Coach: [on the phone] I can help you end this. Do you know why? Do you know why? I'm waiting.
Schmidt: Oh, my God, is it because you have sisters?
Coach: It's because I have sisters! And you know what that means?
Schmidt: And that you know more about women than me.
Coach: I know more about women than you!
Schmidt: And that I'm a little dumb-dumb.
Coach: And I'm a big smart-smart. Yeah. Now, here's what you're gonna do. Get big like a bear. If that doesn't work, pee a circle around yourself and light it on fire.
Schmidt: I peed before I came. I had a root beer with lunch.
Coach: I'm on my way. Hey, uh, did you bring a gift? 'Cause I don't want to be that guy. You know, the guy that doesn't bring a gift?
Schmidt: Just get over here.
Coach: All right, I'm coming.
Winston: [bubble-wrapped to a chair] What? Coach! Coach, I can't turn the pages! How am I gonna study if I can't turn the pages?

Coach: So I've done some research.
Jess: Oh, ooh, how about a head's up, man? Have I seen those glasses before? I feel like I want to remember them.
Coach: I got these in seventh grade, and I love them. Stop asking questions. All right, check it. So nerd Coach went to the library, and some place that actually exists called the Hall of Documents.
Jess: The downtown branch?
Coach: Mm-hmm.
Jess: How's Kathleen's eye?
Coach: Oh, Kathleen's dead.
Jess: What?
Coach: Yeah. So, check it out, guys, this is all research. You two don't have to date in secret anymore at school. Yeah, it's all here in the Lipinski v. Platte County Unified School District. Precedence for days!

Jess: [British accent] Happy St. Valentine's Day, mates. I just spent the week at Ryan's, and it was absolutely lovely.
Coach: Fake accent, smug attitude. This is exactly why the teachers have turned on Jyan.
Jess: Jyan?! Come on! You chose the worst parts of both our names.
Coach: That's why we chose it.
Jess: Haters gonna "H." That's why Ryan has to find a new job.
Winston: You know, I hear Elijah Wood's looking for a stunt double. [laughter]
Jess: He's so small!
Coach: Get back in that tree and make me some cookies, Ryan!

Jess: Oh, Schmidt, you have something on your pants.
Schmidt: Ah! It's a spider! [shrieks]
Nick: Jess, why did you do that? You know how he gets-- he turns into a cartoon elephant of yesteryear who just saw a mouse.
Coach: Which is offensive in present day 'cause it seems like a gay stereotype they tried to sneak by us. [imitates elephant trumpeting with lisp] "Where's my balance ball? There's a mouse loose in the house."

Coach: Why you guys dressed up all nice? Huh? Talking all polite and stuff. What-What's going on?
Nick: Oh, we're just here for the culture and, uh, the spectacle of it all.
Coach: Really?
Nick: And to make you look like a stupid piece of crap for thinking we'd be an embarrassment to you.
Coach: I'm patting you down.
Nick: Hey. I'm an American citizen. I request a female if you're gonna do that.

Jess: So then Pete says to...
Coach: Allen Iverson.
Jess: "...you want to keep sportsing on the..."
Coach: Grizzlies.
Jess: "...but if you want me to show you the money, then..."
Coach: You gotta finish your career off with the '76ers!
Jess: [chuckles] And it was classic Pete.
Val: It's so nice to remember work as more than just a thing that kept Pete on the phone all the time.
Jess: You're very welcome.

Winston: I love you, but you're white, I'm black. I understand where she's coming from. When I was a kid, we used to run from the police. Even if we did nothing wrong, it was just out of habit.
Nick: Why haven't you ever told me?
Coach: 'Cause you'll never get it.
Nick: How long have you been standing there?
Coach: Uh, right around, "Your mama got a mouth on the back of her neck, and the bitch chew like this."
Winston: Now, that's Eddie!
Nick: I don't see the difference.
Coach: [laughs] Hercules! Hercules! Hercules!
Winston: He's doing the laugh!
Nick: That's what I was doing. [imitating Eddie Murphy's laugh]
Winston: Stop, Nick.
Nick: I honestly don't see the difference.

Coach: Uh... I love you guys and, uh... I'm gonna miss you. Especially you, Jebecca. Aw.

Cece: Okay, Winnie, you said, "bride," to a girl you've been dating for a month?
Coach: I think it's sweet, shut up, Cece.
Cece: Shut up!
Coach: You shut up!
Cece: I miss you so much.
Coach: Oh, my god, I missed you.
Cece: Like, for real, missed you.
Coach: It's crazy being in New York 'cause I'm like, "Where's Cece?"
Cece: Right?!

Aly: Nothing? No? Do you remember these?
Winston: [laughs] Furguson's baby teeth. You know, I remember when he lost these all in the same day. Yeah, got into my taffy stash, he sure did.
Coach: Oh, dip, white chocolate raisins! [spits] Those are cat teeth.
Winston: Cat teeth.
Coach: [gags]
Aly: You can tell cat teeth by taste?
Coach: Yup!