Haley: Okay, so we both think that this would make a totally awesome bedroom.
Alex: But only one of us can have it. Don't you think it should be me?
Haley: Oh, so not. It should be me. Right, Luke?
Luke: Why do you guys wanna move into the attic?
Haley: Oh, you mean "the penthouse"?
Alex: With all the privacy of being on its very own floor?
Luke: It is kinda cool.
[aside to camera:]
Luke: I'm not an idiot. I knew what they were up to, but I've been wanting to move for a while. There's a line of ants going to a trick-or-treat bag in my closet, and I don't want to still be there when they get tired of candy.

Manny: She's not here. We have the wrong bar mitzvah.
Luke: Not if you like prime rib, bubbie. You said to blend. I picked up some expressions at the latke station. P.S. they're hash browns.
Manny: We're not blending. She's at one of the other two. Come on. [bumping into a lady] Sorry.
Luke: Such a hurry, this one.

Manny: How can she not be here, either? This is hopeless.
Luke: Have a little faith. Did the Jews give up when the Egyptians chased them to the banks of the red sea?
Manny: How do you know all this stuff?
Luke: Was I the only one listening to Uncle Menachem's toast?

Manny: Look, I'm Mexico. Again. Does anybody care that I'm not from Mexico?
Luke: You keep saying that, but we've never seen a birth certificate.

Cameron: So how good's Luke's team anyway?
Claire: Well, you may have seen them on Youtube under "Boy stuck in batting helmet" or "Pitcher beans self." But a few of them went through puberty early this year, so...
Luke: They say it's because of hormones in our milk. But whatever it is, they really jacked up.

Mitchell: Well, there's this kid, and he's been kind of bullying Lily and all her friends. And I tried to teach him. I tried to put him in his place on the handball court, and I lost. And I-I could just see the disappointment in Lily's eyes.
Luke: Like there's any emotion in those eyes.
Mitchell: Are you gonna help me or not?
Luke: Okay. Yes! But I need you to give it 105%.
Mitchell: Ah, no. It's 110%, buddy.
Luke: That's impossible.

Manny: How 'bout this weather?
Luke: Yep. They say it's supposed to rain.
Manny: We need it. Muriel.
Claire: Hey! Are you two packed up and ready to go?
Luke & Manny: Yep.
Manny: Where does the time go?
Luke: Darned if I know. Everyone's always in such a hurry.
Manny: And why? We're all gonna end up in the same place.
Luke: Well, I guess we better mosey.
[Luke and Manny groan as they stand up from the rocking chairs]

Luke: [aside to camera] I'm in charge of the recycling. I'm supposed to bring it from the garage to the curb by 6:00 A.M. Thursday morning. I may have missed a few weeks. Maybe more than a few weeks. After a while, the pile just got so big, I couldn't bring it out the night before or people would ask questions. I don't need people asking questions.

Cameron: Mitch and I are taking Alex and Manny to an art exhibit. But, of course, everybody is welcome to join.
Manny: It's a retrospective on "Post-war Abstract Expressionism".
Luke: Wait. For school?
Manny: No, for life.
Luke: Oh, thank God. I don't even know who we fought in the Post War.

Manny: You want to talk?
Luke: You're the dorky sidekick, not me.
Manny: Want to talk nicer?
Luke: How could you be invited and I wasn't?
Manny: I don't know. It's like the stuff that used to make me kind of weird, people are starting to like.
Luke: So? I'm the same as I always was.
Manny: Well maybe you could upgrade a little. Uh, we're tired of the Yoda voice, and if a girl tells you she went to London, maybe don't ask if she also saw France.
Luke: I liked things better when you were the one who was ostrich-sized.
Manny: What?
Luke: You know, like a freaky outsider. The way an ostrich feels around regular birds.
Manny: You know what else girls like? The mysterious, silent type.