Luke: Hey, Dad, I think I found a place online where I can sell this organ. Can you drive me to the black market?
Phil: I think they mean a different kind of organ, buddy.

Luke: [aside to camera] Grandpa got me a job at his country club, and I've been cleaning up in tips. I also like the way those guys talk. There's actually an ethnic slur for Norwegians. It's ice [bleep]ers.

Phil: You're right, I set a terrible example for you.
Luke: No! It was awesome! Do you think Steve Jobs followed every rule? Doug Henning?
Phil: Keep talking.
Luke: What about that guy who lived in that town where people weren't allowed to dance? Did Footloose follow the rules?
Phil: His name was Ren, and he most certainly did not.

Lily: So, do you know how babies are made?
Luke: Yep, and I'll tell you. But first, we're gonna need a pen and a bagel.
Lily: Why?
Luke: Well, you're gonna need to take notes, and I'm hungry.

Gloria: Who said I was a coal digger?
Luke: That's what my mom told me.
Alex: What's a coal digger?
Phil: Sweetheart, he heard it wrong. It's "gold digger."
Haley: [on phone] I'm gonna have to call you back.
Claire: I really do not think that I remember ever saying that.
Luke: Well, you said it in the car, you said it at Christmas, you said it in the Mexican restaurant...
Claire: Okay, Mr. "Leaves his sweatshirts at school every day" suddenly remembers everything. Thank you.

Claire: What are you guys doing?
Phil: Pursuing excellence. We made a list of areas the boy might excel at and... baseball.
Claire: Love it.
Phil: Yeah. I read it only takes 10,000 hours to achieve excellence. You've already got, like, what, how many hours playing ball?
Luke: Well, I played, like, one season. So, like, 6000 hours.
Claire: Yeah, I can see why you ruled out math.

Luke: What are you doing?
Phil: Hey, buddy. Oh, just double-checking these straps. This is an extra. These babies saved your life. That's why this cabinet barely moved.
Luke: It fell all the way to the couch. It almost killed me.
Phil: No, it didn't. This cabinet barely moved. That's just perspective playing tricks on your mind. Like, if I hold up my thumb, it looks bigger than your head.
Luke: No, it doesn't. It looks tiny.
Phil: You have to look at it from over here.
Luke: How can I look at my head from over there?

Luke: [sliding a tray covered with liquid under the bathroom door] Hey, Mom, I brought you some soda. I couldn't find any straws, so you'll have to drink it like cats.
Claire: Oh, thank you, Luke. That's my sweetie.
Luke: I was going to bring you wine, but you finished the big bottle last night.
Claire: Okay. Off you go.

Haley: [aside to camera] We thought the lock was a really good idea.
Alex: But the problem is, it makes a noise.
Luke: A loud noise. It's hard for me to look at Dad afterwards.

Dr. Klausner: Luke, I'm gonna talk to your mom and dad for a minute, okay?
Luke: Okay. She's, like, the best doctor ever. A couple of puzzles, no shots. I didn't even have to take my pants off. Found that one out a little late.
Phil: I've been there, buddy.