Leslie Knope: Is the coast clear?
Ann: What are you wearing?
Leslie Knope: My sneak-around clothes. Is he gone?
Ann: Yeah, he's gone. Come in. You gotta see this.
[aside to camera:]
Ann: Tom and I have been seeing each other for a few weeks, and... I think I'm ready to say, "I love you"... To his apartment.

Tom: Ann, what the hell?
Ann: [laughs] I put glitter in all your moisturizers and lotions. I'm calling it "Sparkle Skin", by Annie. Twinkle, twinkle, big star.
Tom: Ann! That is an amazing idea, and I will buy it from you, but never do that again. That was really expensive moisturizer.
Ann: Yeah, well, you ruined all of my clothes.
Tom: Well, then, I did you a huge favor, 'cause they stink.

Leslie Knope: I have an idea. Let's pretend that we're old people, and we can ask Ann our grossest, most perverted sex questions. I'll start. [old lady voice] I'm an old lady, why do I need birth control? I haven't had my monthly since LBJ was president.
Ann: Well, with the elderly, we are not so concerned with pregnancy. We're more concerned with disease.
Andy: [old man] Do pubic hairs get longer the older you get?
Ann: I don't think so, no.
Andy: [whispering] Because that's happening to me. What should I do?
Donna: Where can I get lube that is healthy to eat?
Andy: I ran over my testicles with my jazzy scooter.
Leslie Knope: I think you're good to go, nursey. I want to jump on that caboose. Choo choo!
Ann: You should never eat lube, you need to see a doctor immediately, and I'm sorry, sir, but you have to be under 40 to ride this train.
Leslie Knope: Oh! That's how you do it, kids.

Marcia Langman: [sings to synth music] I'm Marshall Langman and I'm here to say That sex before marriage is never the way I waited till marriage and then some to do it If you decide to sin, you'll rue it!. Word.
Marcia Langman: Whoo! Whoo!
Leslie Knope: Thank you very much, Marshall. Hello, my aged friends. Some of you might remember that I was here before.
Barry: I don't remember that.
Leslie Knope: Well, I was. But I have a new message for you. The best way to be safe is to simply postpone sex until marriage.
Gladys: I am not going to be told not to have sex by someone who's ten years my junior.
Ann: Amen, Gladys. You're right! Not about the age thing, about the other thing.

Ann: Everyone, before everyone else gets here, I'd like to make a little toast. My romantic life has been a bit of a mixed bag lately. And when that's the case, it's hard not to be cynical about love and relationships, but it's couples like you that give hope to the rest of us. Leslie, you deserve the best, and you found it. Ben, don't you dare hurt her. [laughter]
Ben: I won't.
Andy: Don't laugh. She means it.
Ben: Okay, I-I won't.
Ron Swanson: Seriously, son, don't hurt her.
Andy: Okay, I'm not planning on hurting her.
Jerry: You better not be.
Ben: I'm not!
Donna: Hey, Ben, you best watch yourself.
Ben: Why would any of you think I would hurt Leslie? You're all my friends too.
April: Nah.

Ann: Well, well, well. If it isn't Mr. Best Man and Bachelor boy.
Chris: Ann Perkins, Maid of Honor, are you ready for the bachelorette party?
Ann: Uh, more than ready. We've got dancing, Jell-o shots, private karaoke, and anything that can be penis-shaped will be penis-shaped.
Leslie Knope: Ohhh!
Ann: What?
[aside to camera:]
Ann: As Leslie's maid of honor, I really need her bachelorette party to go well. Which is why I'm stress-eating gummy penises.

Ron Swanson: I'm gonna get 12 eggs and part of a dead animal. Dealer's choice. Please and thank you.
JJ: What can I get you, Ann? I will have oatmeal and berries. And I will have catfish and grits, with pumpernickel toast.
Ron Swanson: Explain.
Ann: Well, instead of getting swept up in my boyfriends' personalities, I am dating myself and trying new things. So every time I go out to eat, I order one thing that's typical me and then something that I would never order.
Leslie Knope: Now I have two best friends, Ann and Ann. Each one more beautiful than the other.
Ann: Oh, I also have been documenting all the new things I'm trying on my blog. Check this out. I went skydiving. [screaming on video]
Ben: Which Ann is screaming like a maniac? Oatmeal Ann or catfish Ann?
Ann: I'm not sure, because I instantly blacked out from extreme terror.

Ben: The falcon is entering!
Leslie Knope: The turtledove acknowledges! Hey, where are you?
Ben: I'm-I'm here.
Leslie Knope: Okay, let's go over the duties right now. Ann, you're in charge of the dress and the hair and the makeup. And I was thinking, like, the sensuality of Eleanor Roosevelt combined with the animal magnetism of Lesley Stahl.
Ann: Piece of cake. Oh, we have to get the wedding cake. I'll do that too.
[aside to camera:]
Ann: I'm perfectly calm. I feel like every crazy thing Leslie's ever had me do has been, like a drill, and today is the real thing. I'm ready, because I had the greatest teacher in the world. Leslie. Who is crazy.

Leslie Knope: Oh my God, we're running out of time. Ann, please, tell me that you have sewn a new dress from scratch. Or several dresses, 'cause I would love some options.
Ann: I have an idea, and it might be insane, but I've been watching a lot Project Runway recently... In the past eight years.
Leslie Knope: Okay, great, so I trust you, and make it work. No time to do the Tim Gunn voice. Wait, what am I talking about? There's always time. [imitating Tim Gunn] Designers, make it work. [normal voice] Ann, you have less than an hour.

Ann: I gathered up all the meaningful bills, pictures, documents, and memos from your career. What do you think? Is it okay?
Leslie Knope: It is the most beautiful object I have ever seen. It is like the Ann Perkins of dresses.
Ann: Yay.
Leslie Knope: It is amazing.