Ann: Morning. Is Leslie here? Aw, man. I am so tired. I took a half-shift at the hospital last night. And I had this really weird patient.
April: Weird how?
Ann: I probably shouldn't talk about it. It's one of the grossest things I've ever seen.
Ron Swanson: Talk.
Ann: Well, this guy came in. He got his hand stuck in a Pringles can, and he tried to cut himself out.
April: Was there a lot of blood?
Ron Swanson: What kind of blade did he use?
Ann: Uh, three-and-a-half-inch? Serrated? Buckets of blood. He passed out over his arm, and slumped onto the floor.
April: Did the bone show?
Ron Swanson: Very good question, April. Answer her.
Ann: Yeah. The bone showed.
[aside to camera:]
Ann: Everyone in the universe loves a gross medical story. Boom! I win!

Ann: Wait, I got something. Oh.
Darren: Cool! Awesome! Nice!
Ann: Thanks, D-money.
Darren: What kind of bait did you use?
[aside to camera:]
Ann: I bought this mackerel at the supermarket. I've been standing in the water with the fish on my hook for 30 minutes. I saw it on an episode I Love Lucy. Pathetic? Maybe. But, feels pretty good to have a bunch of little boys be super into me. That came out wrong.

Ron Swanson: Listen up! I have to turn off the power for one minute.
Ann: We're gonna go dark, people. Bear with us, okay? We gotta switch off the main fuse hose.
Ron Swanson: It's just a fuse.
Ann: It's just a fuse...People. Just a fuse.

Chris: Hey, that's my name.
Ann: Yeah, that's my Chris Traeger box. All these boxes represent stuff from different eras of ex-boyfriends.
Chris: Oh...Here are those ankle weights I bought you that you liked so much.
[aside to camera:]
Ann: Recently Leslie pointed out that sometimes when I date someone, I kind of adopt that person's personality. The evidence is fairly damning. Chris Traeger, exercise phase. Andy Dwyer, my grunge phase. Tom Haverford, my needless shopping phase. Also my credit card debt phase. Ann Perkins.

Ann: [aside to camera] I helped April get into vet school in Bloomington and today's her orientation, so we're taking a little road trip. While I'm there, I'm also gonna pick up an organic baby blanket. I would get one in Pawnee, but fun fact: our only baby store is attached to a chemical refinery.

Chris: I would be thrilled if we had a boy. I have perfected the art of shaving the human face. And I would love to be able to pass that on.
Ann: Toy trucks? Superhero costumes? Tiny little acorn penis? Forget it.
Chris: A weird image. But one that does not diminish my enthusiasm.

Ann: [aside to camera] Halloween is my favorite holiday, it's just the best. And I don't have to work. Hey, slutty teenage girls dressed as sexy kittens, pump your own stomachs this year.

Ann: [aside to camera] I'm a terrible artist. But the Parks Department has done so much for me that if I can help them out in any way, I will. Oh, God. Maybe I should just give them all free flu shots.

Ann: [aside to camera] I loved Andy. Loved him. Loved Andy. He was a totally helpless baby when we met. I dated him for three years. Now, he's an adult with a job. And some other girl is going to reap the rewards of my hard work? That's bull[beep].

Ann: You know? I'm just gonna stay away from all guys right now.
Leslie Knope: Yeah, less man time, more Ann time.
Ann: Yeah.
Leslie Knope: Yeah.
[aside to camera:]
Ann: Everyone needs a friend they can call and wake up in the middle of the night. Leslie's usually up. And often, she's already on her way over.