Ann: I was so into you, okay, and you basically turned me into a female version of yourself, and then you got bored dating me because you were dating yourself.
Chris: Huh...
Ann: I mean, I was jogging. I hate jogging.
Chris: [laughs] Jogging's amazing!
Ann: Jogging is the worst, Chris. I mean, I know it keeps you healthy, but God, at what cost?

Donna: I'll cede my time to Ann. I have a feeling this is gonna be good.
Ann: Okay, well, I'm not gonna talk for long, 'cause I have to pee again, 'cause I have to pee every six minutes, 'cause I have a beach ball in my stomach that's punching on my bladder.
Donna: [chuckles] That sucks.
Ann: I know. And I'm never not hungry.
Jerry: Oh, well, have some cheese.
Ann: I can't have cheese, Larry! And I can't have wine either. I can't have anything good. You know, what I can have is liquefied flaxseed. But I don't want that. You know what I want? Pork rinds. I want jelly beans. And I want a huge trash bag filled with mashed potatoes. I want to be Pac-Man, and instead of dots, I want 'em to be cinnamon buns. I want to be a giant head and a mouth, and I just want to eat rows and rows of junk food pellets, and where's my trash bag of potatoes? [groans]
Tom: Time.
Donna: Yikes.

Ann: Any questions?
Man #1: If sugar is so bad, how come Jesus made it taste so good?
Ann: Uh... [to another person] Yes?
Woman: But isn't all food bad for you? I've been eating lasagna and muffins every day of my life for 40 years and I feel terrible.
Ann: Right.
Man #2: What's so bad about corn syrup? It's natural. Corn's a fruit. Syrup comes from a bush.
Ann: Oh, boy.

Ann: [aside to camera] I always had fun with Andy. The problem is, when you're his girlfriend, you're also his mother and his maid and his nurse. He's completely helpless. He's like a baby in a straightjacket. Ooh, Baby in a Straightjacket. That's a good band name. I should tell him that.

Ron Swanson: Hello, Ann Perkins.
Ann: This is the first time you've said my entire name correctly.
Ron Swanson: Nonsense. We are close friends. I have good news for you. I'm making the water fountain hygiene upgrade our number one priority.
Ann: Oh, great.
[aside to camera:]
Ann: For some reason, when people in Pawnee use the water fountain, they put their mouths completely over the spouts. It's like this weird, disgusting, local quirk. Kiss one water-fountain drinker, you're kissing everyone in Pawnee. Including him.

Ann: Actually, Ron, I-I could use your advice on how to be blunt and honest. I want my friend to do something for me, and I don't know how to ask him.
Ron Swanson: What do you want him to do?
Ann: Plant ficuses. In my front yard.
[aside to camera:]
Ann: Grossest metaphor ever.
[back:]
Ron Swanson: I've seen your house. You'd have more success if he planted ficuses in your backyard.
Ann: No, I don't think so.
Ann: Anyway, what if he thinks I'm asking too much of him, and I ask him to plant the ficuses, and he doesn't want to, and he gets weird about it, and it ruins our friendship?
Ron Swanson: Then plant the damn ficuses yourself.
Ann: [guffaws] I wish that were possible.

Leslie Knope: Ann, everything you have is too sexy. This is actually the dress that Julia Roberts wore as a prostitute in Pretty Woman.
Ann: I know. I look really good in it.

Ann: [aside to camera] Leslie formed a committee to fill the pit in a week, which is really impressive. I mean, until now, my only experience with government was trying to get a recycling bin. Wait. Did I ever get it?

Ann: [aside to camera] There is a crazy flu going around. Lots of miserable dehydrated people with high fevers and diarrhea. And one of those dehydrated, high-fevered miserable people is April... Who hates me.

Ann: [aside to camera] We've been on a couple of dates. I really like him. The problem is, he's like a perfect human man. I can't find one flaw. There was one time I thought he farted. But it was me.