Ron Swanson: However, the Pawnee Rangers were founded because some boys want to go out into nature and learn traditional survival skills without being distracted by girls.
Leslie Knope: Well, my awesome goddesses don't want to be distracted by losers. Say my club is better, Ron. Say it. My club is better. Say it. Come on. Say it's better. Say it. Say it's better. Say my club is better. Say it. Give it up. Whose club is better? Mine. Say it. You know it. Say it.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: On principal, I never say anything that another person is obviously trying to get me to say. My first wedding ceremony took two hours, because after the priest said "Repeat after me" I fell silent.

Ron Swanson: April! Listen, I was trying to buy this hand-crafted mahogany wood model of a B-25 Mitchell Panchito aircraft.
April: Aw, for me?
Ron Swanson: Don't sass me. And I went to this website, and this ad popped up that said "Hey, Ron Swanson! Check out this great offer."
April: What's your question?
Ron Swanson: My question is, what the hell?
April: Like, how did they know who you are?
Ron Swanson: Yeah.
April: Okay. Um, there are these things called cookies, where, like you go to a site and buy something, it'll remember you and then create ads for other stuff you might want to buy.
Ron Swanson: So it learns information? About me? That seems like an invasion of privacy.
April: Dude, if you think that's bad, go to Google Earth and type in your address.
[After looking at Google Earth, Ron goes outside and throws his computer in the dumpster]

Ron Swanson: Who or what is Penny Saver?
Tom: It's a free circular with a bunch of coupons in it.
Ron Swanson: This was sent to Ron Swanson at Diane's address, where I've lived for less than a month. How is that possible? This is an extreme invasion of privacy.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: The right to privacy is very important to me. My family has had a single P.O. box for several generations. We only ever subscribe to two magazines, Reader's Digest and Ebony. Ebony was due to a clerical error, but it ended up being an interesting year of reading.

Ron Swanson: Death does not scare me. What I am worried about is spoiling my children. I don't want 'em to be the kind of people who never work, live off their trust funds, who buy their wooden furniture. I will leave my children $50 apiece for the cab home from my funeral and a steak dinner, end of discussion.
Ben: Okay. I mean, look, it doesn't matter how much money you leave your kids. What matters is that you teach them the right values. But, if something horrible happens, and you want your kids to be left alone with no safety net, just so they can learn some kind of weird lesson, then, by all means, leave your fortune to the wild boar who gores you to death.
Ron Swanson: I'd never lose to a boar. [dart hits board]

Roscoe: Gryzzl is an outsider here in Pawnee, so a local celebrity is gonna make everyone feel more at ease with us. And that's why we called on you home court chillers to frack your braniums.
Tom: Since we're locals, they want us to think of ideas.
Ron Swanson: I got it from context.
Tom: Okay.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: I have no interest in consorting with celebrities. The only celebrities I recognize are furniture maker Garry Knox Bennett, designer of the notorious 16 Penny Nail Cabinet, and Magnus, the five-by-five bull elk I saw near my cabin two years ago. Took a shot at the bastard and he stuck his antlers through the door of my meat shed. One day, Magnus, I will wear you as a jacket.

Wendy: Hey. Ron.
Ron Swanson: Hello, Wendy. Well, you and Tom really turned the party around.
Wendy: Well, we have a good time together. Tom told me that you know about our green card marriage. And I just want to say thank you for not telling anyone.
Ron Swanson: No worries. I'd hate for you to have to go back to Canada. All that socialized medicine up there.

Ron Swanson: This is Ron. Go ahead, caller.
Woman: [on the line] Hi. My Yorkshire Terrier has chewed up the legs on my kitchen table. Is there a cheap way to repair that?
Ron Swanson: Great question. Take a walnut and rub it into the legs of your table. That'll mask the scratches. Next thing you want to do is ditch the Terrier and get yourself a proper dog. Any dog under 50 pounds is a cat, and cats are pointless. Come to the gala. Next caller. [cut] Grapes of Wrath, chocolate-chip ice cream, and Johnny Cash. [cut] Don't trust big banks or small banks. Banks are Ponzi schemes run by morons. [cut] Your house isn't haunted. You're lonely. [cut] Whatever happened to, "Hey, I have some apples. Would you like to buy them?" "Yes, thank you." That's as complicated as it should be to open a business in this country. [cut] I've seen three movies in my life: Bridge on the River Kwai, Patton, and Herbie Fully Loaded. My girlfriend's kids love it. It's pretty funny. Next caller.

Andy: Ron, hey, let me be your lawyer. I'll object to everything anyone says, trial will go on forever, you don't have to pay. Problem solved.
Ron Swanson: That's a kind offer, Andrew, but I won't be hiring an attorney. I'll represent myself, as I do in all legal matters and livestock auctions.

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] Diane suggested we "tag along to London" for a honeymoon. I agreed, because my love for her trumps my hatred for Europe. Then she hit a phase of morning sickness that knocked her for a loop and decided to stay home, but she insisted I go and take pictures for her. All of this could have been avoided if we'd followed my plan for a honeymoon: a steak dinner, a glass of Lagavulin whiskey, then vigorous lovemaking for two hours, and we're both asleep by 8:30.

Trevor Nelsson: Mr. Swanson, let's begin by filling out this form, listing your assets and liabilities.
Ron Swanson: Nice try. I'm not telling you how much money I have, where it's hidden, or which precious metals and/or gemstones it may or may not take the form of.