Ben: It's not a negative ad. We're stating facts about him, and, yeah, they happen to be negative because he's a bonehead.
Leslie Knope: Well, I wanted to run an ad that highlights the good things about me, not the bad things about somebody else. Tom, you are our communications director. Weigh in here.
Tom: Leslie, I love your idea. I also love your idea. Two great ideas, two great people.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: I don't know which idea's better, but I do know I'll end up on the winning side. When I bet on horses, I never lose. Why? I bet on all the horses.

Donna: Where is Swanson?
Tom: Man, I'm hungry. My legs are tired. It feels like I just exercised.
Jerry: Just sit on the ground.
Tom: No, Jerry. It's dirty, and I'm wearing my summer linens.
Ann: God, you're such a baby. Look, I brought a picnic blanket from your house.
Tom: That's not a picnic blanket. That's a Merino wool throw for my Eames chair!

Ben: Okay, so I liked number one, Chris liked number two, and Ron liked number three. Tom, what about you?
Tom: Caterer number one's presentation was simple, mm, yet exhausting. Number two's was subtle and provocative, like a coy Dutch woman guarding a dark secret.
Ben: Nothing you're saying is helpful.
Tom: But number three's told a story. A story from a book I wouldn't read but I would watch the movie of.
Ben: [sighs] That's nonsense.

Tom: Here are the last of the Animal Control reports.
April: What are you doing, weirdo?
Tom: Just trying not to spill anything.
Ron Swanson: I believe Leslie said to organize these by year.
Tom: Way ahead of you. I made two pile files. [laughter] Pilo fibles. Ugh. Filo pilos.
Andy: Filo pilos? That's not right.
Donna: Are you broken?
Tom: No, everything's fine.
April: Well, I guess that settles who the new Jerry is.
Tom: No, it doesn't! I barely even said it wrong.
Andy: Said it wrong.
Tom: Stop it! [laughter]
[aside to camera:]
Tom: This is how it begins. The next "Jerry." One screwed-up sentence, and 30 years later, I'm wearing aquamarine sweater vests and listening to Bonnie Raitt and The Da Vinci Code on my iPod. It's already started.

Tom: I don't know about y'all, but Drink-ems seems pretty boring to me, not like H-2-flow.
Leslie Knope: Excuse me. I have several binders with very important data that I need to get through.
Tom: Well, miss, I think we'd all appreciate it if you just swallowed a teaspoon of hush. Think of H-2-flow as an app for your teeth. The more flow you take in, the more sparkle points you get. Get enough sparkle points, and you're on your way to your first aqua badge! Collect enough aqua badges, and we'll welcome you to the H-2-flow Platinum Club.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: I'm great at business, and I'm great at parks stuff. I'm like Picasso meets Michael Jordan. I can paint, but, uh, I can also be a world-class gambler.

Leslie Knope: Okay, you two, head on up there. We are gonna recreate your wedding photo from 50 years ago.
Mr. DeMarco: Okay, let's relive that day. Only this time could we shave her moustache? [chuckles]
Leslie Knope: Oh, boy. I don't know. I'm kind of worried about putting these two on live TV. They're sort of grumpy.
Tom: Why are we wasting our time with these old people anyway? They're like the old version of iTunes. We're like the new version of iTunes, baby. We're gonna be here forever. Oh, my God. I'm gonna die someday.

Tom: [aside to camera] I was actually only at my prom for 15 minutes. By the time I got my Armani suit pressed and got the little dimple on my tie just right, it was 11:45 P.M. My date was pretty pissed, but, uh, I looked fly as hell.

Tom: [sings] I'm tryin' to find the words to describe this girl Without bein' disrespectful
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Getting the book into Joan's book club will really help Leslie. But it'll also help my company, Entertainment 7Twenty. At the risk of bragging, one of the things I'm best at is riding coattails. Behind every successful man, is me, smiling and taking partial credit.

Leslie Knope: People have just really embraced this and planted the coolest stuff. And Tom is our master horticulturist. He knows all the scientific names for everything. Right, Tom?
Tom: Yeah.
Leslie Knope: Like this. What's this, Tom?
Tom: Those are, of course, tomatoes, or Soulja Boy Tell 'Ems.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Whenever Leslie asks me for the Latin names of any of our plants, I just give her the names of rappers.
[back:]
Leslie Knope: And those over there?
Tom: Uh, those are some Diddys. Those are some Bone Thugs-n-Harmony-ums right here.
Leslie Knope: Growing beautifully.
Tom: Those Ludacrises are coming in great.
Leslie Knope: Look, someone planted something new. What's this? What do you think, carrots? If that's true, we have a garden pest on our hands. Maybe some kind of spice?
Tom: Yeah. You know, Leslie, the best way to figure out what kind of spice that is, just roll it up into a joint and smoke it.

Tom: It could have been someone else that shot Ron. Someone not in our group.
Jerry: You think someone is hunting us?
Tom: Man is the most dangerous game.
Donna: To The Predator.
Tom: I did smell something out there. And it wasn't human.
Leslie Knope: That was pine trees.
Donna: The Predator can see heat.
Tom: We should cover ourselves in mud. It could still be out there.