Claire: [to Alex] Hang on. I don't like this Skylar. You don't need to change who you are to fit in with the cool kids.
Haley: [over video chat] Oh, of course she does. She just is so uncool, she doesn't know who the cool kids are.
Alex: Don't you have a class to fail?
Haley: Don't you have a raven to train?

Haley: Hey, what are you doing?
Alex: I'm just watching you sleep. You look so pretty.
Haley: Okay, but don't breathe so loud. [Alex starts to walk away] Hey, where are you going?!

Haley: Seriously, it's bad luck to toast with an empty glass.

Mitchell: Hi, sweetheart. I'm in the middle of a meeting with my boss, but thank you so much for helping me out.
Haley: No problem. My last class is a pass/fail. And it's community college, so it's pass.
Charlie Bingham: Hi. Charlie Bingham. Wow. Look at your eyes.
Haley: Oh. I-I can't.

Haley: Here comes dad. He's gonna be all like, "No! What did you do?! Where's Awesomeland?!"
Phil: No! What did you do?! Where's Awesomeland?!
Luke: Are you from the future?

Claire: Haley, honey, I wanted to talk to you about this whole thing with Andy.
Haley: What's there to talk about?
Claire: Well, I'm concerned that it is distracting you from what's really important.
Haley: Oh, Mom, there's nothing to worry about. You know, it's just sex.
Claire: What?
Haley: Purely physical. It's really just a stress-reliever.
Claire: [gasps] Oh.
[aside to camera:]
Haley: I am not having sex with Andy. We're just friends. I'm helping him prep for a job interview that he doesn't want anybody to know about. The whole sex thing was the fastest way to end the conversation with my mother.

Haley: [aside to camera] I left my watch by Cyril's tub. I'm usually extra careful not to leave any trace that I was at one of my dad's houses, but this tub has 16 pulsating jets, and the whole floor vibrates with something called "Swedish release." It took me 20 minutes to find my car in the driveway.

Phil: Honey, you are not a loser.
Haley: Oh, please. I hear the shots you all take at me. I see my sister about to lap me at a college that I would never be able to get into. Even someone as dumb as me can see that I'm a giant failure!
Phil: Haley, stop, okay? Haley, let me tell you something. You have value, talent, and potential that their tests can't measure. Who cares if you don't fit into their little box. You're finding your way. That's what your 20s are for, to take chances... To- To make mistakes and to learn from them, and you are learning from them. The fact that you won't push this button proves that.
Haley: That was really sweet, Dad. I can't believe I was gonna hit you over the head with that chair.