Phil: So, the doctor will see you in a few minutes.
Luke: Nice someone can see.
Phil: Glad to know your good eye can still roll. So still angry, huh?
Luke: Gee, why would I be angry? Because you insulted me, maimed me and belittled my achievements in the banjonic and trampolinic arts?

Alex: Why can't we remember this last piece? We just had it this morning.
Luke: Hey, guys. I know you're busy, but do you think being hit by lightning can make people smarter?
Alex: Get out of here.
Luke: Huh. Yeah. [starts writing on the whiteboard] It's probably just a myth. There's so much crazy stuff written on the Internet these days.
[aside to camera:]
Luke: Turns out, when they figured it out the first time, the formula was in the background of a selfie I took.
[back:]
Luke: Anyway, if you don't think lightning can do that, it must not be true. After all, you are the smartest people I know. [drops the marker pen]

Haley: [on the phone with Phil and Claire] Love you both.
Alex: Bye. We miss you guys.
Luke: Got to run outside and paint the mailbox.
Haley: [disconnects] All you had to do was say goodbye.
Alex: Now we have to paint the mailbox when we get home.
Luke: Sorry. It just popped into my head when I saw the Statue of Liberty holding that paintbrush. You know, what she used to paint freedom in America.
Haley: Oh. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Gotcha.

Luke: [aside to camera] Alex's laptop had every piece of homework she ever did in high school. It was the Holy Grail I think. Thanks to Alex's hard work, I don't know what that is and never will.

Danielle Pardo: Do you know that there are only a handful of female C.E.O.s in the entire Fortune 500?
Luke: That's crazy. Women can drive a race-car just as well as a man.
Danielle Pardo: You joke.
Luke: Huh?

Claire: The thing is, we love the car. We were so moved by the gesture.
Phil: [voice breaking] So moved. Hey! I'm back! I guess I just needed to rehydrate.
Claire: Oh. But we can't keep it. Honey, it's just... it's too generous.
Luke: But I love you guys so much.
Phil: You're the graduate. You need the car. It's yours.
Luke: I don't know what to say.
[aside to camera:]
Luke: How 'bout "nailed it"? I wanted that sweet ride from the moment I saw it, but I knew my parents would never let me get it. I also knew they'd never keep it if I gave it to them, so... If there were any S.A.T. questions about tricking your parents, I'd be going to college.

Alex: Explain yourself.
Luke: I'm taking photos of your feet for perverts.
Alex: Ew!
Luke: Hear me out. Remember when you couldn't return those sneakers you bought and asked me to sell them online? Right after I listed them, I got a message asking if they'd been worn and sweat in. Before I could lie and say no, I got another message. "Can I see your feet?" Apparently, there are a ton of these feet freaks on the Internet.

Luke: Hey, Alex. Quick tip. Smile during the interview. I've been learning a lot about different personality types in my psych course, and you're kind of textbook borderline. All brains, no empathy.
Claire: You know, Luke, we are so very proud of all the hard work you're doing, and I look forward to hearing your insights when you finish chapter two. But for now, maybe you could just put that book away.
Luke: No surprise you'd say that. Controlling, obsessive... classic Commandant personality type.
Haley: Ooh, burn.
Claire: Oh, grow up, Haley.
Luke: Sadly, she can't. Such is the plight of the Peter Pan personality.
Phil: You're saying Haley refuses to grow up? I don't believe that.
Luke: Which brings us to another type, the Dreamer... head in the clouds, tends to be naive, gullible.
Phil: I love that you're smart now.

Cameron: All right. We heard from our college-going sheep. Now, Luke, you wisely took a gap year, got a job, made mad stacks, and invested a little, correct?
Luke: Totally. I own 300 microrubels, a Russian cryptocurrency I heard about on Facebook, which currently, you can only use to buy a Chechen party drug called Frankenstein.

Phil: Sorry, I'm, uh, a little on edge. I think I've been watching too much "Snapped." Um... can I ask you something? How much do we really know about Gloria?
Luke: The exotic stranger who just popped into our lives out of nowhere? I've had my suspicions about her for years.
[flashback:]
Gloria: [British accent] I shall need the parcel to arrive at my flat by tea time. Splendid, my good man. [normal voice to Jay] The British accent gets me better service. [British accent] Tally-ho!
[present:]
Luke: Her accent was flawless.