Haley: Sorry, Alex, but you will thank me one day.
Alex: Please. You really think I don't have duplicates?
Haley: If you do this you'll be a social piranha.
Alex: Yes. I'll be an Amazonian carnivorous fish.
Haley: Carniv- What?

Haley: Mom heard us say we were bored.
Phil: Suckers.
Alex: She heard us from outside.
Haley: She has super good hearing, like a seeing eye dog. They have overdeveloped hearing to make up for the fact that-- Wait, the dogs aren't blind. Wait. Are they? No, that wouldn't make sense.
Alex: You're right. If I wait long enough, she can get there by herself.

Haley: What were you thinking saying that in front of him?
Alex: I'm sorry. It slipped out. Besides, I figured he knew. Mom knows.
Haley: Only because she dragged it out of Dylan. And she promised not to tell dad until I left for college, which means he might have never found out.

Haley: [aside to camera] Our neighbor's out of town, and she's paying me to move her car on street cleaning days. Now I would just park it in her driveway, but she already has a camper and a cord of wood there. Pretty sure she's a lesbian. Anyway, easy money, right? How do I tell her I snapped a branch on her beloved lemon tree? I mean, she boils the leaves to add a scent to her own work boot oil. Did I mention she plays in two softball leagues?

Haley: Look, I need more sleep than you, and ever since they cut down that stupid prune tree, the sun has been right in my eyes every morning.
Alex: It's not a prune tree. They pruned the tree. And I'm not switching places with you, so you should just put your head at the other end of the bed.
Haley: Uh, why? So my feet get the pillow? And I'm the dumb one.

Haley: I don't get it. Doesn't the wine get the cow drunk?
Manny: Thank you.
Jay: Honest to God. Have neither of you seen a cow? They're huge.
Haley: I bet Tequila would do it quicker.
Jay: It's not the goal to get the cow drunk.

Gavin Sinclair: Nikki, thank God you're here. Peel this orange for me.
Haley: Mr. Sinclair, it's Haley Dunphy. I was supposed to see you for the assistant job. I have been studying your work, and I have to say the looks that you did for New York Fashion Week put you-
Gavin Sinclair: Ah! I'm really too busy right now.
Haley: But I drove all the way down here. We had an appointment!
Gavin Sinclair: Yeah, I looked at your blog. It's a little too cutesy for me. I need someone with edge.
Haley: I have edge.
Gavin Sinclair: You really don't. You are literally the most wide-eyed person I've ever seen. You have the face of a cartoon lamb. Thanks for coming by, though.

Haley: I hope that Thanksgiving's on a Friday next year, so that I can sleep through the entire weekend.
Alex: Mom, can you take this one? I'm exhausted.
Claire: Wow, you really must be.

Alex: Hey! No, give that back. Need I remind you I am a yellow belt?
Haley: Ugh, I can't keep track of all your ugly belts, but I don't think you should change roommates.

Haley: [aside to camera] Andy I started out pretty hot and heavy, but, uh, the last few weeks I've just been super busy, so I guess he's feeling neglected, and he's acting a little cold. I mean, a chuck on the arm? What are we, Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer? [chuckles] Those are people, right?