Jay: What's all this? I said one suitcase.
Manny: I need choices, Jay.
Jay: Colombia's not one of your more formal nations. The guy on their money is sitting in a lawn chair.

Lily: This is boring. Let's go and build a fort in my room. [Lily and friends run off to her bedroom]
Jay: So, what? You're just gonna give up?
Mitchell: You got to know when to surrender.
Jay: No, sir. I'm not losing to the Vietnamese twice in a lifetime. Get up. No man left behind.

Jay: [aside to camera] Manny thinks his dad is like Superman. The truth? He's a total flake. In fact, the only way he's like Superman Is that they both landed in this country illegally.

Mitchell: Oh, remember how much fun we had when we built that bookshelf together?
[aside to camera:]
Jay: That was my Vietnam. And I was in Vietnam.

Manny: What's up, big guy?
Jay: How hard is it to learn this salsa dancing stuff?
Manny: Not hard at all. It's about tapping into your emotion, your passion, and your inner fire.
Jay: Crap!
[aside to camera:]
Jay: I stink at dancing. First dance at our wedding, Gloria was all graceful and gorgeous, and I was all big and clunky. Like that scene from "Beauty and the Beast." Actually, that was the song. Manny picked it. He didn't like me back then.

Jay: Nobody gets out of this. World's worst sport, world's worst players of it. Twenty-two girls in a cluster zig-zagging across a field like a busted Roomba. Except the only thing it sucks up is two hours of my life.

Jay: Gloria, it's either this, or we're in the motel.
Manny: I don't like the sound of that. A lot of amenities disappear when an "H" becomes an "M."
Jay: You know, when I met you, you were eating cereal out of a bucket.

Jay: You know, it's... Thing about babies, you... you fall in love with a baby with the cutest little fat folds, and then... bam... they're gone. But it's okay, because in its place is this... toddler with the greatest laugh on Earth. And then one day, the toddler's gone, and in its place, a little kid that asks the most interesting questions you've ever heard. And this keeps going on like that, but you never get the chance to miss any of them, 'cause there's always a new kid to take the place of the old. Until they grow up. And then... in a moment, all those kids you fell in love with walk out the door at the same time.
Waitress: Jesus.
Jay: Oh, I don't mean to be a bummer. I'm just saying it goes fast. Like the expression... "You never know the last time you pick up your kid."

Gloria: Ay. What happened? Did he fall?
Jay: How could he fall? You can't send him to school on a bike with training wheels. They'll make fun of him. Didn't you teach him how to ride a bike?
Gloria: How could I? I don't know how to ride a bike.
Jay: Two-thirds of my house can't do what a billion Chinese do.

Jay: What the hell are those?
Phil: Onion goggles. No more tears when I cook. Welcome to the 21st century. You should get a pair.
Jay: I was gonna suggest the same thing.