Tom: [connect chime] Hello. Or should I say, "Selamat pagi!", as they say here in Bali?
Ann: The hell?
Leslie Knope: His book tour got cancelled, and it was supposed to end with a trip to Bali for him and Lucy.
Ann: How are you, Tom? I haven't gotten you on the phone tree for like a week.
Tom: Amazing. Just, uh, blitzing some entrepreneurial ideas. What do you think about this? Double-breasted pajamas.
Ann: No.
Tom: Protective masks with other people's teeth printed on them. Stay safe and look fresh as hell with Timothée Chalamet's smile?
Ann: That's just weird.
Tom: Teeny tiny iPads for each finger?
Leslie Knope: Dumb.
Tom: Lasagna... that's also toilet paper? [Ann sighs] Yeah, I might be going a little stir-crazy. Some of these came to me during my 11:00 p.m. nap. Isn't it weird time has no meaning anymore? Ooh. Is that something? A clock with dials that just move randomly?

Tom: So, how's it going? How's Joe?
Donna: I'm good. Joe's good. School is all online now, so he's teaching from home. Tom, have you ever witnessed someone trying to teach a group of young children something?
Tom: Nope. Based on my experiences playing Fortnite, children are terrifying and make you cry almost immediately.

Tom: [aside to camera] Councilman Jamm and I have gotten pretty tight. And I'm hoping to parlay this into a membership at the Pawnee Smokehouse, Pawnee's most exclusive cigar club. Overstuffed leather chairs, top-shelf brandies. And that stale tobacco stench that says, "Welcome to the top."

Tom: [aside to camera] I used to love Tiger Woods because he was a great champion. But after that sex scandal, the man is a god.

Jerry: We are really up a creek her. What the heck are we gonna do?
Tom: You mean what are you gonna do?
Jerry: No, what are do gonna you?
Tom: What am do gonna I? That's a great question, Jerry.

Ben: First stroke of luck we've had, and it's gone. Okay, well, we just have to work harder. I mean, good news is, we can call it a night and get a super-early start on our door-to-door tomorrow.
Tom: Ooh, that is great news. And, you know, we might even be able to make it back in time for boring club. Do you know who the president or boring club is?
Ben: Me?
Tom: Nope... You lost the election 'cause your speech was too boring.

April: This question is gross.
Tom: That's kind of the point. What's your answer?
April: In our bed, I guess.
Tom: Andy? Where's your boo's favorite place to smush?
Andy: At the Neutral Milk Hotel. [canned audience "Awws"]
April: Get over it.
Andy: No, you get over it. You like some other dude's band more than me. Do you even think that Mouse Rat is the greatest band in the world? 'Cause it's starting to not feel that way.
April: That band is really important to me, and, honestly, I've asked you to listen to them, like, a million times, and you never have, so...
Andy: 'cause their music is sad, and depressing, and weird. And art is supposed to be happy and fun, and everyone knows that. You know what? Whatever. Forget it. [audience groans]
April: Fine, forget it.
Tom: Damn! This game's got juice.