Mitchell: [aside to camera] So, once a year, some sort of pollen is released into the air, and for two weeks, Cam has allergy-induced sleep apnea and has to use an apparatus in order to help him breathe. What's challenging is, Pam has the same condition. I thought that maybe I could focus if I could get those contraptions in sync.

Jay: Phil's right.
Mitchell: Really? Oh, t-then here's something, too. When I was younger, I never thought I would be here. And here I am.
Jay: What the hell does that mean?
Mitchell: Oh, God.

Mitchell: Hey. Another proud moment for the struggle.
Damien: Ugh. Here she comes. Martin Luther Queen, yes. By all means, tell me about the struggle.
Mitchell: Okay, you nasty little twink. You owe everything to me and all the gays that came before you. It's because of everything we fought for that you get to snark your way through high school with lifts in your shoes instead of spending it terrified, shoved in a locker.
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: I was really proud of that.
[back:]
Damien: Wow. Just so you know. Exfoliating with a dry brush pre-shower will really help you with all of this. It'll make you look 50 again.
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: I'm not really proud of what came next.
[flashback to Mitchell shoving Damien in a locker:]
Damien: You shove like a girl!

Cameron: I'm just so tired. I'm so very tired. I just need to close my eyes. [Mitchell slaps Cameron across the face] Oh!
Mitchell: Knock it off!
Cameron: Ow!
Mitchell: You're gonna suck it up. You're gonna pull your act together. And you're coming with me to gate 32-32. That can't be right.

Cameron: No, I overheard the lady coach call her play on my walkie-talkie, and I changed my defense to win the game. And now I'm having anxiety, and I have to confess.
Mitchell: No, you you are not gonna confess. You're gonna smush that anxiety into a little ball, and you're gonna push it into that little, tiny hole in your soul where childhood traumas go. Everybody here is a winner. If you end up being the one loser at the table, I'm gonna get nothing but condescending pity from everybody. Especially Claire, that insufferable phony. [waves to Claire]

Mitchell: We found a... a magazine in your room.
Lily: Whoa!
Cameron: There's nothing to be embarrassed about.
Mitchell: Oh, God, no, not at all. You're... You're going through a very exciting period of... of change and... and hormones. And... And...
Cameron: And, um, urges.
Lily: Got it. Solid parenting. See you tomorrow.

Mitchell: I-I-I know this is uncomfortable, but...
Cameron: You shouldn't be ashamed about wondering or being curious about sex. You know, the mingling of bodies can be a beautiful expression of love.
Lily: Stop! They have classes about this in school, and if you don't want me looking at magazines like that, don't leave them on the sofa!
Cameron: The sofa? How did... How did it get on the sofa?
Mitchell: I don't know. I don't... Ah, the babysitter. Or, you know, Haley, or... or Pam, or Claire. We were just talking about how perverted they are.

Cameron: Wait a minute. This is from 1997. And David Duchovny's on the cover. Didn't you have a thing for David Duchovny?
Mitchell: Why... Wha... I don't even know who that is.
Cameron: He was on the... you know, the cheesy sci-fi show, the, uh... What was it? "The X-Files" or something? You know, kind of a dumbed-down "Men in Black"? They had that saying, you know? Saying was, "The truth is... up there"?
Mitchell: You know damn well it's "The truth is out there"! Don't... Don't you crinkle it.
Cameron: Why do you have a 20-year-old nudie mag?
Mitchell: Agent Mulder meant a lot to me, okay? He was brooding and handsome and obsessed with an uptight yet sexy redhead.
Cameron: Yeah, well, guess what. You wouldn't have had a chance with David Duchovny because, look. One of his turn-offs is "dishonest people."

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Can people change? I don't know. People are who they are- give or take, yeah, 15%. That's how much people can change if they really want to. Whether it's for themselves or for the people they love... Yeah, 15%. But you know what? Sometimes that's just enough.

Cameron: Be in my corner. Don't be so critical.
Mitchell: What Is that really how you see me?
Cameron: Sometimes, yeah, I do, Mitchell.
Mitchell: Oh, Cam. Well, if that's true, then I'm sorry. No, okay. From now on, I am in your corner, 100%. And that song is gonna knock everyone out.
Cameron: Well, I don't know. But wait till you see the dance I have prepared.
Mitchell: A dance? A dance!