, it wasn't exactly easy showering with you in there.
Dan: Well, it wasn't exactly easy for me, either. You have Dad's butt.
J.D.: You think you'll get out of the tub today?
Dan: Yeah, today doesn't look good by the way, could you get me another beer?
J.D.: No, look, I put a six-pack for you in the toilet.
Dan: Ooh.
J.D.: I gotta go to work!
Dan: Okay, little brother, call me if you need anything. I mean, anything from this particular area.

Dan: Hey, you want a beer?
J.D.: Abso-tively.
Dan: [drinks one can] Bathwater. [another] Backwash. [another] Here you go.
J.D.: Oh, thank you. [J.D. tosses the can in the toilet]

J.D.: [v.o.] Cookie racism aside, I had bigger problems. It had been three weeks since our dad died, and my brother Dan was still staying with me.
Dan: Boy, nothing like a little time off to remind you how hard you been working, huh?
J.D.: You bar tend three shifts a week.
Dan: Two. They dropped me one for doinking the Jell-o shot girl.

J.D.: [v.o.] Since I had dumped Elliot and broke her heart, she couldn't really be there for me. But thankfully she was there for my brother.
Elliot: You doing okay?
Dan: I am now. You know, without Elliot, I never would have gotten through my dad's death.
J.D.: Our dad's death.
Dan: Right. [to Elliot] Air-hockey?

J.D.: [v.o.] The key to sleeping in the on-call room is to block out the noises around you like snoring, teeth-grinding, or even on-call room nookie. Hello, my old friend, how I've missed you.
Elliot: That's feel good.
J.D.: [v.o.] Yes, it does. Time out, male moaning! Party's over. [turns lights on]
Dan: Hey! [J.D. falls off the top bunk] Hey, little brother.

Dan: [singing, badly] She's gone! She's gone! Oh, why? Oh, why. Better learn how to f-face it. She's gone, she's gone! Oh, why! Oh, why! What went wrong?!
J.D.: Don't you think you're overreacting?
Dan: [talking] No, J.D., I don't. Because Elliot was the best thing that ever happened to me and now she's gone. [singing] Ah, she's gone! She's gone. She's gone! She's gone she's gone.
J.D.: That's not even the right gibberish.

Dan: You know what, J.D.? Elliot and I were supposed to have a big romantic evening together, and look at all this stuff I bought. Candles. Champagne. A Dido CD. I guess I'll just throw these things out with rest of the garbage.
J.D.: Oh, come on, don't go. We can watch Kangaroo Jack and chug a Foster's every time they say "g'day".
Dan: G'day, J.D.
J.D.: Dan.
Dan: [Australian accent] I said g'day!

J.D.: [v.o.] And just like that, I had the chance to comfort Claire.
J.D.: You look like you need to be rescued.
J.D.: [v.o.] Life was good. But then came a surprise visit from my brother and a round of the game he likes to call Watch Her Leave.
Dan: There's no easy way to say this. We got the crabs.