Tom: What are we trying to do with this catalog? We're trying to sell Pawnee on our summer classes. How do we do that? With one perfect, captivating image. April. Modern life. Where are we running? Sometimes what we want is not always where we are. Next slide. Are we alone? Is the real winter inside our hearts? We're all struggling for definition in a world that resists our inquiries.
Leslie Knope: Okay, this isn't gonna work for a number of reasons. One, this is a summer catalog. Two, that was complete gibberish. And three, that child looks like it's abandoned, so basically, boo.

Leslie Knope: Do you want to go to lunch?
Tom: Uh, no, I don't really feel like going to JJ's.
Leslie Knope: We can go anywhere. Your choice. I'm buying.
Tom: Can I get apps and 'serts?
[aside to camera:]
Tom: 'Serts are what I call desserts. Tray-trays are entrees. I call sandwiches Sammies, Sandoozles, or Adam Sandlers. Air conditioners are cool blasterz, with a "z." I don't know where that came from. I call cakes big old cookies. I call noodles long-ass rice. Fried chicken is fry-fry chicky-chick. Chicken parm is chicky-chicky parm-parm. Chicken cacciatore-- Chicky catch. I call eggs pre-birds or future birds. Root beer is super water. Tortillas are bean blankies. And I call forks... Food rakes.
[back:]
Leslie Knope: Yeah, you can get as many 'serts as you want.
Tom: Well, let's get in my go-go mobile.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Car.

Tom: Here's the sitch. I developed a dope new game show where I ask couples scandalous questions, and they have to guess what the other one answered. I call this Know Ya Boo.
Jerry: Oh, that sounds like The Newlywed Game.
Tom: Shut up, Jerry! It's not The Newlywed Game okay?
[aside to camera:]
Tom: It is totally The Newlywed Game. But big deal. Everyone steals. My favorite movie is Love Don't Cost a Thing, with Nick Cannon, which is based on Can't Buy Me Love, which is based on Kramer vs. Kramer or something, which I think was Shakespeare. Don't know, don't care.

Tom: [on the phone] Akash, buddy, of course I came to you first. You're the best carpet man in Pawnee. But here's my question. Do your carpets match your drapes? [laughs]
[aside to camera:]
Tom: How do you make any event classy on a budget? Red carpet. My entire apartment is red carpet. On top of that, leading into my bedroom, a second red carpet. Oh, what's this in my shoe? Red carpet insole. Everywhere I go, I'm walking on red carpet.

Ron Swanson: Yeah, I have a new idea. You need to purge all of this garbage from your system. Talk about all the things you do on those screens, and let the words just float away into the fresh air, and then we will be done.
Tom: Okay, worth a shot. Every day I start by hitting up Facebook, Twitter, tumblr, and Instagram. Sometimes I like to throw in LinkedIn, for the professional shorties.
Ron Swanson: See? That was easy.
Tom: Then I like to go on reddit. Reddit's great, 'cause it has all the important links you need.

Tom: Wikipedia, mankind's greatest invention. You can learn about anything. Take Ray J, for example. We all know he's a singer, he's Brandy's brother, and he was in that classic sex tape with Kim Kardashian, but did you also know he's Snoop Dogg's cousin and he was in the '96 Tim Burton movie Mars Attacks? Suddenly, you're on the Mars Attacks page. I love GChat. You can talk to anybody. I hit up Brad.Pitt. It wasn't the actor. It's actually a guy named Brad that's a teacher in Pittsburgh. We don't have a lot in common, but we chat quite a bit. "Emoji" are little cartoons you text instead of words. Instead of saying, "What up, boo?" You can type "What up," and then a cute, little ghost, 'cause that means "boo." There's even a little Indian guy, but he has a turban on, which I think is racist, but the Asian guy also has a racist hat on, and it's like, "Hold up, didn't Japanese people invent this?" Podcasts. There are a million of 'em, and they're all amazing. Jean-Ralphio and I have one called "Nacho Average Podcast," where we rate different kinds of nachos.

Tom: [aside to camera] The question I always ask myself is, what kind of mogul should I be? Fashion mogul, energy drink mogul. I even thought about downhill skiing. A mogul mogul. But a real estate mogul? Hmm. That's a hot mogul right now.

Leslie Knope: You're not from here, right?
Tom: No. I'm from South Carolina.
Leslie Knope: But you moved to South Carolina from where?
Tom: My mother's uterus.
Leslie Knope: But you were conceived in Libya, right?
Tom: Wow. No. I was conceived in America. My parents are Indian.
Leslie Knope: Where did the name 'Haverford' come from?
Tom: My birth name is Darwish Zubair Ismail Gani, and I changed it to Tom Haverford because, you know, brown guys with funny-sounding Muslim names don't make it really far in politics.
Leslie Knope: What about Barack Obama?
Tom: Okay, yeah, fine, Barack Obama. If I knew a dude named Barack Obama was going to be elected President, yeah, maybe I wouldn't have changed it.

Tom: [aside to camera] People in Eagleton are straight up mean to us. I would never set foot over there. But it's the only place that I can get my bumble and bumble hair care products, so I'm there every eight days.

Tom: Three words for you: Treat. Yo. Self.
Both: [sing] Treat yourself 2011.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Once a year, Donna and I spend a day treating ourselves. What do we treat ourselves to?
Donna: Clothes.
Tom: Treat yourself.
Donna: Fragrances.
Tom: Treat yourself.
Donna: Massages.
Tom: Treat yourself.
Donna: Mimosas.
Tom: Treat yourself.
Donna: Fine leather goods.
Tom: Treat yourself!
Donna: It's the best day of the year.
Both: [sing] The best day of the year.