Gloria: How are you feeling?
Jay: Uh, it's gonna be weird without them being here all the time. Plus, they got the new kid. Poor guy's gonna grow up with those Missouri closets, thinking that's normal.

Jay: I found more hot sauce in the garage. Muy caliente.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: Oof! I almost gave it away, there. I got a big surprise for Gloria in the works. I'm learning Spanish. Every chance I get, I pop my earbuds in, learn a few lessons. Program's even got a cool feature. Any phrase I want to learn, I just say it in English, and it spits it right back at me in Español. I'm sorry, I mean "Spanish." Loco!

Manny: You two need each other. It's what drives you.
Earl: The kid is right. Beating you is half the reason I get out of bed. Locking horns. We made each other better than I ever thought we could be.
Jay: Pushed each other to greatness.
Earl: We touched the sky.
Manny: We're talking about closets here, right?
Jay: Oh, I'm sorry, you mean the sanctuary where a man dons his armor in the morning and takes stock of the battle at night?!
Earl: The one thing we all have in common; presidents to postmen, tycoons to teachers, from sea to shining sea!
Manny: This is taking a weird turn.

Gloria: I support Manny no matter what. Children need to know that you believe in them. It's the most important thing. If you tell them they have wings, they will believe they can fly.
Jay: Oh, really? I had a buddy went to Woodstock, believed he could fly. Didn't end great. It's why hotel windows don't open anymore.

Jay: [aside to camera] When Claire and Mitchell were young, their mom and I were gonna take them to Disneyland. But that morning, Dede and I got in this huge fight over something or other - surprise, surprise - and I ended up taking them on my own. Claire's biggest fear was running into the evil queen. My biggest fear was that I married her.

Gloria: Jay, they delayed Sonia's flight until tomorrow. Why don't we cancel our dinner reservation and the three of us celebrate Valentine's here?
Sonia: You don't have to do that for me, Gloria. I usually spend Valentine's Day selling artificial flowers near the well in my village.
Jay: Where do you people live, National Geographic?

Jay: Hey, America! I didn't see you there. Welcome to another live webcast of "Jay Talking." You know what really gets my goat? Goat cheese. It's on everything. I hate it. The only thing worse than goat cheese is eating it at a communal table with some jerk wearing a hat inside. Have some respect. And pull up your pants! Only crack I want to see is in the Liberty Bell. Greatest country on the damn planet.

Jay: Look, kid, that's a deep question, "Will I die some day?" And I'm gonna be straight with you about it... no.
Joe: Never?
Jay: A few years back, people would live to be around 12. Nowadays, what with all the science they're doing, sky's the limit. You play your cards right, and someday you'll be 200, and if you learn anything from your old man, you'll have a gorgeous 100-year-old bride on your arm. Uh, there will be some squawking from women in their 180s, but, uh, you're a successful man and you've earned your happiness.

Jay: [aside to camera] When Mitchell was born, he was a month premature. So it was touch and go there for a while. It's 2:00 AM. I walk out into the hospital waiting room to get some air, and there's Shorty. He'd been sitting there for six hours and refused to leave for the next two days. That's where we got Mitchell's middle name. Not Shorty, Vincent. "MVP". We were a little premature on that one, too.

Jay: [aside to camera] Gloria's about to take her citizenship test. This little jumping bean is about to become an American.
Gloria: Jumping beans are Mexican.
Jay: Once you're an American you won't see the difference.