Gloria: Hola, Haley.
Haley: Hi, Gloria. Thanks for coming over.
Gloria: En espanol, por favor.
Haley: Uh, hola, Gloria. Gracias for coming over.
Gloria: No, the whole thing.
Haley: I don't know the whole thing. Why do I even need to learn Spanish? I live in California. I'm never gonna use it.

Luke: Dad's in the middle of a super sad dude hug.
Alex: We really disappointed him.
Haley: Yeah, maybe we should just suck it up and go to Jellystone this summer.

Haley: [answering phone] Hello?
Dylan: Please tell me that you have my shoes.
Haley: Why would I have your shoes?
Dylan: Because I left them at your uncles's house last night.
Haley: What? How could you leave without your shoes?
Dylan: I go a lot of places without shoes. I'm not wearing shoes right now. Oh, wait. That's 'cause I left them at your uncles's house.
Haley: This is a disaster!
Dylan: Maybe they'll think they're theirs.
Haley: They're gay. They know what shoes they own.

Haley: I hope that Thanksgiving's on a Friday next year, so that I can sleep through the entire weekend.
Alex: Mom, can you take this one? I'm exhausted.
Claire: Wow, you really must be.

Alex: Hey! No, give that back. Need I remind you I am a yellow belt?
Haley: Ugh, I can't keep track of all your ugly belts, but I don't think you should change roommates.

Haley: Thanks for winning my computer back.
Luke: And getting me all my money. That was awesome.
Alex: Yeah, if only I had stopped there, but I had to go back down. I got greedy, and I was careless.
Haley: There's a story about that I remember from school. Icarus flew too close to his son. I think their wings bumped. One of them fell. They might have been ducks. Anyway, the lesson is, is that you have to pay attention.

Haley: Married! Why would I get married?
Phil: Because you're pregnant with Andy's baby!
Haley: What? Why would you think that?
Claire: [on FaceTime] Oh. Because you changed your Facebook status to "married." Then we tracked your cell phone to a wedding chapel in Vegas.
Phil: And you ordered this book.
Haley: Wow. First of all, it's called privacy. Google it.

Haley: Another brochure from a community college. You know, I bet Mom is having them send these.
Alex: Really? You don't think they've targeted you as a must-have recruit?
Haley: At least this one doesn't have that fakey lunchtime shot of the black guy, Asian girl, and an Indian- Oh, wait! There it is. Wow, that wheelchair kid is really cracking everybody up.

Gavin Sinclair: Nikki, thank God you're here. Peel this orange for me.
Haley: Mr. Sinclair, it's Haley Dunphy. I was supposed to see you for the assistant job. I have been studying your work, and I have to say the looks that you did for New York Fashion Week put you-
Gavin Sinclair: Ah! I'm really too busy right now.
Haley: But I drove all the way down here. We had an appointment!
Gavin Sinclair: Yeah, I looked at your blog. It's a little too cutesy for me. I need someone with edge.
Haley: I have edge.
Gavin Sinclair: You really don't. You are literally the most wide-eyed person I've ever seen. You have the face of a cartoon lamb. Thanks for coming by, though.

Haley: [aside to camera] Andy I started out pretty hot and heavy, but, uh, the last few weeks I've just been super busy, so I guess he's feeling neglected, and he's acting a little cold. I mean, a chuck on the arm? What are we, Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer? [chuckles] Those are people, right?