Claire: [on the phone] Haley, I love you. If you don't want to work in that store, I'll help you find something you like better.
Haley: Is this reverse psychiatry?
Claire: No, honey. Actually, nothing is.

Luke: Dad's in the middle of a super sad dude hug.
Alex: We really disappointed him.
Haley: Yeah, maybe we should just suck it up and go to Jellystone this summer.

Haley: Married! Why would I get married?
Phil: Because you're pregnant with Andy's baby!
Haley: What? Why would you think that?
Claire: [on FaceTime] Oh. Because you changed your Facebook status to "married." Then we tracked your cell phone to a wedding chapel in Vegas.
Phil: And you ordered this book.
Haley: Wow. First of all, it's called privacy. Google it.

Haley: Thanks for winning my computer back.
Luke: And getting me all my money. That was awesome.
Alex: Yeah, if only I had stopped there, but I had to go back down. I got greedy, and I was careless.
Haley: There's a story about that I remember from school. Icarus flew too close to his son. I think their wings bumped. One of them fell. They might have been ducks. Anyway, the lesson is, is that you have to pay attention.

Haley: [answering phone] Hello?
Dylan: Please tell me that you have my shoes.
Haley: Why would I have your shoes?
Dylan: Because I left them at your uncles's house last night.
Haley: What? How could you leave without your shoes?
Dylan: I go a lot of places without shoes. I'm not wearing shoes right now. Oh, wait. That's 'cause I left them at your uncles's house.
Haley: This is a disaster!
Dylan: Maybe they'll think they're theirs.
Haley: They're gay. They know what shoes they own.

Haley: Another brochure from a community college. You know, I bet Mom is having them send these.
Alex: Really? You don't think they've targeted you as a must-have recruit?
Haley: At least this one doesn't have that fakey lunchtime shot of the black guy, Asian girl, and an Indian- Oh, wait! There it is. Wow, that wheelchair kid is really cracking everybody up.

Mitchell: Do you really think that Cam's parents bought him a first-class ticket?
Haley: Aren't they poor? Don't they, like, eat plants and animals they find in their yard?
Mitchell: They're farmers, yes.

Claire: I can hear the two of you scheming out there. Don't you dare leave this house.
Haley: Oh, why do you have to be such a psycho control freak?
Claire: Okay. You know what? Just for that, you are grounded one week.
Haley: Oh, that's good parenting.
Claire: Okay. Two weeks. Wanna double it? Keep talking!
Haley: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!
Claire: Fine! Four weeks! Four!
Haley: Double it again and make it 10 weeks!
Alex: Oh, my God! Do you not hear how much you need to study?

Alex: What are you doing? I was about to call Mackenzie?
Haley: Yeah, I know. Now shut up and let me help you. The world is divided into two groups: Cool girls and girls like you. And you have been given a rare opportunity to move from the former to the latter.
Alex: The latter to the former.
Haley: Whatever. Oh, my God, you're such a geek. Now, do you want to be smart, or do you want to be popular?

Alex: What's going on?
Phil: I'll tell you what's going on. I win. Nobody gets a car, I dump Tom Brady and our long Amish nightmare is over.
Claire: I can't believe you thought you were gonna put one over on us.
Haley: I can't believe that he's actually already on the Internet.
Phil: Believe it, girl.
Haley: So you're actually online right now?
Phil: Yep.
Haley: Well, then I hate to break it to you, Daddy but you lose. [laughing]
Phil: What?
Haley: This isn't my phone. I carved it out of a bar of soap and colored it in with a marker.
Claire: Phil, she carved a telephone out of a bar of soap.
Haley: I can't believe that I'm getting a car!
Phil: Holy crap. We've been Shawshanked.